TRICYCLE TRAINING: PART THREE

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So there I was..........

Outta CONTROL heading down MONSARATT like a runaway freight train.

As I was racing towards my one on one meet and greet with the GRIM REAPER I recalled a similar situation that I was in...that also involved a STEEP ASS HILL.

I must have been in the 4th or 5th grade....

I was skating in a remote park.....in the mountain range opposite of the old KAILUA DRIVE IN THEATER.

Now for you young'ins out there when I say the word "SKATE".....I do not mean "SKATEBOARDING"....rather I mean....ROLLER SKATING...as in twirling DISCO ballz..tube tops..headbands...DOVE shorts..and skating rinks.

Now this particular park had a steep CONCRETE covered hill which led to the BASKETBALL courts below.

The CONCRETE was not smooth like a city sidewalk...instead it was roughed up with horizontal lines etched on the surface...I assume to create TRACTION....due to the rainfall in that area....as to protect against SLIPPERY WHEN WET fall on your ass situations.

As I skated along on the asphalt covered BASKETBALL courts it was not before long that I grew BORED.

I looked up at the CONCRETE HILL and in my child mind deduced...."Its not that BIG".

Of course when I was a few years younger...I was going to hike up the side of PUNCHBOWL with my sister Margaret.....WHY you ask??

Because we were to LAZY to wait for the BUS that would take us to our home in PAPAKOLEA.

So as you can see...My BIG.....in terms of SCALE......was not very...ACCURATE back then.....but...... that is neither here or there.

I climbed up the CONCRETE HILL.....actually I crawled up on the grass which lined up on either side of the concrete walkway.

As I reached the TOP.....I positioned myself to the STARTING POINT. "Yup....not that BIG..." I said to myself.....as I started my descent.

Big MISTAKE.

It was BIG....and friggin STEEP!!

I picked up some EXCESSIVE SPEED midway to the bottom.....and I PANICKED!!!

TOO FAST....TOO FAST......I recited over and over in my head.......

Now as you all know ROLLER SKATES don't have much of a BRAKING system.....its actually a piece of rubber you drag by tipping your SKATE at an angle....at this speed....I knew...it would do me NO good......I was gonna eat it!!

So what did I do....what FORCE....what POWER on EARTH could stop....or slow down my descent to certain DOOM.

If you guessed my ASS my friends......than you win a PRIZE!!

I bent my knees....into a SQUATTING position.

And proceeded to DROP my Chubby Boy Bottom on the concrete.

Part of my polyester gym shorts I was wearing disintegrated as it hit the CONCRETE...the other half...including my WHITIE TIGHTIES rushed into my ass crevice like a makeshift THONG.

My ASS brake.......gripped the rough CONCRETE......and I realized what it felt like to be spanked by a BELT SANDER.

I don't recommend it.

As my ass melted away like an eraser....I veered off course...and spilled out onto the wet grass....yelping in PAIN.

No one saw me....thankfully....so I crawled my STINGING ass up to the PARKING LOT.

I spent the rest of the evening......hiding.....sobbing in the backseat of my DADS car.....with a RAW bloody butt...torn underwear...lying on my side in a feeble position.

Not one of my finest moments.

Much like MONSARATT MOUNTAIN.

Like I said the REAR BRAKE LEVER was GONE.....nada NOTHING......

I rushed towards the THREE other officers....who already...began to brake........

I was on a collision course with them all...... much like a BOWLING BALL would be to pins.

The only option I could think of was to switch lanes.......and face ON COMING TRAFFIC.

And that's what I did......I switched over....into ON COMING TRAFFIC.

PHASE ONE COMPLETE.....I ROARED past the other OFFICERS...(who gave me inquisitive side glances) and thought of my next SUICIDAL OPTIONS.

Now I thought of several things......the first of which was....What can I CRASH into that wont kill me.......maybe something SEMI SOFT.....like a bush....preferably without thorns......but as I looked from side to side all I saw was.......stone walls.......curbs......chain linked fences....PARKED CARS.

There was nothing remotely SOFT to CRASH into...........(SOFT CRASH...he heh....that's funny.)

My POCHO brain looked for another alternative.....my FRONT BRAKES......GAD ZOOKS.....was it still working!?!

I looked at the BRAKE lever and I was about to COMPRESS it in my badly shaking PALM....when i was reminded of 2 numbers.........70 and 30.

