Life is a BEACH

Hello Loyal Readers.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh...is any one there?

Okay it is apparent I have no loyal readers left.

Now I understand this completely....with my 6 month BLOG absence who the heck is going to keep checking if I wrote some updates of the goings on in my life.

2008 has left me emotionally and creatively drained to say the least and even as early as the end of October I was still reeling from Family Issues.

Despite the prior months that I like to call the "Dark Times" I decided to make a comeback and get my creative juices flowing once again.

But where do I start.....let's see....oh heck let's start at work......

I am trading in my patrol pants for some very attractive Reno 911-Lt.Dangle short shorts!

Next week Tuesday I am transferring out of Waikiki District 6 Third Watch Uniformed Patrol...and will be joining the SUNBLOCK SQUAD...the BAYWATCH BEAUTY BOYZ....The F.B.I. (Female Body Inspectors)....or the official term..The BEACH TASK FORCE.

That's right you heard me....The Beach Task Force!!  

What are the duties of a Beach Task Force Officer?

Well I'm glad you asked.....

Let's say you build a nice sand castle and a wave demolishes your hard work...now you need to file a damages complaint...who you gonna call....the Beach Task Force!!

Or for instance a swimmer is stung by a Portagee Man a War and they need to file assault charges...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!

Your blinded by the sight of a old pruny man in a speedo and want to make a indecent exposure case...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!!

The Hawaiian Tropic Sun Swedish Bikini model team run out of sun lotion and need a new coat applied to their sensitive skin....you know it...Beach Task Force!!

A 500 pound hairy man washes up on shore and needs mouth to mouth....who you gonna call....the City and County Lifeguards fool...dont be calling 911!!

All kidding aside the Beach Task Force is hard working group of Officers who protect and assist the public at the beaches in Waikiki.  This proactive unit is largely responsible for the reduction of Beach Theft crimes at a dramatic rate!!

And yes if a 500 pond man washed ashore I would assist in any way I can...I got a face mask for protection....and if you ever needed help to apply a coat of sunblock to your skin...yes I would help...my gun has now been replaced by a department issued SUNBLOCK.

At any rate I will miss my Third Watch partners and the many adventures I had...but its time to move on to a more family friendly schedule.

But I gotta think did I make the right move?  I mean the Beach Task Force has its perks.....but its something about my work environment.

You know a little thing they call the PACIFIC OCEAN....it just drives people crazy and make em do dumb ass things.

Case in point....I get a call on my beat last week....HPD DISPATCH calls me to a Shark sighting type case on the beach side of the Sheraton Waikiki Hotel.

Per dispatch an 8 foot shark is swimming up and down the shoreline.  I cut thru the hotel lobby and make my way through the crowd to investigate.  As I near the scene I am bombarded by tourists who must have been attending a HOW TO BE A COMEDIAN conference at the Hawaii Convention Center.

Its like I'm walking past open mic night as I get the extremely dry one liners.."Hey Officer you gonna shoot the fish with your gun..BWAHAHA!!" or the ever popular "Officer...Officer...you got a harpoon or net on your gun belt...BWAHAHAHA!"

Grit teeth...fake smile...nod....try not to hurt anyone....

"Officer...officer....I hope your wearing a bikini under that uniform...YAHOO....BAWAHAHAH!!"

Block out unoriginal humor....close eyes...breathe in...breathe out...put gun back in holster....inhale....exxxxhale.

After making my way past the DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB comedian crowd I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the scene was totally secured...all swimmers and surfers were out of the water, the crowd was at a thirty foot distance from the shoreline, lifeguards were there providing ocean safety tips, and visible warns signs were posted in the sand.

.......................................................................

Yeah right maybe in a perfect world!

The sight I saw was more like this....

A 5-6 foot shark thrashing in shallow water...Swimmers and surfers were frolicking within 5 feet from it....the crowd was massive and was most of them were waist..knee... or ankle deep in the water snapping pictures on there cameras and cellphones....these photographers were so into there perfect photo op they were neglecting there small children who continued to play with buckets and shovels along the waters edge...lifeguards were nowhere to be seen...and there were absolutely no warning signs posted.

Now that I rolled up on scene...guess who's liable if one of them gets there ass bitten off....thats right...this guy!!!

As I was to dumbfounded to issue verbal commands my partner...as good partners do...steps in and shouts, "Everybody out of the water...NOW!!"

The crowd looks around like confused muppets...or lost sheep.  

But none of them move.

It takes another order or two to slowly get them moving in the direction of LAND.

Good Grief Charlie Brown!!

I mean come on....a shark in the water in the area where your swimming.......it's common

sense.....get the FU$K out!!

Its moments like that when I worry about future moments at the Beach Task Force...the sheer stupidity of people can be jaw dropping.

But who knows....perhaps next vacation I'll go to Canada...take a stroll in the park....and offer the nearest Kodiak Grizzly a bite of my pastrami sandwich. 

Til next time,

Big Daddy