The Misadventures of Big Daddy

Life is a BEACH

2008-11-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Hello Loyal Readers.

Hello?

Uh...is any one there?

Okay it is apparent I have no loyal readers left.

Now I understand this completely....with my 6 month BLOG absence who the heck is going to keep checking if I wrote some updates of the goings on in my life.

2008 has left me emotionally and creatively drained to say the least and even as early as the end of October I was still reeling from Family Issues.

Despite the prior months that I like to call the "Dark Times" I decided to make a comeback and get my creative juices flowing once again.

But where do I start.....let's see....oh heck let's start at work......

I am trading in my patrol pants for some very attractive Reno 911-Lt.Dangle short shorts!

Next week Tuesday I am transferring out of Waikiki District 6 Third Watch Uniformed Patrol...and will be joining the SUNBLOCK SQUAD...the BAYWATCH BEAUTY BOYZ....The F.B.I. (Female Body Inspectors)....or the official term..The BEACH TASK FORCE.

That's right you heard me....The Beach Task Force!!

What are the duties of a Beach Task Force Officer?

Well I'm glad you asked.....

Let's say you build a nice sand castle and a wave demolishes your hard work...now you need to file a damages complaint...who you gonna call....the Beach Task Force!!

Or for instance a swimmer is stung by a Portagee Man a War and they need to file assault charges...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!

Your blinded by the sight of a old pruny man in a speedo and want to make a indecent exposure case...who you gonna call...Beach Task Force!!

The Hawaiian Tropic Sun Swedish Bikini model team run out of sun lotion and need a new coat applied to their sensitive skin....you know it...Beach Task Force!!

A 500 pound hairy man washes up on shore and needs mouth to mouth....who you gonna call....the City and County Lifeguards fool...dont be calling 911!!

All kidding aside the Beach Task Force is hard working group of Officers who protect and assist the public at the beaches in Waikiki. This proactive unit is largely responsible for the reduction of Beach Theft crimes at a dramatic rate!!

And yes if a 500 pond man washed ashore I would assist in any way I can...I got a face mask for protection....and if you ever needed help to apply a coat of sunblock to your skin...yes I would help...my gun has now been replaced by a department issued SUNBLOCK.

At any rate I will miss my Third Watch partners and the many adventures I had...but its time to move on to a more family friendly schedule.

But I gotta think did I make the right move? I mean the Beach Task Force has its perks.....but its something about my work environment.

You know a little thing they call the PACIFIC OCEAN....it just drives people crazy and make em do dumb ass things.

Case in point....I get a call on my beat last week....HPD DISPATCH calls me to a Shark sighting type case on the beach side of the Sheraton Waikiki Hotel.

Per dispatch an 8 foot shark is swimming up and down the shoreline. I cut thru the hotel lobby and make my way through the crowd to investigate. As I near the scene I am bombarded by tourists who must have been attending a HOW TO BE A COMEDIAN conference at the Hawaii Convention Center.

Its like I'm walking past open mic night as I get the extremely dry one liners.."Hey Officer you gonna shoot the fish with your gun..BWAHAHA!!" or the ever popular "Officer...Officer...you got a harpoon or net on your gun belt...BWAHAHAHA!"

Grit teeth...fake smile...nod....try not to hurt anyone....

"Officer...officer....I hope your wearing a bikini under that uniform...YAHOO....BAWAHAHAH!!"

Block out unoriginal humor....close eyes...breathe in...breathe out...put gun back in holster....inhale....exxxxhale.

After making my way past the DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB comedian crowd I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the scene was totally secured...all swimmers and surfers were out of the water, the crowd was at a thirty foot distance from the shoreline, lifeguards were there providing ocean safety tips, and visible warns signs were posted in the sand.

.......................................................................

Yeah right maybe in a perfect world!

The sight I saw was more like this....

A 5-6 foot shark thrashing in shallow water...Swimmers and surfers were frolicking within 5 feet from it....the crowd was massive and was most of them were waist..knee... or ankle deep in the water snapping pictures on there cameras and cellphones....these photographers were so into there perfect photo op they were neglecting there small children who continued to play with buckets and shovels along the waters edge...lifeguards were nowhere to be seen...and there were absolutely no warning signs posted.

Now that I rolled up on scene...guess who's liable if one of them gets there ass bitten off....thats right...this guy!!!

As I was to dumbfounded to issue verbal commands my partner...as good partners do...steps in and shouts, "Everybody out of the water...NOW!!"

The crowd looks around like confused muppets...or lost sheep.

But none of them move.

It takes another order or two to slowly get them moving in the direction of LAND.

Good Grief Charlie Brown!!

I mean come on....a shark in the water in the area where your swimming.......it's common

sense.....get the FU$K out!!

Its moments like that when I worry about future moments at the Beach Task Force...the sheer stupidity of people can be jaw dropping.

But who knows....perhaps next vacation I'll go to Canada...take a stroll in the park....and offer the nearest Kodiak Grizzly a bite of my pastrami sandwich.

Til next time,

Big Daddy

Eggshell walking turtle.

2008-05-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hello loyal readers,

No need to adjust your monitors...its me.

For those of you who grew accustomed to reading my BLOGS I do apologize for the delay.

A crisis in my personal life was the primary reason for my several month long absence......for privacy reasons I will not go into the details....but I will say it has been very difficult on me.....and my entire family.

The crisis depleted my creative tanks.....and my thoughts were only constant worry and concern.

Like we all know...Life was many unexpected ups and downs......I know that....I see it daily.....my Motto has been sorta like "Shit Happens..what can you do.."

Well for me when a problem hits....especially when it has to do with family...I turn into a turtle......I withdraw.....and tread carefully.....grit my teeth...and hope the other shoe does not drop....you know things going from bad to worse.

It aint healthy I know....but its what I do.

There will be dramatic changes at my homestead....I hold my breath in anticipation and will base my interdepartmental career change based on these changes.

In the meantime...when the storm waters are calm...I will try to slip you a BLOG to let you know the scoops.

Anyway...just wanted to say HEY and wish you all happiness and health to you and yours!!

Til next time,
Big Daddy

More ZANY characters than you can shake a stick at!!

2008-01-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hello once again Loyal Readers,

The last two weeks have been.....hellish....at work....and at home.

Ka'ili had another trip to the E.R. for his cyclite vomiting spells......brought on not by the common cold...but by a series of headaches...which he is having all to frequently now.

The answer...a trip to Kapiolani's E.R....and being hooked up to the IVEE action. Now normally...this treatment with his...nausea medicine allows him to bounce back quickly...unfortunately...it didn't...and he spent the next few days bed ridden in a dark bedroom.Between bouts of sickness..he starred in the movie DISTURBIA.....and he was found spying on the neighborhood with his new BINOCULARS .(which was a B-DAY gift from his Mamagito)
It came in a birthday bag labeled, "Keep an eye on your HOOD"....and that's just what he does.

Thankfully he did not witness any murders....but he did witness a RAPE in progress. I'll touch on that later in the BLOG.

What's next for him...well.....a CAT SCAN to rule out the big stuff. Since he has no other symptoms we are hopeful that it is NOT to serious.

So having these ISSUES...health....and mental......at home has made my BRAIN deep fried.

To top it off my great grand-daughter was raped. That's right ....you heard me correctly.

Defiled...Degraded....in front of my own CHILDREN!!!

I got a picture of the culprit.......Our neighbor Lenny has a male rooster which he found half dead on the street. Lenny nursed him back to health...now VIOLA...the TED BUNDY of roosters. Now don't be fooled by his SHOWY appearance....this FUZZY fowl feathered fiend is a savage sexual predator!!!

Yet some will debate...that our little CHEEPY....is to BLAME.....okay...sure she wanders the neighborhood..goes where ever she pleases...stays out at all hours of the night....shakes and flaunts her tail feathers up and down the street....getting all kinds of unwanted attention by neighbors..(mostly hungry ones...this is Kalihi folks). Yup..some might say....she was asking for it!

