Life is a BEACH

Hello Loyal Readers.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh...is any one there?

Okay it is apparent I have no loyal readers left.

Now I understand this completely....with my 6 month BLOG absence who the heck is going to keep checking if I wrote some updates of the goings on in my life.

2008 has left me emotionally and creatively drained to say the least and even as early as the end of October I was still reeling from Family Issues.

Despite the prior months that I like to call the "Dark Times" I decided to make a comeback and get my creative juices flowing once again.

But where do I start.....let's see....oh heck let's start at work......

I am trading in my patrol pants for some very attractive Reno 911-Lt.Dangle short shorts!

Next week Tuesday I am transferring out of Waikiki District 6 Third Watch Uniformed Patrol...and will be joining the SUNBLOCK SQUAD...the BAYWATCH BEAUTY BOYZ....The F.B.I. (Female Body Inspectors)....or the official term..The BEACH TASK FORCE.

That's right you heard me....The Beach Task Force!!  

What are the duties of a Beach Task Force Officer?

Well I'm glad you asked.....

Let's say you build a nice sand castle and a wave demolishes your hard work...now you need to file a damages complaint...who you gonna call....the Beach Task Force!!

Or for instance a swimmer is stung by a Portagee Man a War and they need to file assault charges...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!

Your blinded by the sight of a old pruny man in a speedo and want to make a indecent exposure case...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!!

The Hawaiian Tropic Sun Swedish Bikini model team run out of sun lotion and need a new coat applied to their sensitive skin....you know it...Beach Task Force!!

A 500 pound hairy man washes up on shore and needs mouth to mouth....who you gonna call....the City and County Lifeguards fool...dont be calling 911!!

All kidding aside the Beach Task Force is hard working group of Officers who protect and assist the public at the beaches in Waikiki.  This proactive unit is largely responsible for the reduction of Beach Theft crimes at a dramatic rate!!

And yes if a 500 pond man washed ashore I would assist in any way I can...I got a face mask for protection....and if you ever needed help to apply a coat of sunblock to your skin...yes I would help...my gun has now been replaced by a department issued SUNBLOCK.

At any rate I will miss my Third Watch partners and the many adventures I had...but its time to move on to a more family friendly schedule.

But I gotta think did I make the right move?  I mean the Beach Task Force has its perks.....but its something about my work environment.

You know a little thing they call the PACIFIC OCEAN....it just drives people crazy and make em do dumb ass things.

Case in point....I get a call on my beat last week....HPD DISPATCH calls me to a Shark sighting type case on the beach side of the Sheraton Waikiki Hotel.

Per dispatch an 8 foot shark is swimming up and down the shoreline.  I cut thru the hotel lobby and make my way through the crowd to investigate.  As I near the scene I am bombarded by tourists who must have been attending a HOW TO BE A COMEDIAN conference at the Hawaii Convention Center.

Its like I'm walking past open mic night as I get the extremely dry one liners.."Hey Officer you gonna shoot the fish with your gun..BWAHAHA!!" or the ever popular "Officer...Officer...you got a harpoon or net on your gun belt...BWAHAHAHA!"

Grit teeth...fake smile...nod....try not to hurt anyone....

"Officer...officer....I hope your wearing a bikini under that uniform...YAHOO....BAWAHAHAH!!"

Block out unoriginal humor....close eyes...breathe in...breathe out...put gun back in holster....inhale....exxxxhale.

After making my way past the DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB comedian crowd I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the scene was totally secured...all swimmers and surfers were out of the water, the crowd was at a thirty foot distance from the shoreline, lifeguards were there providing ocean safety tips, and visible warns signs were posted in the sand.

.......................................................................

Yeah right maybe in a perfect world!

The sight I saw was more like this....

A 5-6 foot shark thrashing in shallow water...Swimmers and surfers were frolicking within 5 feet from it....the crowd was massive and was most of them were waist..knee... or ankle deep in the water snapping pictures on there cameras and cellphones....these photographers were so into there perfect photo op they were neglecting there small children who continued to play with buckets and shovels along the waters edge...lifeguards were nowhere to be seen...and there were absolutely no warning signs posted.

Now that I rolled up on scene...guess who's liable if one of them gets there ass bitten off....thats right...this guy!!!

As I was to dumbfounded to issue verbal commands my partner...as good partners do...steps in and shouts, "Everybody out of the water...NOW!!"

The crowd looks around like confused muppets...or lost sheep.  

But none of them move.

It takes another order or two to slowly get them moving in the direction of LAND.

Good Grief Charlie Brown!!

I mean come on....a shark in the water in the area where your swimming.......it's common

sense.....get the FU$K out!!

Its moments like that when I worry about future moments at the Beach Task Force...the sheer stupidity of people can be jaw dropping.

But who knows....perhaps next vacation I'll go to Canada...take a stroll in the park....and offer the nearest Kodiak Grizzly a bite of my pastrami sandwich. 

Til next time,

Big Daddy

Eggshell walking turtle.

Hello loyal readers,

No need to adjust your monitors...its me.

For those of you who grew accustomed to reading my BLOGS I do apologize for the delay.

A crisis in my personal life was the primary reason for my several month long absence......for privacy reasons I will not go into the details....but I will say it has been very difficult on me.....and my entire family.

The crisis depleted my creative tanks.....and my thoughts were only constant worry and concern.

Like we all know...Life was many unexpected ups and downs......I know that....I see it daily.....my Motto has been sorta like "Shit Happens..what can you do.."

Well for me when a problem hits....especially when it has to do with family...I turn into a turtle......I withdraw.....and tread carefully.....grit my teeth...and hope the other shoe does not drop....you know things going from bad to worse.

It aint healthy I know....but its what I do.

There will be dramatic changes at my homestead....I hold my breath in anticipation and will base my interdepartmental career change based on these changes.

In the meantime...when the storm waters are calm...I will try to slip you a BLOG to let you know the scoops.

Anyway...just wanted to say HEY and wish you all happiness and health to you and yours!!