70 and 30.

The percentage of your BRAKING power........30 to the BACK........70 to the front....you see.....like I said I remember the DARNDEST things....

At this speed.....hitting the FRONT BRAKE LEVER...would be...shall we say CATASTROPHIC.

With 70 percent of braking power.......by activating the FRONT LEVER....the tire would FREEZE UP......and I would FLY.......like a HUMAN CANNONBALL....face first over my handlebars.

But.....I was almost to the intersection........there was no other OPTION.....I had to try the FRONT BRAKE.

I looked at the BRAKE LEVER one more time.....and squeezed....

Perhaps a little to hard....because I felt my front end SWERVE dangerously.....and I almost lost control.

My heart nearly popped outta my throat with that move....but I knew this....the FRONT BRAKE STILL worked.

Now remember the BRAKE DRILL that required me to lift my ASS over the seat and hang it over a dangerously FAST moving tire...(Easter Egg DANGLE)..yeah that one....well....I did not feel entirely CONFIDENT using that move.

But what I did was lean as FAR back in my seat as I could.....creating as much weight as I could to the rear of my BIKE.

The intersection rush towards me.....seconds away......seconds away to be IMMORTALIZED by Oahu as the tortured spirit known as the MANGLED MOUNTAIN BIKE MAN OF MONSARRAT AVENUE.


Not gonna let that happen.

I looked at the FRONT BRAKE LEVER in desperation........and this time squeezed it......ever so gently...like cradling a birds egg....tender....like a lovers touch.....

The brake pad....nipped my tire.....creating a bit of traction......but not enough.....I squeezed once more.....carefully........

Not enough.........the intersection was only a few feet away.

I had the red.

Now.......besides GOD and my overworked guardian angel...others had a hand in my LIFE or DEATH moment.

The D-6 BICYCLE crew.

NEVER......EVER...make fun of those DAISY DUKE wearing COPS.....they are NO DOUBT top notch........as I zipped DOWN MONSARRAT....they actually over took me and set up at the intersection below......

They Blocked of CROSSING traffic which played a PIVOTAL role in preventing me from becoming a permanent HOOD ORNAMENT.

I weaved thru the intersection....past the blue and whites.....thanking GOD.....they were ASSIGNED to assist in helping to TRAIN us.......they could have easily been at a NICE PARADE...or a GOVERNMENT event....and that would have left me....well....meeting my MAKER perhaps.....

Thankfully.......or should I say MIRACULOUSLY...all the while I was in the ON COMING traffic lane......not ONE CAR came up on MONSARRAT.......NOT ONE!!

WHEW!!

I veered back into the correct lane of TRAVEL....white as a GHOST...but alive.

I gradually managed to slow down as the street leveled off and as the others FINALLY caught up to me I was referred to as "BAT OUTTA HELL" and "RUNAWAY ROCKET" by some of the OFFICERS.

With a NERVOUS laugh....I counted my lucky ass stars.

I survived.

I survived....the N BOX..obstacles courses.....psychotic DRILLS....the blistering long distance trips to Hawaii Kai.....the Steep HEART ATTACK HILLS of Hanauma Bay...and Papu Place......

5 LEG ACHING DAYS of HOT HAWAIIAN HEAT......but you know what.....looking back it was FRIGGIN FUN!!!

I got paid to HAVE FUN!!!

So what did I get outta this whole experience....other than a greater respect for the HPD BICYCLE DETAIL.

Well for starters I got these FASHIONABLE TAN LINES from my bicycle gloves.My Mother-in-law also baked me an GOOD JOB...CONGRADS... Apple Crisp Desert shaped like.....the infamous N BOX ....DELICIOUS!!!! THANKS DARYL!!!
And finally.... I received a CERTIFICATION and PIN of my week long training via HPD....I was now fully certified to PROTECT THE STREETS OF HAWAII....on a TRICYCLE!!

Of course there are no current SPOTS open on the BICYCLE DETAIL.....but when there is....I'm jumping on it.

I think I'll even have my own DRILL to teach to next group of trainees.

Before riding down each MOUNTAIN.....check your BRAKES...to see if it works.

I'll call it the CARAVALHO BRAKE CHECK.

That has a nice ring to it!

Til Next Time.......
(Providing my brakes work)

Big Daddy