But no one.....NO ONE deserves to be raped....19 times in one minute.

That's CHICKEN love...worse than friggin rabbits!!

There it was in broad daylight......in the neighbors yard..PECK..PECK...HUMP...PECK...PECK...HUMP...in rapid succession.

It was alarming.

So this one afternoon....I had to explain the birds and the bees....or more appropriately the CHICKENS and the bees....to my children.....actually...... I just told them they were HUGGING and WRESTLING.

Kaili was satisfied with that answer...but I believe our 12 year old SANTA BELIEVING (Kinohi: Whats wrong with believing in Santa? UGH!) daughter was actually suspicious they might be DOING something more inappropriate. (Kinohi: duh! I'm not stupid!)

We....the great grandparents....might actually be the cause of CHEEPYS recent promiscuous behavior.

Remember the nest of EGGS under our porch......well.......we sorta stole the potential chicks, gave em to our neighbors to eat, and replaced it with a more festive oval items.

We placed these EASTER EGGS filled with POTTING SOIL in the nest attempting to fool the mother.....

CHEEPY sat on it ONCE...and gave us the stinkest, "Who the hell you trying to fool!" type look.
Since that time she has abandoned her nest and has sought male comfort over at Lenny's backyard with SILKY the chicken.

I guess you can say shes living the dream.......

She has no annoying baby chicks dragging her down....she gets extra rations of seed at the next store neighbors yard....sex whenever she wants....and if she has a headache she can just fly back over the fence and leave her horny non-FLYING sex friend behind.

What a GREAT life!!

No ......I don't envy my chickens life.......okay... maybe just the simplicity side of it.

For instance......does she have to make LIFE or DEATH decisions....no...NOT whether to cross the friggin road...I'm talking DO or DIE kind of decisions!!!

Last week I got a call about ROBBERY suspects seen in the area of KUHIO AVENUE and ROYAL HAWAIIAN. Dispatch gave us a description of these MALE ONLY suspects...and the entire sector swarmed the area looking for these FOOLS.

While searching the streets I saw a local druggie female...doing what I like to call the CRACK DANCE.

WHINCE..TWITCH...TWITCH...WHINCE..TWITCH....TWITCH.

She looks my way...gives me an ODD look....but continues...walking and dancing.

The behavior....or the CRACK DANCE...catches my short attention span...but I was after HARDEN criminals...so I drove right past her.

As I turned right on the street...a call comes in over the radio.

"CENTRAL to all units in the area...report of a female walking around with a MACHINE GUN...appears to be on some sort of drugs."

Dispatch gives the females description...and like you may have guessed...it was WHINCE TWITCH TWITCH girl....that I just seconds before...drove right by.

I quickly tried to back track....thinking she must be long gone....but when I circle around the block....she got off the main road and was coming....dancing RIGHT friggin towards me.

In her right hand....off to the side.....there it was...a SUB MACHINE GUN.WHOA NELLY!!

Now I would like to say I used training and tactics at this point.
You know parked at a safe distance.....gained cover behind my Patrol Vehicle....drew my weapon...shouted verbal commands.....

I did no such thing.

I drove on up to the girl....exited the vehicle...walked two giant steps...grabbed a hold of the weapon...and said, "What the BEEP you carrying this BEEP around....you wanna get BEEPING shot out here."

I proceeded to YANK the gun out of her hand.

In hindsight I realized....that was not the most safe and effective way to approach/disarm a suspect.

As I grabbed at the gun I tried to call for backup...but the RADIO was busy and I couldn't key my MIKE.

BACKUP actually found me......giving the lady a good scolding .....she was drugged out of her mind .

The SARGE asked me if I drew down on her....when I said "No", he quickly added, "Did you think the gun was FAKE."

I mostly thought it was FAKE...mostly....when I grabbed it away.... I was 100% sure it was a replica.

She had a real TITA attitude at first....ignoring my commands to sit down.

"What the fuck you bothering me FO?!" the druggie snapped. "Its just one toy gun I found in the trash can!!"

"So you decide to march around Waikiki with it.....did you expect no one to BOTHER you?!" I yelled back.

"WOT...Officer....its just RUBBISH......I found em with other stuffs...even had one Teddy Bear in the can." she stated.

"Well maybe you should'a taken the Teddy Bear instead!" I said in cold tone.

She looks around at all the BLUE UNIFORMS circling around her and says quietly, "Oh yeah..yeah...I should'a taken da bear."

Now as it was, she did NOT threaten anyone with the gun...verbally or physically.....so she was not arrested. I wonder if she had pointed the weapon at me would I have reacted more cautiously....I would like to think I would...and I would like to think I will the next time I approach anyone with a weapon....even if it looks FAKE...to treat it like a REAL THREAT.

In my area....with the HIGH PROFILE....always in the public eye...you have to be CAREFUL how you act, over react, or under react to daily situations....people be watching.

For instance I was sent to a DISTURBANCE case last week....a homeless male wearing a red and black checkered shirt was reported yelling and screaming in the area of Triangle Park. This unhappy male also seen throwing bottles in that area.

I arrive on the scene......no male matching that description was found. Sometimes DISTURBANCE cases like that, can be a thorn in your side for your entire shift, if you don't locate and deal with it. So I started asking around.

I walk around...asked a homeless lady who informed me she did not hear anyone screaming. I finally found a possible witness... a reserved HAPA looking student sitting on a bus stop bench.

I asked if she saw some one yelling and screaming in the area.

She nodded and said a a meek voice, "Yes I did Officer....he was yelling and screaming at that pile of sticks over there....I was quite scared."

"I would be too." I agreed with a smile. "which way did he go?"

She pointed towards the ALA WAI.

I hopped into my car and continued my search.

As I hit the corner turning onto Ala Wai...I see another squad car pulled of to the side.
I see an officer talking with a man...wearing a red and black checkered shirt.
I quickly pulled in behind the Officer's car. We the check the male out...who was coherent/normal at this time. But there was something familiar about him. A few minutes go by and it finally hit me....I dealt with this guy a few years back in the cellblock.
He came in one afternoon....HIGH as a kite on METH and kept trying to fight us.
3-4 separate times we had to wrestle with him. When we put him in the camera cell...he was doing somersaults and cartwheels NON STOP. He could have been a POSTER boy for an ANTI CRYSTAL METH campaign.

Here he was.....once more....not angry but obviously the drugs had taken its toll to his BRAIN.....but since arguing with STICKS is not currently a CRIME...we cut em loose.

As I watched him walk away I notice a GRANDMA with a cane standing next to my parked PATROL CAR. She walked towards me...slower than a turtle...and upon closer inspection I observed giant white whiskers protruding from her chin.

"Excuse me...Officer...I don't mean to sound like a Horse's ass," she stated in screechy voice, "actually I do.....do you see your CAR."

She pointed her cane at my PATROL CAR.

I quickly noticed that I had partially blocked the CROSSWALK.

"If I cross over here....and get struck by another car...I could sue you at court..and take you to the cleaners." she said.

Wow....no appreciation....trying to keep the streets safe...now I was getting scolded by a granny.

I thought it best to let her know why I parked the way I did.

"Ma mm I do apologize....but it was an emergency..... I come here because of a male yelling, screaming and throwing beer bottles."

"That's funny," she stated suspiciously, "cause I was standing here for about 5 minutes and he wasn't doing anything like that."

WOW....look out now DETECTIVE GRANDMAMA is on the case!!!!

I quickly added, "Well it happened around the corner...and we found him here."

"Oh....right...right." she said in a YOUR SO FULL OF SHIT tone.

Now I could have snapped and gone on the LOW ROAD.....you know show her my computer screen which states the information on every case I go to.

She would have clearly read...."MALE in checkered shirt yelling, screaming, and throwing bottles."