Til next time,
Big Daddy

More ZANY characters than you can shake a stick at!!

Hello once again Loyal Readers,

The last two weeks have been.....hellish....at work....and at home.

Ka'ili had another trip to the E.R. for his cyclite vomiting spells......brought on not by the common cold...but by a series of headaches...which he is having all to frequently now.

The answer...a trip to Kapiolani's E.R....and being hooked up to the IVEE action. Now normally...this treatment with his...nausea medicine allows him to bounce back quickly...unfortunately...it didn't...and he spent the next few days bed ridden in a dark bedroom.Between bouts of sickness..he starred in the movie DISTURBIA.....and he was found spying on the neighborhood with his new BINOCULARS .(which was a B-DAY gift from his Mamagito)
It came in a birthday bag labeled, "Keep an eye on your HOOD"....and that's just what he does.

Thankfully he did not witness any murders....but he did witness a RAPE in progress. I'll touch on that later in the BLOG.

What's next for him...well.....a CAT SCAN to rule out the big stuff. Since he has no other symptoms we are hopeful that it is NOT to serious.

So having these ISSUES...health....and mental......at home has made my BRAIN deep fried.

To top it off my great grand-daughter was raped. That's right ....you heard me correctly.

Defiled...Degraded....in front of my own CHILDREN!!!

I got a picture of the culprit.......Our neighbor Lenny has a male rooster which he found half dead on the street. Lenny nursed him back to health...now VIOLA...the TED BUNDY of roosters. Now don't be fooled by his SHOWY appearance....this FUZZY fowl feathered fiend is a savage sexual predator!!!

Yet some will debate...that our little CHEEPY....is to BLAME.....okay...sure she wanders the neighborhood..goes where ever she pleases...stays out at all hours of the night....shakes and flaunts her tail feathers up and down the street....getting all kinds of unwanted attention by neighbors..(mostly hungry ones...this is Kalihi folks). Yup..some might say....she was asking for it!

But no one.....NO ONE deserves to be raped....19 times in one minute.

That's CHICKEN love...worse than friggin rabbits!!

There it was in broad daylight......in the neighbors yard..PECK..PECK...HUMP...PECK...PECK...HUMP...in rapid succession.

It was alarming.

So this one afternoon....I had to explain the birds and the bees....or more appropriately the CHICKENS and the bees....to my children.....actually...... I just told them they were HUGGING and WRESTLING.

Kaili was satisfied with that answer...but I believe our 12 year old SANTA BELIEVING (Kinohi: Whats wrong with believing in Santa? UGH!) daughter was actually suspicious they might be DOING something more inappropriate. (Kinohi: duh! I'm not stupid!)

We....the great grandparents....might actually be the cause of CHEEPYS recent promiscuous behavior.

Remember the nest of EGGS under our porch......well.......we sorta stole the potential chicks, gave em to our neighbors to eat, and replaced it with a more festive oval items.

We placed these EASTER EGGS filled with POTTING SOIL in the nest attempting to fool the mother.....

CHEEPY sat on it ONCE...and gave us the stinkest, "Who the hell you trying to fool!" type look.
Since that time she has abandoned her nest and has sought male comfort over at Lenny's backyard with SILKY the chicken.

I guess you can say shes living the dream.......

She has no annoying baby chicks dragging her down....she gets extra rations of seed at the next store neighbors yard....sex whenever she wants....and if she has a headache she can just fly back over the fence and leave her horny non-FLYING sex friend behind.

What a GREAT life!!

No ......I don't envy my chickens life.......okay... maybe just the simplicity side of it.

For instance......does she have to make LIFE or DEATH decisions....no...NOT whether to cross the friggin road...I'm talking DO or DIE kind of decisions!!!

Last week I got a call about ROBBERY suspects seen in the area of KUHIO AVENUE and ROYAL HAWAIIAN. Dispatch gave us a description of these MALE ONLY suspects...and the entire sector swarmed the area looking for these FOOLS.

While searching the streets I saw a local druggie female...doing what I like to call the CRACK DANCE.

WHINCE..TWITCH...TWITCH...WHINCE..TWITCH....TWITCH.

She looks my way...gives me an ODD look....but continues...walking and dancing.

The behavior....or the CRACK DANCE...catches my short attention span...but I was after HARDEN criminals...so I drove right past her.

As I turned right on the street...a call comes in over the radio.

"CENTRAL to all units in the area...report of a female walking around with a MACHINE GUN...appears to be on some sort of drugs."

Dispatch gives the females description...and like you may have guessed...it was WHINCE TWITCH TWITCH girl....that I just seconds before...drove right by.

I quickly tried to back track....thinking she must be long gone....but when I circle around the block....she got off the main road and was coming....dancing RIGHT friggin towards me.

In her right hand....off to the side.....there it was...a SUB MACHINE GUN.WHOA NELLY!!

Now I would like to say I used training and tactics at this point.
You know parked at a safe distance.....gained cover behind my Patrol Vehicle....drew my weapon...shouted verbal commands.....

I did no such thing.

I drove on up to the girl....exited the vehicle...walked two giant steps...grabbed a hold of the weapon...and said, "What the BEEP you carrying this BEEP around....you wanna get BEEPING shot out here."

I proceeded to YANK the gun out of her hand.

In hindsight I realized....that was not the most safe and effective way to approach/disarm a suspect.

As I grabbed at the gun I tried to call for backup...but the RADIO was busy and I couldn't key my MIKE.

BACKUP actually found me......giving the lady a good scolding .....she was drugged out of her mind .

The SARGE asked me if I drew down on her....when I said "No", he quickly added, "Did you think the gun was FAKE."

I mostly thought it was FAKE...mostly....when I grabbed it away.... I was 100% sure it was a replica.

She had a real TITA attitude at first....ignoring my commands to sit down.

"What the fuck you bothering me FO?!" the druggie snapped. "Its just one toy gun I found in the trash can!!"