But alas...LOW ROADS...normally end up in complaints so I took the HIGH ROAD.

I apologized once again..and said "Next time I'll make sure the scene is safe...and than I'll move my car.....but its a dangerous world out here...I gotta make sure this man doesn't attack me or my partner first.

"Believe me sonny..." she said with a sly smile, "don't let my looks fool you...if that man was attacking you...I would'a walked over here and beat his ASS with my cane!"

WOW!! KICK ASS Granny should get a badge!!

It was that point I thanked her for her support....held up oncoming traffic.....and like a kind little BOYSCOUT I helped her across the street.

Man...you meet all kinds of CHARACTERS out here!!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

BACON and EGGS

2008-01-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Loyal Readers,

Its near middle of January and I felt it was due time to drop a few lines.....

Hmmm.....that's sorta rappish....YO BABY YO BABY YO!!

At any rate things have been WELL in my life.....

The NEW YEAR started off with the usual BIG BANGS in Kalihi.

Our neighbor LENNY caught me on my way to work several weeks ago.

Now LENNY has a shady past and I think it has left him a bit paranoid.
Before I left on vacation last year he was in a complete RAGE over the HOBO CAMP on the corner of our street.

I was enjoying a pleasant evening at home with friends and family when I got a LATE NIGHT scream in my window..."CHRIS.....HEY CHRIS!!!"

As I exited my front door and looked over to the property line....there stood LENNY.with a wild look in his eyes....pacing angrily back and forth....and a SPEAR in his hand....nothing fancy like a SPARTAN spear...but a homemade one.....but still....I was taken aback.

I got an ear full of RANTS and RAVES that left me in disbelief.

I mean sure I could internally share in his FRUSTRATION......but I wasn't about to slam my property and march around my house with a make shift spear and declare WAR on the HOBO camp. Try talking with a irate male with a spear in his hands.....its UNCOMFORTABLE.
Dialogue is frikin dangerous...with the pointing...and the thrusting......good gravy!!

LENNY was sharing some personal stories of how the HOBOZ was making his life a living HELL!

They ranged from stories like, One day I went to the PLATE LUNCH place up the street and one of the HOBOZ said..."What...you HUNGRY!?"

Other stories involved his mailbox being tampered with and his mail scattered on the ground.

The strangest story was when he informed me that he comes home from work his DOGS mouth sometimes smells like CHICKEN.

...................................................................................

That kinda made me PAUSE and fall silent...until he explained that the HOBOZ must be feeding his DOG....so the DOG is now useless as a GUARD dog.

Okay he aint entirely BANANAZ.....he did on one occasion park his van near the HOBO village and his window was mysteriously smashed.....so yeah.....suspicious things were happening.

Anyway when he asked me to HELP with the situation.....I was a bit tired of it all..dealing with STUFF at work only to come home with a whole bunch of crime problems....I made one call to a friend....and like I mentioned before....called the PROPERTY OWNER personally.

Like I said in a previous BLOG it eventually sorted itself out....with the tear down and leveling of 2 LOTS...which once stood the mighty HOBO village.

So LENNY catches me on the way to work and I met him over by the property line.....a quick scan reveled no weapons in his hands.

But without warning his hand shot out towards me...making me flinch for a second......I quickly realized it was a gesture for a handshake.

Sighing silently...we shook hands....and he thanked me for the HELP with the HOBO village.

I don't think I had much to do with the destruction of the HOBO village but I did say your WELCOME.

Now at this point....I want to build a defense for what happened next.

LENNY has a think Filipino accent and he tends to mumble......second...the level of street noise was at an all time high with construction and windy conditions.....finally...I was in a RUSH to get to work!!

So when he asked if I liked..."BOILED PEANUTS" I did concur.

Now I made him repeat it twice...because of the mumbling..accent..construction..wind...thing....
and I swore I heard correctly..."Would you like boiled peanuts?"

I felt it rude to ask him to repeat it a third time........and I guess...it was his way....for a PEACE OFFERING...a show of gratitude of assisting with the HOBO problem.

So like I told him..."Yeah I like it...Dawn does too.....but I'm heading to work so just bring it buy later."

With that I left him..... I jumped in my truck..drove down the street...looked back at LENNYS house....only to discover he was still standing in the same place..waving back at me with a wide white grin spread across his face.

Hmmm...boiled peanuts.....sounds delicious.

Heading to work and jumping into the routine of CRIME FIGHTING I quickly forgot about the conversation.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket...screening the numbers I realize its the wifey.

I clicked ANSWER on the cell phone and said, "Hello?"

"YOU ASSHOLE!!" roared an angry voice on the other line.

I quickly checked the callers number again to see if some deranged lunatic had misdialed or was prank calling me.

No such luck..."CONNECTED TO DAWN"......the screen read....as clear as DAY.

"Uhh...what did I do?" I managed to stammer in unsure voice.

"Your such a ASSHOLE!!"

That fact has been established long ago Loyal Readers so my next response was, "What did I do now?"

"LENNY came over to the house..." Dawn answered.

"Yeah..and....how were the peanuts?" I said.

"Peanuts...what the HELL are you talking about....he brought a pig over!" she shouted.

"A pig...."I asked in bewilderment, "what....like cooked pig?"

"No not cooked pig....you asshole....a pig...like in WILD PIG he killed in the mountains!"

"What....I heard him say BAG of PEANUTS.....if we liked BAGGED PEANUTS.....I never heard him say PIG."

My wife shot back.."Well it was in a BAG...a kitchen garbage BAG....but it was a freshly killed WILD PIG...he told me that YOU said I liked it!!"

"I never said....wait..a wild PIG in a garbage BAG hooves tusks and all......I could'a sworn he said PEANUTS."

"Well he didn't.....I told him thanks....but no thanks....you just wait till you get home...YOU ARE SO GONNA GET IT!!!"

Needless to say loyal readers....after work that night....I sat in my car fronting my house ....hoping my wife would be PASSED out before I walked in the front door.

BAG O PEANUTS.....BAG O PIG...........yeah....its pretty close in similarity...right...RIGHT.....??

I took a beating for that one.

The latest news on the CARAVALHO home front is that I am gonna be a GREAT GRANDPA!

That's right GREAT GRANDPA. I got several great grand kids on the way.

Before you look at Kinohi like Brittney Spears sister...or trying to figure out the MATH in our ages and figuring out that that is an IMPOSSIBLE occurrence....let me show you a picture of my GRANDCHILD.....the loving mother to be.

That's right....CHEEPY "THE KALIHI CHICKEN" CARVALHO...has setup a nice nest under our front porch.

Now the pecking order so to speak is we, (Dawn and Me) are grandparents to the cat and the chicken......Ka'ili and Kinohi are the parents to the cat and the chicken....and so on and so forth....you get the idea. Please don't call the STATE HOSPITAL on us....we are for the most part a perfectly normal family...and most of us take our medication regularly ....but I must say I am not sure I am ready to be a GREAT GRANDPA in my mid-thirties....but.....oh well....my grandchild CHEEPY is giving birth to not ONE...not TWO....not THREE.....but FOUR EGGS!!!!!! Although I know by the time I post this BLOG it will be up to a half dozen.... So now I am considering quitting my DAY JOB and try my hand at a new profession.

That's right you heard me.....

I am gonna renovate my home....make it into Kalihi's first BED and BREAKFAST!!

I'll call it the, "HOBOLESS HOODLIFE B& B"

Our breakfast menu will have one single entry.

BACON and EGGS-Enjoy fresh island Kalihi eggs fresh from the feathery fuzzy ass of our very own CHEEPY the CHICKEN CARAVALHO also includes four slices of freshly bagged muddy mountain boar black furry bacon....a bit gamey...but DEEELICIOUS!! $ 6.95

Loyal Readers...you are hereby invited to the GRAND OPENING!!

Although I do believe Ka'ili and Kinohi may protest the whole idea.

Oh well....there goes another dream shot to hell in a million pieces!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

CHRIS-MUST CARD

2007-12-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Loyal Readers!!!

Happy HOMOerotica

2007-12-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

Tis the Season Loyal Readers,

Okay the title of the BLOG....may prove offensive to some....but believe me...the title fits.....much like a used dirty glove.

There has been a few changes in my life.......the first of which is that I changed BEATS in Waikiki.
Now changing a BEAT does not mean I left the area....the change is that instead of me being what is called a "SWING OFFICER", in Waikiki (switching BEATS every single day) I took a more PERMANENT position.

Now remember when I described the area of Waikiki as 2 separate SECTORS...1 and 2.

2 has a rep for being....well.....not as hardworking.......

Now I personally don't agree with that assessment....I know alotta good guys is Sector 2.......

Sector 1.....as I mentioned before...is supposedly the more ELITE....hardworking crew.

They also as you can recall.....have a tendency to ICE you out if they feel they don't meet there standards.

I personal felt the CHILL FACTOR at times.

So it was a total surprise to me when week ago an Officer from SECTOR 1 approached me with a question.

The ELITE squad sent a spokes person.....KENNY......

Years ago when I was 18...I worked for an A+ program.

KENNY was one of my babies...I used to watch.....hows that for small world.
KENNY is a cool guy...almost to nice to be an Officer.....

Anyway Kenny asks me..."They guys wanted to know if your willing to take up a SLOT in Sector 1?"

Now folks......you may not understand the magnitude of this QUESTION.

It was a milestone.

These ........ELITE guys.....wanted to choose me to work with them!!!!

I felt like a FAT KID getting picked first at BASKETBALL on the playground.

After months.....since February actually....I've been trying to fit in........now....they were asking me to join there CREW.

Some of you might say...well....weren't they the same guys who ICED you and didn't hang out with you.

Indeed this is true......but they are the seniors to D6....it is a wealth of knowledge to work on their side.

I took KENNY up on the offer......

Another HUGE change is the lot next to the former DRUG HOUSE.

Now for those of you who are unaware of my HOOD.....on the corner of my block is a vacant house......for years the tenants for this residence was selling DRUGS.
It was only recently...a year or so that they were evicted.

It was a celebration short lived.

The lot makai of the DRUG HOUSE began to attract some SHADY HOMELESS HOBO characters.

Derelict cars....vehicle habitation...domestic brawls...and drug use....all within just a stone throw distance from me front door.

It left me feeling UNEASY......especially since I work so much and leave the family at home with such a BAD ELEMENT nearby.

Well....this ELEMENT......grew and grew.....taking over the vacant house and LOT....just being a nuisance.

I had neighbors also approach me about trying to RID the street of them.

Doing what I do ....I realized it would have to be the PROPERTY OWNER'S responsibility to Trespass the HOBOZ off the land.

I chatted via the phone with the LAND OWNER and PROPERTY MANAGER to make them aware of the situation.

Since I'm used to dealing with people..talking calmly and assertively....I was floored when after I informed them what was going on...they both lashed out at me with DEFENSIVE, ANGRY, and STINK ATTITUDES.

I could not believe it!!

It was a very stressful and helpless feeling.

But now,...Santa has brought an EARLY Christmas gift.

CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES!!

METAL MONSTROSITIES HAVE TORN THE CRAP OUT OF THAT STINK HOLE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW!!

I am hopeful..GOD WILLING...that they will not return.... like pesky ROACHES to the area! Time will only tell.

Wow 2 treats in my STOCKING OF MY LIFE......what a special Christmas!!

But wait...."dig"..."dig"..."dig"...is that a piece of COAL in there too.....???

WHY YES IT IS!!

Now this particular story starts on a dark and stormy night in Waikiki....

I got a call from dispatch on a nuisance complaint.

Employees from a BURGER joint was complaining about a homeless male in the area and wanted him moved along.

Being around the corner I arrived rather quickly and responded, "658 I'm off....cancel anyone else coming."

Cancelling cover.....is not looked highly upon with the supervisors....for good reason....

SAFETY.

But..I figured....what the heck this should be a quick "storm trooper" ,"MOVE ALONG...MOVE ALONG!" type case.

I hit my blue lights and block a lane in KALAKAUA.

The rain is at a constant drizzle as I exit my patrol car.

I walk over to the BURGER JOINT and notice two males at the entrance.

One male sat upright with a guitar and was strumming away and loudly singing a CHRISTMAS tune. The other was face down, partially blocking the door, and reeked of ALCOHOL. I stepped cautiously over the passed out male and entered the realm of the creepy KING. The blinding fluorescent lighting caused me to wince and I squinted to gain my bearings.

To my immediate right was a large Polynesian male....maybe 17....but heck at 6' tall 290pounds....he could have also been a 12 year old Polynesian boy. The boy stared at me....stopping.... midbite into a messy meaty WHOOPER. The big boy looked abit startled...by my presence.
I sensed his uneasiness...so I decided to break the ice.
I noticed a large blot of condiment cream on his face and said, "You got a little special sauce on the corner there."
The boy turned a shade of red and quickly give his MUG a wipe down.

I moved to the cashiers and was greeted by a female manager with a strong Filipino accent. Sensing a strong language barrier, I quickly turned on my translator device.

She said to me "DAT ONE..DAT ONE..Oppisir...he blok d door...d..customers...hab to step ober hem to go in and out...I want hem to mube....can you tell hem to MUBE?"

I strained my ears and tilted my head like an curious puppy.
I than fiddled with my translator device...checking the batteries..and adjusted all the levels.
"Uuhh...just the one guy" I asked,.."or the Guitar Hero too?"

"No jus hem...jus hem..MUBE HEM!" she said in a irritated tone.

"Okey dokey" I responded spinning on my heel back to the door way.

Once outside, I stood over the homeless male. The crowd on the sidewalk...began to slow down..rubber neck and gawk with the... "Hey whats going on over there?" curiosity.

"Hey buddy...my man." I said "time to wake up."
The male continued to count sheep.
He looked like a merry lumberjack on vacation.
He had....long stringy..matted brown hair (which desperately needed a wash).
A grizzly bearded face which made him look twice his age.
and he wore a dirt covered red plaid long sleeve shirt with stained cut blue jean shorts that crept dangerously close to his crevice.

NASTY.

"Hey ...my man...wake up time....your blocking the door...you gotta move!" I said in a louder voice.

Not a stir.

Hmmm....I thought....not working.

I reached into my pocket in search of LATEX gloves.
With a sinking feeling I realized I forgot to grab a pair from the Arsenal that day.

CRAP!

"Hey my man....DUDE...wake up!!" I said in a more earnest voice.

Now I didn't wanna touch PIG PENS daddy...I could feel the body lice hopping onto my uniform.
And I was sure using my Pepper spray...or metallic baton...would be considered by the average citizen...an excessive WAKE UP CALL service.

I reached into my pants pockets once more...and SHAZAM!!

I felt a pair of latex gloves.

Not your standard gloves mind you...the good DISH WASHING LATEX GLOVES gloves that I got from an Ambulance at an accident scene the night before.

Snapping them bad boys up to my elbows I reached down and shook the males shoulder.

No response.

I could see him breathing....the rise and fall of his chest.

I shook his shoulder and shouted one last time.

Nothing.

Back in the day we learned a tactic...to arouse....or awake...passed out Drunks.

The STERNUM RUB.

It had proven useful in the past so I decided to use the tactic.

Bearing my index knuckle down firmly to the lumberjacks chest I lightly began to RUB his chest bone.

The results were almost immediate as the dudes eyes popped open and he began to take a few disoriented punches at me.

Now keep in mind he was on his back...the punches had little force to them..but I nearly shit my pants with his sudden attack.

I grabbed his fists and began to try to take control.

Oddly enough...he had some strength....and I couldn't lock up his arms.