"So you decide to march around Waikiki with it.....did you expect no one to BOTHER you?!" I yelled back.

"WOT...Officer....its just RUBBISH......I found em with other stuffs...even had one Teddy Bear in the can." she stated.

"Well maybe you should'a taken the Teddy Bear instead!" I said in cold tone.

She looks around at all the BLUE UNIFORMS circling around her and says quietly, "Oh yeah..yeah...I should'a taken da bear."

Now as it was, she did NOT threaten anyone with the gun...verbally or physically.....so she was not arrested. I wonder if she had pointed the weapon at me would I have reacted more cautiously....I would like to think I would...and I would like to think I will the next time I approach anyone with a weapon....even if it looks FAKE...to treat it like a REAL THREAT.

In my area....with the HIGH PROFILE....always in the public eye...you have to be CAREFUL how you act, over react, or under react to daily situations....people be watching.

For instance I was sent to a DISTURBANCE case last week....a homeless male wearing a red and black checkered shirt was reported yelling and screaming in the area of Triangle Park. This unhappy male also seen throwing bottles in that area.

I arrive on the scene......no male matching that description was found. Sometimes DISTURBANCE cases like that, can be a thorn in your side for your entire shift, if you don't locate and deal with it. So I started asking around.

I walk around...asked a homeless lady who informed me she did not hear anyone screaming. I finally found a possible witness... a reserved HAPA looking student sitting on a bus stop bench.

I asked if she saw some one yelling and screaming in the area.

She nodded and said a a meek voice, "Yes I did Officer....he was yelling and screaming at that pile of sticks over there....I was quite scared."

"I would be too." I agreed with a smile. "which way did he go?"

She pointed towards the ALA WAI.

I hopped into my car and continued my search.

As I hit the corner turning onto Ala Wai...I see another squad car pulled of to the side.
I see an officer talking with a man...wearing a red and black checkered shirt.
I quickly pulled in behind the Officer's car. We the check the male out...who was coherent/normal at this time. But there was something familiar about him. A few minutes go by and it finally hit me....I dealt with this guy a few years back in the cellblock.
He came in one afternoon....HIGH as a kite on METH and kept trying to fight us.
3-4 separate times we had to wrestle with him. When we put him in the camera cell...he was doing somersaults and cartwheels NON STOP. He could have been a POSTER boy for an ANTI CRYSTAL METH campaign.

Here he was.....once more....not angry but obviously the drugs had taken its toll to his BRAIN.....but since arguing with STICKS is not currently a CRIME...we cut em loose.

As I watched him walk away I notice a GRANDMA with a cane standing next to my parked PATROL CAR. She walked towards me...slower than a turtle...and upon closer inspection I observed giant white whiskers protruding from her chin.

"Excuse me...Officer...I don't mean to sound like a Horse's ass," she stated in screechy voice, "actually I do.....do you see your CAR."

She pointed her cane at my PATROL CAR.

I quickly noticed that I had partially blocked the CROSSWALK.

"If I cross over here....and get struck by another car...I could sue you at court..and take you to the cleaners." she said.

Wow....no appreciation....trying to keep the streets safe...now I was getting scolded by a granny.

I thought it best to let her know why I parked the way I did.

"Ma mm I do apologize....but it was an emergency..... I come here because of a male yelling, screaming and throwing beer bottles."

"That's funny," she stated suspiciously, "cause I was standing here for about 5 minutes and he wasn't doing anything like that."

WOW....look out now DETECTIVE GRANDMAMA is on the case!!!!

I quickly added, "Well it happened around the corner...and we found him here."

"Oh....right...right." she said in a YOUR SO FULL OF SHIT tone.

Now I could have snapped and gone on the LOW ROAD.....you know show her my computer screen which states the information on every case I go to.

She would have clearly read...."MALE in checkered shirt yelling, screaming, and throwing bottles."

But alas...LOW ROADS...normally end up in complaints so I took the HIGH ROAD.

I apologized once again..and said "Next time I'll make sure the scene is safe...and than I'll move my car.....but its a dangerous world out here...I gotta make sure this man doesn't attack me or my partner first.

"Believe me sonny..." she said with a sly smile, "don't let my looks fool you...if that man was attacking you...I would'a walked over here and beat his ASS with my cane!"

WOW!! KICK ASS Granny should get a badge!!

It was that point I thanked her for her support....held up oncoming traffic.....and like a kind little BOYSCOUT I helped her across the street.

Man...you meet all kinds of CHARACTERS out here!!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

BACON and EGGS

Happy New Year Loyal Readers,

Its near middle of January and I felt it was due time to drop a few lines.....

Hmmm.....that's sorta rappish....YO BABY YO BABY YO!!

At any rate things have been WELL in my life.....

The NEW YEAR started off with the usual BIG BANGS in Kalihi.

Our neighbor LENNY caught me on my way to work several weeks ago.

Now LENNY has a shady past and I think it has left him a bit paranoid.
Before I left on vacation last year he was in a complete RAGE over the HOBO CAMP on the corner of our street.

I was enjoying a pleasant evening at home with friends and family when I got a LATE NIGHT scream in my window..."CHRIS.....HEY CHRIS!!!"

As I exited my front door and looked over to the property line....there stood LENNY.with a wild look in his eyes....pacing angrily back and forth....and a SPEAR in his hand....nothing fancy like a SPARTAN spear...but a homemade one.....but still....I was taken aback.

I got an ear full of RANTS and RAVES that left me in disbelief.

I mean sure I could internally share in his FRUSTRATION......but I wasn't about to slam my property and march around my house with a make shift spear and declare WAR on the HOBO camp. Try talking with a irate male with a spear in his hands.....its UNCOMFORTABLE.
Dialogue is frikin dangerous...with the pointing...and the thrusting......good gravy!!

LENNY was sharing some personal stories of how the HOBOZ was making his life a living HELL!

They ranged from stories like, One day I went to the PLATE LUNCH place up the street and one of the HOBOZ said..."What...you HUNGRY!?"