As we struggled holding each others hands....flailing them back and forth...with Christmas Music being strummed in the background.....I felt like a MOST LIKELY TO BE LAST PLACE COMPETITOR in DANCING WITH THE STARS.

"Get the fuck off of me!!" he slurred angrily.

It was at this moment I concluded that canceling my cover was not one of my better moves.

I took a deep look into the lumberjacks eyes. The misty confusion in his expression led me to believe he really didn't know who I was...or what was going on.

I released my grip and backed away slightly.

"Dude...its H.P.D."

I saw some recognition in his face to what my title was and at his moment I heard a voice behind me.

"Whats going on Daniel?"

It was my beat partner...and former 4 year co-worker at the CELL BLOCK...Laura.

Despite me cancelling cover she decided to come anyway to see if I needed help.

Laura is a burly white woman with a mind as corrupted as YOURS TRULY.

I look over at Laura and ask, "You know this guy?"

She nods and quickly recaps a few stories...or RUN INS she had with this Daniel.

"You giving my friend a hard time?" she asks him in playful tone.

"No...this cop..ish...bothering me....what you training the new guys WRONG?" he says with a gruff voice.

"Training....him....no he trains me....he's got more years than me....." she states.

Daniel stumbles to his feet and I see that he is my height...maybe an inch more. He stares me down.

"Well...he don't know what the HELL he's doing....he thinks his some TUFF guy or something." he says.

Daniel reaches into his pack and pulls out some tobacco and rolling paper.

"No....not him....hes a cool guy." Laura responded.

Daniel turns his back to me and turns his head back at me...a sly smile spreads his face...his droopy eyes begin to twinkle.

"My your a BIG BOY....." he says.

Laura cracks a smile and adds, "Yup we call him BIG DADDY."

I give her a YOUR NOT HELPING look.

Daniel says, "Oh yeah.....well you can ruff me up...BIG DADDY."

Laura laughs and hoots in response to his comment.

"Okay.....9:30 pm on the 11 of December......I now feel officially sick to my stomach."

Daniel verbally gives chase, "You can visit me in my secret lair." He arches his back extends his ass out and smiles.

Laura laughs and hoots some more and adds "I wonder where that is?"

I had an idea.....but wished I didn't.

"We got to change your name...Big Daddy...let's make a seasonal name change." Daniel says with an excited energy in his tone.

"Let's call you....CANDY CANE." he says as he darted his tongue across the length of his rolling paper. "I'm gonna lick you up."

I quickly looked inside the BURGER JOINT and checked to see if BARF BAGS were added to the MENU.

Coming to the rescue Laura says, "Okay..Okay...you had your fun...time to go.."
She grabs Daniel by the sleeve and pulls him along.

I keep my distance.....wanting to be nowhere near his SECRET LAIR.

He manages to cross the street without getting hit by a vehicle and I thank Laura for the assist.
She smiles and nods.

I turn and rapidly move to my patrol car trying to create as much distance as possible between me and that horrific SCENE.

I didn't move fast enough.

As I was about to step inside the safe confines of the vehicle Laura quickly adds, "See you later CANDY CANE."

I squint my eyes painfully and freeze in my tracks.

Without looking back...... I jumped in my car..... and sped off.

Even with the AIR CON, POLICE RADIO, CAR RADIO, and WINDOWS rolled up.....I could still her Laura laughing her ass off as I drove away.

Why me!!

Till next time,

Big Daddy

Your not Dreaming.....its a NEW BLOG!

2007-12-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays Loyal Readers,

Well...its official...I'm back.

With a two month BLOG BREAK...many of you thought I was either so busy doing DEEP UNDERCOVER working in public restrooms catching deviant males in various LEWD acts.....that... or being dead.

I am happy to say that I am neither.....although....this past SUNDAY.....I nearly met Jesus.

But before I go into to that... let me give you some highlights of my whereabouts.....and WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN UP TO.

I do apologize to all of my loyal readers for the BLOG delay...for two months of silence...I've been work...work...working.....

Waikiki is still FAST and FURIOUS.....and the routine of WORK...WAKEUP..WORK...WAKEUP...WORK....WORK SOME MORE..GO TO COURT...GO TO WORK.....5 days.....9 hours..LATE CASE HERE...LATE CASE THERE...left me drained.....physically....spiritually....and creatively.

There were many times I sat in front of the computer....wanting to share a quick story with you all......but ...quite honestly I felt sluggish....and not enthused....

I guess..we all...fall into RUTS sometimes in our lives and need a RECHARGE.

Thank GOD for vacation......it was greatly needed.

My family is fine for the most part.....

The MEDICAL MYSTERIES that are my children..OCD...ANXIETY SPIKES...VOMIT PROJECTILES..always leaves me in disbelief......

The BARF FESTS of my son has finally got a MEDICAL TERM......CYCLETTE VOMITING.

CYCLETTE VOMITING is a condition associated in the MIGRAINE family.
Its like a BRAIN....type issue. It leaves the individual..feeling nauseous...dizzy....

Its usually brought on by a simple infection....in my sons case...whenever he gets a simple COLD....he is literally..PUKING his guts up....non-stop....

We used to try to let it RUN its course....you know...eventually he'll stop vomiting....but low and behold......he wouldn't.

Well a recently trip to the E.R. led to the discovery that .......CYCLETTE VOMITING.

Granted there is no cure...but if certain medications are giving before the CYCLE begins....it can reduce the chances of a full out BARF FEST.

I tell you.....

It's GOOD GLORIOUS DAYS when my kiddies are HAPPY and HEALTHY!!!

When they are not..like I have mentioned before....I am at the highest STRESS LEVELS than anything WORK can throw at me.

November....my VACATION month...could not come quick enough....

I missed out of the busiest DAY/WORK in Waikiki...OCTOBER 31st...HALLOWEEN......

I was scheduled to work mind you...but I was...."cough"..."cough"
UNDER THE WEATHER. The fact that I called in sick.....on HALLOWEEN(the busiest day of the year) and coincidentally was the last day of work prior to the first day of my vacation did not go OVERLOOKED by my SARGE.

In any event........my vacation first took me to SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA...for good ole fashion fun at DISNEYLAND.....DISNEY CALIFORNIA.....and UNIVERSAL STUDIOS.

The KIDS took DISNEYLAND by storm....taking on anything and EVERYTHING...Disney could throw at them.....no longer satisfied with the baby rides like DUMBO and AUTOTOPIA...they moved on to the BIG LEAGUES...

Now hitting STAR TOURS and SPACE MOUNTAIN with the kids.....I was quickly confronted with the painful truth...I'm getting OLD.

As I nervously boarding these rides.....with Kinohi and Ka'ili....I was nervous....and worried.NOT FOR ME.....for them.....you know...I keep leaning over to my son....and kept reminding him..."Remember if you feel dizzy.....close your eyes."

After exiting these particular rides I became aware that my fears and concerns...were....misplaced.

When the rides were over....my kids were laughing, wide eyed, sprinting like race track stars BACK to front of the line screaming.."AGAIN....AGAIN!!"....and I....found myself... staggering...green faced...to the nearest BATHROOM...dry heaving in the sink..saying "NO MORE...NO MORE!!

Its kinda strange...when I think about it....rides that used to TERRIFY me.....you know MANAHORN.....PIRATES........rides that were...just SPOOKY to me when I was there age....it....doesnt phase them.

I think because my OFFSPRING are over exposed......with a mixture of PG-13 movies and rated M for mature Video Games...they are desensitized to a lot of things.

Universal STUDIOS was a true test to see if my kids are growing up FAST. Universal is geared for an OLDER type crowd. But recently my kids have displayed an interest in ACTING and MOVIE MAKING....so I figured what the heck.....now would be a good time to CHECK it out.

The rides may have been ABIT much for them...JURASSIC was a WET scary ride....but they did it ONCE....with no desire for repeats.....they were intimidated by the Mummy ride...and displayed no great interest in trying that one out.