Other stories involved his mailbox being tampered with and his mail scattered on the ground.

The strangest story was when he informed me that he comes home from work his DOGS mouth sometimes smells like CHICKEN.

...................................................................................

That kinda made me PAUSE and fall silent...until he explained that the HOBOZ must be feeding his DOG....so the DOG is now useless as a GUARD dog.

Okay he aint entirely BANANAZ.....he did on one occasion park his van near the HOBO village and his window was mysteriously smashed.....so yeah.....suspicious things were happening.

Anyway when he asked me to HELP with the situation.....I was a bit tired of it all..dealing with STUFF at work only to come home with a whole bunch of crime problems....I made one call to a friend....and like I mentioned before....called the PROPERTY OWNER personally.

Like I said in a previous BLOG it eventually sorted itself out....with the tear down and leveling of 2 LOTS...which once stood the mighty HOBO village.

So LENNY catches me on the way to work and I met him over by the property line.....a quick scan reveled no weapons in his hands.

But without warning his hand shot out towards me...making me flinch for a second......I quickly realized it was a gesture for a handshake.

Sighing silently...we shook hands....and he thanked me for the HELP with the HOBO village.

I don't think I had much to do with the destruction of the HOBO village but I did say your WELCOME.

Now at this point....I want to build a defense for what happened next.

LENNY has a think Filipino accent and he tends to mumble......second...the level of street noise was at an all time high with construction and windy conditions.....finally...I was in a RUSH to get to work!!

So when he asked if I liked..."BOILED PEANUTS" I did concur.

Now I made him repeat it twice...because of the mumbling..accent..construction..wind...thing....
and I swore I heard correctly..."Would you like boiled peanuts?"

I felt it rude to ask him to repeat it a third time........and I guess...it was his way....for a PEACE OFFERING...a show of gratitude of assisting with the HOBO problem.

So like I told him..."Yeah I like it...Dawn does too.....but I'm heading to work so just bring it buy later."

With that I left him..... I jumped in my truck..drove down the street...looked back at LENNYS house....only to discover he was still standing in the same place..waving back at me with a wide white grin spread across his face.

Hmmm...boiled peanuts.....sounds delicious.

Heading to work and jumping into the routine of CRIME FIGHTING I quickly forgot about the conversation.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket...screening the numbers I realize its the wifey.

I clicked ANSWER on the cell phone and said, "Hello?"

"YOU ASSHOLE!!" roared an angry voice on the other line.

I quickly checked the callers number again to see if some deranged lunatic had misdialed or was prank calling me.

No such luck..."CONNECTED TO DAWN"......the screen read....as clear as DAY.

"Uhh...what did I do?" I managed to stammer in unsure voice.

"Your such a ASSHOLE!!"

That fact has been established long ago Loyal Readers so my next response was, "What did I do now?"

"LENNY came over to the house..." Dawn answered.

"Yeah..and....how were the peanuts?" I said.

"Peanuts...what the HELL are you talking about....he brought a pig over!" she shouted.

"A pig...."I asked in bewilderment, "what....like cooked pig?"

"No not cooked pig....you asshole....a pig...like in WILD PIG he killed in the mountains!"

"What....I heard him say BAG of PEANUTS.....if we liked BAGGED PEANUTS.....I never heard him say PIG."

My wife shot back.."Well it was in a BAG...a kitchen garbage BAG....but it was a freshly killed WILD PIG...he told me that YOU said I liked it!!"

"I never said....wait..a wild PIG in a garbage BAG hooves tusks and all......I could'a sworn he said PEANUTS."

"Well he didn't.....I told him thanks....but no thanks....you just wait till you get home...YOU ARE SO GONNA GET IT!!!"

Needless to say loyal readers....after work that night....I sat in my car fronting my house ....hoping my wife would be PASSED out before I walked in the front door.

BAG O PEANUTS.....BAG O PIG...........yeah....its pretty close in similarity...right...RIGHT.....??

I took a beating for that one.

The latest news on the CARAVALHO home front is that I am gonna be a GREAT GRANDPA!

That's right GREAT GRANDPA. I got several great grand kids on the way.

Before you look at Kinohi like Brittney Spears sister...or trying to figure out the MATH in our ages and figuring out that that is an IMPOSSIBLE occurrence....let me show you a picture of my GRANDCHILD.....the loving mother to be.

That's right....CHEEPY "THE KALIHI CHICKEN" CARVALHO...has setup a nice nest under our front porch.

Now the pecking order so to speak is we, (Dawn and Me) are grandparents to the cat and the chicken......Ka'ili and Kinohi are the parents to the cat and the chicken....and so on and so forth....you get the idea. Please don't call the STATE HOSPITAL on us....we are for the most part a perfectly normal family...and most of us take our medication regularly ....but I must say I am not sure I am ready to be a GREAT GRANDPA in my mid-thirties....but.....oh well....my grandchild CHEEPY is giving birth to not ONE...not TWO....not THREE.....but FOUR EGGS!!!!!! Although I know by the time I post this BLOG it will be up to a half dozen.... So now I am considering quitting my DAY JOB and try my hand at a new profession.

That's right you heard me.....

I am gonna renovate my home....make it into Kalihi's first BED and BREAKFAST!!

I'll call it the, "HOBOLESS HOODLIFE B& B"

Our breakfast menu will have one single entry.

BACON and EGGS-Enjoy fresh island Kalihi eggs fresh from the feathery fuzzy ass of our very own CHEEPY the CHICKEN CARAVALHO also includes four slices of freshly bagged muddy mountain boar black furry bacon....a bit gamey...but DEEELICIOUS!! $ 6.95

Loyal Readers...you are hereby invited to the GRAND OPENING!!

Although I do believe Ka'ili and Kinohi may protest the whole idea.

Oh well....there goes another dream shot to hell in a million pieces!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

CHRIS-MUST CARD

Merry Christmas Loyal Readers!!!

Happy HOMOerotica

Tis the Season Loyal Readers,

Okay the title of the BLOG....may prove offensive to some....but believe me...the title fits.....much like a used dirty glove.

There has been a few changes in my life.......the first of which is that I changed BEATS in Waikiki.
Now changing a BEAT does not mean I left the area....the change is that instead of me being what is called a "SWING OFFICER", in Waikiki (switching BEATS every single day) I took a more PERMANENT position.

Now remember when I described the area of Waikiki as 2 separate SECTORS...1 and 2.

2 has a rep for being....well.....not as hardworking.......

Now I personally don't agree with that assessment....I know alotta good guys is Sector 2.......

Sector 1.....as I mentioned before...is supposedly the more ELITE....hardworking crew.

They also as you can recall.....have a tendency to ICE you out if they feel they don't meet there standards.

I personal felt the CHILL FACTOR at times.

So it was a total surprise to me when week ago an Officer from SECTOR 1 approached me with a question.

The ELITE squad sent a spokes person.....KENNY......

Years ago when I was 18...I worked for an A+ program.

KENNY was one of my babies...I used to watch.....hows that for small world.
KENNY is a cool guy...almost to nice to be an Officer.....

Anyway Kenny asks me..."They guys wanted to know if your willing to take up a SLOT in Sector 1?"

Now folks......you may not understand the magnitude of this QUESTION.

It was a milestone.

These ........ELITE guys.....wanted to choose me to work with them!!!!

I felt like a FAT KID getting picked first at BASKETBALL on the playground.

After months.....since February actually....I've been trying to fit in........now....they were asking me to join there CREW.

Some of you might say...well....weren't they the same guys who ICED you and didn't hang out with you.

Indeed this is true......but they are the seniors to D6....it is a wealth of knowledge to work on their side.

I took KENNY up on the offer......

Another HUGE change is the lot next to the former DRUG HOUSE.

Now for those of you who are unaware of my HOOD.....on the corner of my block is a vacant house......for years the tenants for this residence was selling DRUGS.
It was only recently...a year or so that they were evicted.

It was a celebration short lived.

The lot makai of the DRUG HOUSE began to attract some SHADY HOMELESS HOBO characters.

Derelict cars....vehicle habitation...domestic brawls...and drug use....all within just a stone throw distance from me front door.

It left me feeling UNEASY......especially since I work so much and leave the family at home with such a BAD ELEMENT nearby.

Well....this ELEMENT......grew and grew.....taking over the vacant house and LOT....just being a nuisance.

I had neighbors also approach me about trying to RID the street of them.

Doing what I do ....I realized it would have to be the PROPERTY OWNER'S responsibility to Trespass the HOBOZ off the land.

I chatted via the phone with the LAND OWNER and PROPERTY MANAGER to make them aware of the situation.

Since I'm used to dealing with people..talking calmly and assertively....I was floored when after I informed them what was going on...they both lashed out at me with DEFENSIVE, ANGRY, and STINK ATTITUDES.

I could not believe it!!

It was a very stressful and helpless feeling.

But now,...Santa has brought an EARLY Christmas gift.

CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES!!

METAL MONSTROSITIES HAVE TORN THE CRAP OUT OF THAT STINK HOLE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW!!

I am hopeful..GOD WILLING...that they will not return.... like pesky ROACHES to the area! Time will only tell.

Wow 2 treats in my STOCKING OF MY LIFE......what a special Christmas!!

But wait...."dig"..."dig"..."dig"...is that a piece of COAL in there too.....???

WHY YES IT IS!!

Now this particular story starts on a dark and stormy night in Waikiki....

I got a call from dispatch on a nuisance complaint.

Employees from a BURGER joint was complaining about a homeless male in the area and wanted him moved along.

Being around the corner I arrived rather quickly and responded, "658 I'm off....cancel anyone else coming."

Cancelling cover.....is not looked highly upon with the supervisors....for good reason....

SAFETY.

But..I figured....what the heck this should be a quick "storm trooper" ,"MOVE ALONG...MOVE ALONG!" type case.

I hit my blue lights and block a lane in KALAKAUA.

The rain is at a constant drizzle as I exit my patrol car.

I walk over to the BURGER JOINT and notice two males at the entrance.

One male sat upright with a guitar and was strumming away and loudly singing a CHRISTMAS tune. The other was face down, partially blocking the door, and reeked of ALCOHOL. I stepped cautiously over the passed out male and entered the realm of the creepy KING. The blinding fluorescent lighting caused me to wince and I squinted to gain my bearings.

To my immediate right was a large Polynesian male....maybe 17....but heck at 6' tall 290pounds....he could have also been a 12 year old Polynesian boy. The boy stared at me....stopping.... midbite into a messy meaty WHOOPER. The big boy looked abit startled...by my presence.
I sensed his uneasiness...so I decided to break the ice.
I noticed a large blot of condiment cream on his face and said, "You got a little special sauce on the corner there."
The boy turned a shade of red and quickly give his MUG a wipe down.

I moved to the cashiers and was greeted by a female manager with a strong Filipino accent. Sensing a strong language barrier, I quickly turned on my translator device.

She said to me "DAT ONE..DAT ONE..Oppisir...he blok d door...d..customers...hab to step ober hem to go in and out...I want hem to mube....can you tell hem to MUBE?"

I strained my ears and tilted my head like an curious puppy.
I than fiddled with my translator device...checking the batteries..and adjusted all the levels.
"Uuhh...just the one guy" I asked,.."or the Guitar Hero too?"

"No jus hem...jus hem..MUBE HEM!" she said in a irritated tone.

"Okey dokey" I responded spinning on my heel back to the door way.

Once outside, I stood over the homeless male. The crowd on the sidewalk...began to slow down..rubber neck and gawk with the... "Hey whats going on over there?" curiosity.