But they had a blast...seeing MOVIE MAGIC...special effects...behind the SCENES.......and good ole WATER play at the NICKOLODEAN WET ZONE.

Our KALIHI hawaiian kids braved the chilly NOVEMBER air, donned there SWIM SUITS, battled HYPOTHERMIA, and splashed around in an enormous LIQUID themed structure.

I even got to meet a few celebrities while I was there.

Anyhoot......after a THEME PARKED, fast paced, and fun filled week we headed NORTH BOUND CALI to my mom...MAMAGITOS house.....for FAMILY bonding.

It was here that...I finally got to RECHARGE...spend money.....and hang with all the OHANA and enjoy THANKSGIVING.

Although the TURKEY got the last laugh.....being still not entirely thawed and partially frozen it wasn't finish cooking to well into the evening.

Speaking of THAW and FROZEN......an attempt to look for SNOW for the kids nearly ended with negative results.

A three hour drive finally exposed a SKI area with man made snow. The area was closed off and I politely asked the employee of the area if some KIDS from Hawaii could toss around a few snow balls.

Permission was granted and we hit the POWDER....or should I say slush. I tried to navigate the kiddies to an open area and was nearly knee deep in 3 inches of snow and 9-10 inches of WATERY SLUSH.

With wet shoes and socks we spent an estimated 20 minutes of snow time.

Than we proceeded to drive 3 more hours to get back home.

Ah well. The kids had a BLAST so that's all that counts.

Soon enough.....the VACATION was over....and now.....I AM BACK TO WORK!

The DECEMBER month has been a bit slow and uneventful.......the only excitement was that I finally got put on my H.P.D ISSUED SPANDEX and ride along side the WAIKIKI BICYCLE PATROL in the MARATHON.

We started at 2:00 in the morning and were scheduled to work until 4:30 in the afternoon.

Now there was a few things I noticed when I jumped on the BIKE......

1. I was out of shape.....

2. My clothes have grown much more snug..

and 3. I spent the whole day hunched over on my back battling my HOLIDAY belly.

What you ask is a HOLIDAY BELLY........?

Well......during the CALIFORNIA NORTH CALI vacation...I put on...shall we say....some WINTER weight.......with a extra fold or flap of flubber best kept hidden by a turtle neck or colorful COSBY sweater.

This is thanks to 3 meals a day.....big breakfasts...eating out...home cooked meals...and daily desserts.

So for the entire MARATHON day I kept trying to TUCK my BLUBBER in my gunbelt like someone might try to tuck in a long sleeve shirt.

It was frustrating and distracting BICYCLE ride.....not to mention...the BIKE I got stuck with that day felt smaller than a tricycle.......I swear...as I peddled...I felt my knees knock the side of my EARS.

These were MINOR inconveniences looking BACK...........irritating at best........remember in the beginning of the BLOG I mentioned....meeting JESUS.

What was also irritating was all the angry TRAFFIC....we had to TRY and control.....and PEDESTRIANS we had to protect from getting flattened by furious drivers.

I most definitely got my EARFULL for the year of COMPLAINANTS....MOANS.....SCREAMS....CURSE WORDS and yes even MENTAL TEAR FILLED BREAKDOWNS.

No joke......I saw several drivers hunched over in the CARS actually crying tears....not knowing how to get to a certain location....because of all the ROAD closures......

I felt BAD for certain tourists....who had to catch a FLIGHT back home. As I directed traffic I would see the same rental vehicles....zip back and forth....like a drowning rat looking for a piece of dry land.

Some would come past me and state.."What am I gonna do...I got an hour left to get on my plane."

Others would yell out.."I am a HOSTAGE.....I AM A HOSTAGE IN WAIKIKI how THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE!"

Definitely not a predicament I would like to be in.

But who's to blame........the course shuts of WAIKIKI from the entire world.

Now the MARATHON is nothing new.....its been going on for years......they give the LOCAL public (maybe not the tourists) ample warning.

But at the height of the RACE there is very few options.......

Run over a hundred marathon racers or...park your CAR on the street.......and walk it in/ or out of WAIKIKI.

It was looooooong hours.....and I was verbally bombarded.

After the RACE was completed....it was finally time to head in back to the meeting point at NIKE TOWN.

The sidewalks were covered with HUNDREDS of sore walking tourists.....straining..slowly....shuffling...along the avenue. There was no room to maneuver thru the crowds....so we took to the street.

So in a neat single file line myself and the entire WAIKIKI BICYCLE DETAIL sped west bound on KALAKAUA onto on coming traffic.

As we zipped thru the speeding ONCOMING VEHICLES...I remember thinking...wow.....this is ....potentially dangerous.

Of course if you know me at all....you know my WORST CASE SCENARIO mentality always works on OVERTIME.

So I tried to brush off the fact that with a single CELL PHONE call...a driver would swerve head on with me and I would a PERMANENT HOOD ORNAMENT.

No way....I thought....... not me........I made it this far....the whole FRIGGING day....without any kind of major incident....I can DO IT....I'm INVINCIBLE.......I'm UNBREAKABLE......I am like GOD!!

It was at this time merely seconds from reaching NIKE TOWN.....GOD....actually showed up....just in time to show me who's the REAL BOSS and to hand feed me a HUGE slice of HUMBLE PIE.

At a speed of about 20 mph...I felt my front tire drop.........

Drop into a unsealed vertical crack in the ASPHALT......

Now you seen these type of cracks on the road....not a pot hole....an actually vertical crack....where the slab of ASPHALT is not connected to the other slab of ASPHALT...

I envision some lazy CITY and COUNTY road crew dropping these huge slabs and one of em saying.."Kay...pau...let's go!"

Now the other worker...the more worrisome one states the obvious, "Brah....try look...the pieces of asphalt no stay connected...deas one CRACK."

"Eh....." the lazy one would answer, "Its FRIDAY.....frick em .....I got beers calling my name!!"

They both would be in agreement......and leave.

Enter little ole me in the SCENE/LOCATION....X amount days later.........

Now my front tire is as thin as a razor and it dropped in this crack....

PERFECTLY.

I felt it happening....just like MONSARRAT....time slowed down........I WAS GOING TO DIE!

I am proud to say loyal readers....I wasn't planning on going down without a FIGHT.

I snapped the wheel..to try to GET out of the crack......

This move wedged my wheel deeper into the CRACK and set into motion what I like to call....a R&B singer R. KELLY "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY" moment.

My momentum.....20mph....plus 230 pounds of HOLIDAY BELLY rushed forward....bending my front tire like a sun exposed vinyl record....it WARPED....my tire warped... like a LAYS potato chip....

I hit the rear brake as HARD as I could.....I fought the good fight.....I yanked...I pulled...I struggled...I tried to put a foot down......but it was to late.

I casually put on my red super hero cape......

And for the entertainment of hundreds of curious tourists and vehicular traffic.

I flew.

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.

I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY.......

I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY AWAY!!!

Right over the handle bars.........

Trying to preserve my LIFE and whatever dignity I had left......I torqued my body and aimed my fall...towards the GRASS near the sidewalk area.

THANKFULLY.......and I do say THANKFULLY.....there was that GRASS......it could have easily been a COCONUT TREE...concrete planter pot....or street performer......but......THANK GOD for sweet grass.

My right outer thigh hit the curbside hard but the HOLIDAY BELLY and all my upper fixings......GRASS.

There I was sprawled out in shock on GODS GREEN EARTH.

I was alive.

No ..........I was not wishing to be dead.....because of embarrassment.

I mean sure when I think about all the hoots and hollers I got from passing motorists and score card wielding tourists!

But at the particular time.......I was to in shock to be embarrassed.....

I was surprised that I wasn't snapped in half like a brittle piece of dry wood.