"Hey buddy...my man." I said "time to wake up."
The male continued to count sheep.
He looked like a merry lumberjack on vacation.
He had....long stringy..matted brown hair (which desperately needed a wash).
A grizzly bearded face which made him look twice his age.
and he wore a dirt covered red plaid long sleeve shirt with stained cut blue jean shorts that crept dangerously close to his crevice.

NASTY.

"Hey ...my man...wake up time....your blocking the door...you gotta move!" I said in a louder voice.

Not a stir.

Hmmm....I thought....not working.

I reached into my pocket in search of LATEX gloves.
With a sinking feeling I realized I forgot to grab a pair from the Arsenal that day.

CRAP!

"Hey my man....DUDE...wake up!!" I said in a more earnest voice.

Now I didn't wanna touch PIG PENS daddy...I could feel the body lice hopping onto my uniform.
And I was sure using my Pepper spray...or metallic baton...would be considered by the average citizen...an excessive WAKE UP CALL service.

I reached into my pants pockets once more...and SHAZAM!!

I felt a pair of latex gloves.

Not your standard gloves mind you...the good DISH WASHING LATEX GLOVES gloves that I got from an Ambulance at an accident scene the night before.

Snapping them bad boys up to my elbows I reached down and shook the males shoulder.

No response.

I could see him breathing....the rise and fall of his chest.

I shook his shoulder and shouted one last time.

Nothing.

Back in the day we learned a tactic...to arouse....or awake...passed out Drunks.

The STERNUM RUB.

It had proven useful in the past so I decided to use the tactic.

Bearing my index knuckle down firmly to the lumberjacks chest I lightly began to RUB his chest bone.

The results were almost immediate as the dudes eyes popped open and he began to take a few disoriented punches at me.

Now keep in mind he was on his back...the punches had little force to them..but I nearly shit my pants with his sudden attack.

I grabbed his fists and began to try to take control.

Oddly enough...he had some strength....and I couldn't lock up his arms.

As we struggled holding each others hands....flailing them back and forth...with Christmas Music being strummed in the background.....I felt like a MOST LIKELY TO BE LAST PLACE COMPETITOR in DANCING WITH THE STARS.

"Get the fuck off of me!!" he slurred angrily.

It was at this moment I concluded that canceling my cover was not one of my better moves.

I took a deep look into the lumberjacks eyes. The misty confusion in his expression led me to believe he really didn't know who I was...or what was going on.

I released my grip and backed away slightly.

"Dude...its H.P.D."

I saw some recognition in his face to what my title was and at his moment I heard a voice behind me.

"Whats going on Daniel?"

It was my beat partner...and former 4 year co-worker at the CELL BLOCK...Laura.

Despite me cancelling cover she decided to come anyway to see if I needed help.

Laura is a burly white woman with a mind as corrupted as YOURS TRULY.

I look over at Laura and ask, "You know this guy?"

She nods and quickly recaps a few stories...or RUN INS she had with this Daniel.

"You giving my friend a hard time?" she asks him in playful tone.

"No...this cop..ish...bothering me....what you training the new guys WRONG?" he says with a gruff voice.

"Training....him....no he trains me....he's got more years than me....." she states.

Daniel stumbles to his feet and I see that he is my height...maybe an inch more. He stares me down.

"Well...he don't know what the HELL he's doing....he thinks his some TUFF guy or something." he says.

Daniel reaches into his pack and pulls out some tobacco and rolling paper.

"No....not him....hes a cool guy." Laura responded.

Daniel turns his back to me and turns his head back at me...a sly smile spreads his face...his droopy eyes begin to twinkle.

"My your a BIG BOY....." he says.

Laura cracks a smile and adds, "Yup we call him BIG DADDY."

I give her a YOUR NOT HELPING look.

Daniel says, "Oh yeah.....well you can ruff me up...BIG DADDY."

Laura laughs and hoots in response to his comment.

"Okay.....9:30 pm on the 11 of December......I now feel officially sick to my stomach."

Daniel verbally gives chase, "You can visit me in my secret lair." He arches his back extends his ass out and smiles.

Laura laughs and hoots some more and adds "I wonder where that is?"

I had an idea.....but wished I didn't.

"We got to change your name...Big Daddy...let's make a seasonal name change." Daniel says with an excited energy in his tone.

"Let's call you....CANDY CANE." he says as he darted his tongue across the length of his rolling paper. "I'm gonna lick you up."

I quickly looked inside the BURGER JOINT and checked to see if BARF BAGS were added to the MENU.

Coming to the rescue Laura says, "Okay..Okay...you had your fun...time to go.."
She grabs Daniel by the sleeve and pulls him along.

I keep my distance.....wanting to be nowhere near his SECRET LAIR.

He manages to cross the street without getting hit by a vehicle and I thank Laura for the assist.
She smiles and nods.

I turn and rapidly move to my patrol car trying to create as much distance as possible between me and that horrific SCENE.

I didn't move fast enough.

As I was about to step inside the safe confines of the vehicle Laura quickly adds, "See you later CANDY CANE."

I squint my eyes painfully and freeze in my tracks.

Without looking back...... I jumped in my car..... and sped off.

Even with the AIR CON, POLICE RADIO, CAR RADIO, and WINDOWS rolled up.....I could still her Laura laughing her ass off as I drove away.

Why me!!

Till next time,

Big Daddy

Your not Dreaming.....its a NEW BLOG!

Happy Holidays Loyal Readers,

Well...its official...I'm back.

With a two month BLOG BREAK...many of you thought I was either so busy doing DEEP UNDERCOVER working in public restrooms catching deviant males in various LEWD acts.....that... or being dead.

I am happy to say that I am neither.....although....this past SUNDAY.....I nearly met Jesus.

But before I go into to that... let me give you some highlights of my whereabouts.....and WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN UP TO.

I do apologize to all of my loyal readers for the BLOG delay...for two months of silence...I've been work...work...working.....

Waikiki is still FAST and FURIOUS.....and the routine of WORK...WAKEUP..WORK...WAKEUP...WORK....WORK SOME MORE..GO TO COURT...GO TO WORK.....5 days.....9 hours..LATE CASE HERE...LATE CASE THERE...left me drained.....physically....spiritually....and creatively.

There were many times I sat in front of the computer....wanting to share a quick story with you all......but ...quite honestly I felt sluggish....and not enthused....

I guess..we all...fall into RUTS sometimes in our lives and need a RECHARGE.

Thank GOD for vacation......it was greatly needed.

My family is fine for the most part.....

The MEDICAL MYSTERIES that are my children..OCD...ANXIETY SPIKES...VOMIT PROJECTILES..always leaves me in disbelief......

The BARF FESTS of my son has finally got a MEDICAL TERM......CYCLETTE VOMITING.

CYCLETTE VOMITING is a condition associated in the MIGRAINE family.
Its like a BRAIN....type issue. It leaves the individual..feeling nauseous...dizzy....

Its usually brought on by a simple infection....in my sons case...whenever he gets a simple COLD....he is literally..PUKING his guts up....non-stop....

We used to try to let it RUN its course....you know...eventually he'll stop vomiting....but low and behold......he wouldn't.

Well a recently trip to the E.R. led to the discovery that .......CYCLETTE VOMITING.

Granted there is no cure...but if certain medications are giving before the CYCLE begins....it can reduce the chances of a full out BARF FEST.

I tell you.....

It's GOOD GLORIOUS DAYS when my kiddies are HAPPY and HEALTHY!!!

When they are not..like I have mentioned before....I am at the highest STRESS LEVELS than anything WORK can throw at me.

November....my VACATION month...could not come quick enough....

I missed out of the busiest DAY/WORK in Waikiki...OCTOBER 31st...HALLOWEEN......

I was scheduled to work mind you...but I was...."cough"..."cough"
UNDER THE WEATHER. The fact that I called in sick.....on HALLOWEEN(the busiest day of the year) and coincidentally was the last day of work prior to the first day of my vacation did not go OVERLOOKED by my SARGE.

In any event........my vacation first took me to SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA...for good ole fashion fun at DISNEYLAND.....DISNEY CALIFORNIA.....and UNIVERSAL STUDIOS.

The KIDS took DISNEYLAND by storm....taking on anything and EVERYTHING...Disney could throw at them.....no longer satisfied with the baby rides like DUMBO and AUTOTOPIA...they moved on to the BIG LEAGUES...

Now hitting STAR TOURS and SPACE MOUNTAIN with the kids.....I was quickly confronted with the painful truth...I'm getting OLD.

As I nervously boarding these rides.....with Kinohi and Ka'ili....I was nervous....and worried.NOT FOR ME.....for them.....you know...I keep leaning over to my son....and kept reminding him..."Remember if you feel dizzy.....close your eyes."

After exiting these particular rides I became aware that my fears and concerns...were....misplaced.

When the rides were over....my kids were laughing, wide eyed, sprinting like race track stars BACK to front of the line screaming.."AGAIN....AGAIN!!"....and I....found myself... staggering...green faced...to the nearest BATHROOM...dry heaving in the sink..saying "NO MORE...NO MORE!!

Its kinda strange...when I think about it....rides that used to TERRIFY me.....you know MANAHORN.....PIRATES........rides that were...just SPOOKY to me when I was there age....it....doesnt phase them.

I think because my OFFSPRING are over exposed......with a mixture of PG-13 movies and rated M for mature Video Games...they are desensitized to a lot of things.

Universal STUDIOS was a true test to see if my kids are growing up FAST. Universal is geared for an OLDER type crowd. But recently my kids have displayed an interest in ACTING and MOVIE MAKING....so I figured what the heck.....now would be a good time to CHECK it out.

The rides may have been ABIT much for them...JURASSIC was a WET scary ride....but they did it ONCE....with no desire for repeats.....they were intimidated by the Mummy ride...and displayed no great interest in trying that one out.

But they had a blast...seeing MOVIE MAGIC...special effects...behind the SCENES.......and good ole WATER play at the NICKOLODEAN WET ZONE.

Our KALIHI hawaiian kids braved the chilly NOVEMBER air, donned there SWIM SUITS, battled HYPOTHERMIA, and splashed around in an enormous LIQUID themed structure.

I even got to meet a few celebrities while I was there.

Anyhoot......after a THEME PARKED, fast paced, and fun filled week we headed NORTH BOUND CALI to my mom...MAMAGITOS house.....for FAMILY bonding.

It was here that...I finally got to RECHARGE...spend money.....and hang with all the OHANA and enjoy THANKSGIVING.

Although the TURKEY got the last laugh.....being still not entirely thawed and partially frozen it wasn't finish cooking to well into the evening.

Speaking of THAW and FROZEN......an attempt to look for SNOW for the kids nearly ended with negative results.

A three hour drive finally exposed a SKI area with man made snow. The area was closed off and I politely asked the employee of the area if some KIDS from Hawaii could toss around a few snow balls.

Permission was granted and we hit the POWDER....or should I say slush. I tried to navigate the kiddies to an open area and was nearly knee deep in 3 inches of snow and 9-10 inches of WATERY SLUSH.

With wet shoes and socks we spent an estimated 20 minutes of snow time.

Than we proceeded to drive 3 more hours to get back home.

Ah well. The kids had a BLAST so that's all that counts.

Soon enough.....the VACATION was over....and now.....I AM BACK TO WORK!

The DECEMBER month has been a bit slow and uneventful.......the only excitement was that I finally got put on my H.P.D ISSUED SPANDEX and ride along side the WAIKIKI BICYCLE PATROL in the MARATHON.

We started at 2:00 in the morning and were scheduled to work until 4:30 in the afternoon.

Now there was a few things I noticed when I jumped on the BIKE......

1. I was out of shape.....

2. My clothes have grown much more snug..

and 3. I spent the whole day hunched over on my back battling my HOLIDAY belly.

What you ask is a HOLIDAY BELLY........?