I later informed my wife that I came to the realization that are two types of mammals that DO NOT belong on bicycles.

Myself....and circus bears.

Aww....who am I kidding......I am the only mammal who DOES NOT belong on a bicycle.

Til next time,

Big DADDY

TRICYCLE TRAINING: PART THREE

2007-09-11T19:39:00.001-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE

So there I was..........

Outta CONTROL heading down MONSARATT like a runaway freight train.

As I was racing towards my one on one meet and greet with the GRIM REAPER I recalled a similar situation that I was in...that also involved a STEEP ASS HILL.

I must have been in the 4th or 5th grade....

I was skating in a remote park.....in the mountain range opposite of the old KAILUA DRIVE IN THEATER.

Now for you young'ins out there when I say the word "SKATE".....I do not mean "SKATEBOARDING"....rather I mean....ROLLER SKATING...as in twirling DISCO ballz..tube tops..headbands...DOVE shorts..and skating rinks.

Now this particular park had a steep CONCRETE covered hill which led to the BASKETBALL courts below.

The CONCRETE was not smooth like a city sidewalk...instead it was roughed up with horizontal lines etched on the surface...I assume to create TRACTION....due to the rainfall in that area....as to protect against SLIPPERY WHEN WET fall on your ass situations.

As I skated along on the asphalt covered BASKETBALL courts it was not before long that I grew BORED.

I looked up at the CONCRETE HILL and in my child mind deduced...."Its not that BIG".

Of course when I was a few years younger...I was going to hike up the side of PUNCHBOWL with my sister Margaret.....WHY you ask??

Because we were to LAZY to wait for the BUS that would take us to our home in PAPAKOLEA.

So as you can see...My BIG.....in terms of SCALE......was not very...ACCURATE back then.....but...... that is neither here or there.

I climbed up the CONCRETE HILL.....actually I crawled up on the grass which lined up on either side of the concrete walkway.

As I reached the TOP.....I positioned myself to the STARTING POINT. "Yup....not that BIG..." I said to myself.....as I started my descent.

Big MISTAKE.

It was BIG....and friggin STEEP!!

I picked up some EXCESSIVE SPEED midway to the bottom.....and I PANICKED!!!

TOO FAST....TOO FAST......I recited over and over in my head.......

Now as you all know ROLLER SKATES don't have much of a BRAKING system.....its actually a piece of rubber you drag by tipping your SKATE at an angle....at this speed....I knew...it would do me NO good......I was gonna eat it!!

So what did I do....what FORCE....what POWER on EARTH could stop....or slow down my descent to certain DOOM.

If you guessed my ASS my friends......than you win a PRIZE!!

I bent my knees....into a SQUATTING position.

And proceeded to DROP my Chubby Boy Bottom on the concrete.

Part of my polyester gym shorts I was wearing disintegrated as it hit the CONCRETE...the other half...including my WHITIE TIGHTIES rushed into my ass crevice like a makeshift THONG.

My ASS brake.......gripped the rough CONCRETE......and I realized what it felt like to be spanked by a BELT SANDER.

I don't recommend it.

As my ass melted away like an eraser....I veered off course...and spilled out onto the wet grass....yelping in PAIN.

No one saw me....thankfully....so I crawled my STINGING ass up to the PARKING LOT.

I spent the rest of the evening......hiding.....sobbing in the backseat of my DADS car.....with a RAW bloody butt...torn underwear...lying on my side in a feeble position.

Not one of my finest moments.

Much like MONSARATT MOUNTAIN.

Like I said the REAR BRAKE LEVER was GONE.....nada NOTHING......

I rushed towards the THREE other officers....who already...began to brake........

I was on a collision course with them all...... much like a BOWLING BALL would be to pins.

The only option I could think of was to switch lanes.......and face ON COMING TRAFFIC.

And that's what I did......I switched over....into ON COMING TRAFFIC.

PHASE ONE COMPLETE.....I ROARED past the other OFFICERS...(who gave me inquisitive side glances) and thought of my next SUICIDAL OPTIONS.

Now I thought of several things......the first of which was....What can I CRASH into that wont kill me.......maybe something SEMI SOFT.....like a bush....preferably without thorns......but as I looked from side to side all I saw was.......stone walls.......curbs......chain linked fences....PARKED CARS.

There was nothing remotely SOFT to CRASH into...........(SOFT CRASH...he heh....that's funny.)

My POCHO brain looked for another alternative.....my FRONT BRAKES......GAD ZOOKS.....was it still working!?!

I looked at the BRAKE lever and I was about to COMPRESS it in my badly shaking PALM....when i was reminded of 2 numbers.........70 and 30.

70 and 30.

The percentage of your BRAKING power........30 to the BACK........70 to the front....you see.....like I said I remember the DARNDEST things....

At this speed.....hitting the FRONT BRAKE LEVER...would be...shall we say CATASTROPHIC.

With 70 percent of braking power.......by activating the FRONT LEVER....the tire would FREEZE UP......and I would FLY.......like a HUMAN CANNONBALL....face first over my handlebars.

But.....I was almost to the intersection........there was no other OPTION.....I had to try the FRONT BRAKE.

I looked at the BRAKE LEVER one more time.....and squeezed....

Perhaps a little to hard....because I felt my front end SWERVE dangerously.....and I almost lost control.

My heart nearly popped outta my throat with that move....but I knew this....the FRONT BRAKE STILL worked.

Now remember the BRAKE DRILL that required me to lift my ASS over the seat and hang it over a dangerously FAST moving tire...(Easter Egg DANGLE)..yeah that one....well....I did not feel entirely CONFIDENT using that move.

But what I did was lean as FAR back in my seat as I could.....creating as much weight as I could to the rear of my BIKE.

The intersection rush towards me.....seconds away......seconds away to be IMMORTALIZED by Oahu as the tortured spirit known as the MANGLED MOUNTAIN BIKE MAN OF MONSARRAT AVENUE.

Not gonna let that happen.

I looked at the FRONT BRAKE LEVER in desperation........and this time squeezed it......ever so gently...like cradling a birds egg....tender....like a lovers touch.....

The brake pad....nipped my tire.....creating a bit of traction......but not enough.....I squeezed once more.....carefully........

Not enough.........the intersection was only a few feet away.

I had the red.

Now.......besides GOD and my overworked guardian angel...others had a hand in my LIFE or DEATH moment.

The D-6 BICYCLE crew.

NEVER......EVER...make fun of those DAISY DUKE wearing COPS.....they are NO DOUBT top notch........as I zipped DOWN MONSARRAT....they actually over took me and set up at the intersection below......

They Blocked of CROSSING traffic which played a PIVOTAL role in preventing me from becoming a permanent HOOD ORNAMENT.

I weaved thru the intersection....past the blue and whites.....thanking GOD.....they were ASSIGNED to assist in helping to TRAIN us.......they could have easily been at a NICE PARADE...or a GOVERNMENT event....and that would have left me....well....meeting my MAKER perhaps.....

Thankfully.......or should I say MIRACULOUSLY...all the while I was in the ON COMING traffic lane......not ONE CAR came up on MONSARRAT.......NOT ONE!!

WHEW!!

I veered back into the correct lane of TRAVEL....white as a GHOST...but alive.

I gradually managed to slow down as the street leveled off and as the others FINALLY caught up to me I was referred to as "BAT OUTTA HELL" and "RUNAWAY ROCKET" by some of the OFFICERS.

With a NERVOUS laugh....I counted my lucky ass stars.

I survived.

I survived....the N BOX..obstacles courses.....psychotic DRILLS....the blistering long distance trips to Hawaii Kai.....the Steep HEART ATTACK HILLS of Hanauma Bay...and Papu Place......

5 LEG ACHING DAYS of HOT HAWAIIAN HEAT......but you know what.....looking back it was FRIGGIN FUN!!!

I got paid to HAVE FUN!!!