Well......during the CALIFORNIA NORTH CALI vacation...I put on...shall we say....some WINTER weight.......with a extra fold or flap of flubber best kept hidden by a turtle neck or colorful COSBY sweater.

This is thanks to 3 meals a day.....big breakfasts...eating out...home cooked meals...and daily desserts.

So for the entire MARATHON day I kept trying to TUCK my BLUBBER in my gunbelt like someone might try to tuck in a long sleeve shirt.

It was frustrating and distracting BICYCLE ride.....not to mention...the BIKE I got stuck with that day felt smaller than a tricycle.......I swear...as I peddled...I felt my knees knock the side of my EARS.

These were MINOR inconveniences looking BACK...........irritating at best........remember in the beginning of the BLOG I mentioned....meeting JESUS.

What was also irritating was all the angry TRAFFIC....we had to TRY and control.....and PEDESTRIANS we had to protect from getting flattened by furious drivers.

I most definitely got my EARFULL for the year of COMPLAINANTS....MOANS.....SCREAMS....CURSE WORDS and yes even MENTAL TEAR FILLED BREAKDOWNS.

No joke......I saw several drivers hunched over in the CARS actually crying tears....not knowing how to get to a certain location....because of all the ROAD closures......

I felt BAD for certain tourists....who had to catch a FLIGHT back home. As I directed traffic I would see the same rental vehicles....zip back and forth....like a drowning rat looking for a piece of dry land.

Some would come past me and state.."What am I gonna do...I got an hour left to get on my plane."

Others would yell out.."I am a HOSTAGE.....I AM A HOSTAGE IN WAIKIKI how THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE!"

Definitely not a predicament I would like to be in.

But who's to blame........the course shuts of WAIKIKI from the entire world.

Now the MARATHON is nothing new.....its been going on for years......they give the LOCAL public (maybe not the tourists) ample warning.

But at the height of the RACE there is very few options.......

Run over a hundred marathon racers or...park your CAR on the street.......and walk it in/ or out of WAIKIKI.

It was looooooong hours.....and I was verbally bombarded.

After the RACE was completed....it was finally time to head in back to the meeting point at NIKE TOWN.

The sidewalks were covered with HUNDREDS of sore walking tourists.....straining..slowly....shuffling...along the avenue. There was no room to maneuver thru the crowds....so we took to the street.

So in a neat single file line myself and the entire WAIKIKI BICYCLE DETAIL sped west bound on KALAKAUA onto on coming traffic.

As we zipped thru the speeding ONCOMING VEHICLES...I remember thinking...wow.....this is ....potentially dangerous.

Of course if you know me at all....you know my WORST CASE SCENARIO mentality always works on OVERTIME.

So I tried to brush off the fact that with a single CELL PHONE call...a driver would swerve head on with me and I would a PERMANENT HOOD ORNAMENT.

No way....I thought....... not me........I made it this far....the whole FRIGGING day....without any kind of major incident....I can DO IT....I'm INVINCIBLE.......I'm UNBREAKABLE......I am like GOD!!

It was at this time merely seconds from reaching NIKE TOWN.....GOD....actually showed up....just in time to show me who's the REAL BOSS and to hand feed me a HUGE slice of HUMBLE PIE.

At a speed of about 20 mph...I felt my front tire drop.........

Drop into a unsealed vertical crack in the ASPHALT......

Now you seen these type of cracks on the road....not a pot hole....an actually vertical crack....where the slab of ASPHALT is not connected to the other slab of ASPHALT...

I envision some lazy CITY and COUNTY road crew dropping these huge slabs and one of em saying.."Kay...pau...let's go!"

Now the other worker...the more worrisome one states the obvious, "Brah....try look...the pieces of asphalt no stay connected...deas one CRACK."

"Eh....." the lazy one would answer, "Its FRIDAY.....frick em .....I got beers calling my name!!"

They both would be in agreement......and leave.

Enter little ole me in the SCENE/LOCATION....X amount days later.........

Now my front tire is as thin as a razor and it dropped in this crack....

PERFECTLY.

I felt it happening....just like MONSARRAT....time slowed down........I WAS GOING TO DIE!

I am proud to say loyal readers....I wasn't planning on going down without a FIGHT.

I snapped the wheel..to try to GET out of the crack......

This move wedged my wheel deeper into the CRACK and set into motion what I like to call....a R&B singer R. KELLY "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY" moment.

My momentum.....20mph....plus 230 pounds of HOLIDAY BELLY rushed forward....bending my front tire like a sun exposed vinyl record....it WARPED....my tire warped... like a LAYS potato chip....

I hit the rear brake as HARD as I could.....I fought the good fight.....I yanked...I pulled...I struggled...I tried to put a foot down......but it was to late.

I casually put on my red super hero cape......

And for the entertainment of hundreds of curious tourists and vehicular traffic.

I flew.

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.

I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY.......

I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY AWAY!!!

Right over the handle bars.........

Trying to preserve my LIFE and whatever dignity I had left......I torqued my body and aimed my fall...towards the GRASS near the sidewalk area.

THANKFULLY.......and I do say THANKFULLY.....there was that GRASS......it could have easily been a COCONUT TREE...concrete planter pot....or street performer......but......THANK GOD for sweet grass.

My right outer thigh hit the curbside hard but the HOLIDAY BELLY and all my upper fixings......GRASS.

There I was sprawled out in shock on GODS GREEN EARTH.

I was alive.

No ..........I was not wishing to be dead.....because of embarrassment.

I mean sure when I think about all the hoots and hollers I got from passing motorists and score card wielding tourists!

But at the particular time.......I was to in shock to be embarrassed.....

I was surprised that I wasn't snapped in half like a brittle piece of dry wood.

I later informed my wife that I came to the realization that are two types of mammals that DO NOT belong on bicycles.

Myself....and circus bears.

Aww....who am I kidding......I am the only mammal who DOES NOT belong on a bicycle.

Til next time,

Big DADDY