So what did I get outta this whole experience....other than a greater respect for the HPD BICYCLE DETAIL.

Well for starters I got these FASHIONABLE TAN LINES from my bicycle gloves.My Mother-in-law also baked me an GOOD JOB...CONGRADS... Apple Crisp Desert shaped like.....the infamous N BOX ....DELICIOUS!!!! THANKS DARYL!!!
And finally.... I received a CERTIFICATION and PIN of my week long training via HPD....I was now fully certified to PROTECT THE STREETS OF HAWAII....on a TRICYCLE!!

Of course there are no current SPOTS open on the BICYCLE DETAIL.....but when there is....I'm jumping on it.

I think I'll even have my own DRILL to teach to next group of trainees.

Before riding down each MOUNTAIN.....check your BRAKES...to see if it works.

I'll call it the CARAVALHO BRAKE CHECK.

That has a nice ring to it!

Til Next Time.......
(Providing my brakes work)

Big Daddy

TRICYCLE TRAINING: PART TWO

2007-08-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

Aloha Loyal Readers,

For those of you who wrote in a bit concerned.......this is not a GHOST WRITER writing in my behalf.

I initially started my last BLOG on MONSARATT......and I was literally KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKING on HEAVENS DOOR!!

I'll get back to that particular STORY in PART THREE.

But first, I wanted to write about some skills and drills that I learned throughout the week that, I felt, help preserve my life.

Now...every day we started off with classroom lectures.

One of our first VERY IMPORTANT LESSONS ..........was a WARNING to the MALES.

Apparently there is a NERVE near your BALLSAX that can be DAMAGED as you ride the bicycle that will cause ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. Now if this area is injured...yah know this nerve.....than its GAME OVER for the good ole BOLOGNY PONY.

Because its a NERVE TYPE damage...NO AMOUNT of VIAGRA will allow you to SPRING into action.

I remember going home that afternoon to the wifey and telling her about my day and I told her about this NERVE DAMAGE LECTURE.

She gets the stunned silent look on her face..............it was like she was trying to tell if I was pulling her leg.

When I told her it was true she said "WHAT!!........did all the guys RUN out the room screaming!!"

I said, "Uh...no"

"Are you gonna QUIT now!?" she asked

"What....NO." I answer.

"Your gonna RISK that.....just cause you wanna ride a BICYCLE!"

I got the feeling my WIFE did not like the idea of INJURY to my southern regions.
Confirmation of this CONCERN came several minutes later as she plopped down pages of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NERVE DAMAGE TO THE BALLS INFORMATION she discovered on the internet.

After my MANPON experience with the HPD issued BIKE SEAT I quickly had it replaced at EKI BICYCLE store......that was that nice 25.00 WIDE ASS gel covered seat I mentioned last BLOG. I figured it would be enough padding to protect my flesh covered MALT BALLS.

At least I hope it did.

Anyway..... there were 9 officers, (Including myself) that were taking this BICYCLE TRAINING CERTIFICATION CLASS.

The class was lead by a SGT. and he was assisted by the entire DISTRICT 6 BICYCLE DETAIL.
(There's about 8 guys in the DETAIL)

Let me take my HAT(or in my case HELMET) off to the DISTRICT 6 BICYCLE DETAIL.
Those guys were EXCELLENT, FRIENDLY, HELPFUL and very COOL.

They could have very well been laughing there asses off and teasing us MANY MANY times throughout the TRAINING......but they didn't.

If they weren't getting down and dirty by riding alongside us......over hills...and LOOOONG distances..they were driving in there patrol vehicles guarding us from CRAZY DRIVERS...or they would be ENCOURAGING us as we did our DRILLS.

Now the DRILLS folks....let me tell you about the DRILLS.

They were FRIGG'IN CRAZY.

Try taking a BIKE and peddle at a moderate speed and hop a curb than charge down a flight of STAIRS. It was those times my GEL SEAT came in REEEEEEEALLLLLL handy. Cause without the PAD it would have felt like MIKE TYSON doing a punishing workout on a SPEEDBAG.

We learned many interesting DISMOUNTS.........acrobatic moves that I didn't think would by HUMANLY possible for me to do. My favorite was the POWER SLIDE.

We learned DEFENSIVE tactics with the BICYCLES as well.

There's was this one particular move that reminded me of that one AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME video where that hunter approached this deer in the woods and it stood up on its hind legs and began to punch at him with its HOOVES.

Now imagine a suspect with a knife approach me....like the hunter in the movie.......well my BIKE would be like the DEER and it would rain HOOFS on his ass. That was fun to practice.

The not so FUN DRILL was the infamous N BOX DRILL pictured below.

This HELLISH CONED CONTRAPTION was my ACHILLES HEEL...or my KRYPTONITE.
I can't give you the dimensions of this outrageous OBSTACLE DRILL.....but it was TIGHT.

You have to enter this TIGHT SIZED area make CRAZY ASS sharp turns without losing control of your bike, without touching the cones, or without going out of the boundaries. (STAY WITHIN THE CONES!!)

Your peddling has to adjust to a FLUTTER type style....while using the brakes to keep yo from tipping over....

For me...it was the EQUIVALENT of trying to PAT my head and RUB my tummy.

The first DAY they made the N BOX BIGGER than they normally do. You know to make us confident and comfortable with the course.

By the end of the first day only 3 of us could not complete the N BOX without falling of our bike or running over a cone.

The second day.......only 1 of us could not complete the NBOX...guess who that was............THAT'S RIGHT........ YOURS TRULY.

We only had 2 days to catch onto the N BOX. But really if you added the time in those 2 days...it would barely equal 2 hours.

People.....my ass was just TO FRIGGIN BIG to make those turns. As it was.....some of the guys would walk up to me and say, " Uh... CARAVALHO....you look kinda HUGE on your BIKE....like your riding a tricycle."

That's how I felt.....TOP HEAVY.....as I tried to make those TRON...friggin 90 degree turns....my knees would knock the handle bars....and I would plow into a CONE...run out the boundaries...or fall off my BIKE......don't worry about injury LOYAL READERS....I would be going slow enough where I could brace my fall with my foot.

Wednesday we did not get a chance to practice the course.

When TEST DAY THURSDAY came around I was in PANIC MODE.

I put in MILES and MILES of peddling power in the HAWAIIAN HOT ASS HUMID SUNSHINE....and I would be defeated my 4 inch orange cones placed on asphalt.

HOLY MOSES SMELL THE ROSES!!

I couldn't leave with the SHAME!

But here I was...TEST DAY THURSDAY.....lined up.....with a SMALLER.....TIGHTER....NO BOX sweating BULLETS.

Now the test was setup in such a way that it was not a ONE TRY type of deal.....thank GOD for that.

Cause I would have been peddling my ASS back to the station and hope that no one would over hear my SOBS of despair!!

As the test started though it wasn't long before...I was the only person in the N BOX line.

Talk about spotlight ALL EYEZ ON ME type moment....I shudder at night thinking about the feeling.

There was a large crowd of OFFICERS watching me FAIL..time after time after time.
From the corner of my eye I saw the mood of the crowd change from YOU CAN DO IT encouragement....tired YAWNS.....talking story....leaving to use the BATHROOM....to what are we having for LUNCH conversations....to "I dunno..what do you wanna eat??" responses....to....lets go to ZIPPYS answers...to place your orders with me....than "I'm calling the orders in on my cell phone LAST CALL warnings....till FINALLY I ACTUALLY SEE THEM EATING FRICKIN ZIP PACKS watching me from the shade of a BANYAN TREE.

And did I complete the course yet??

Not even ONCE.

I felt a large LUMP in my throat....and fought back red hot tears...HOLY CRAP...I cannot go out like this!!

The bicycle SGT.......to his credit NEVER......NEVER..Eva...eva....eva..eva..eva..gave up on me!

He stood there in the BLAZING hot sun without eating....and kept verbally instructing me on how to turn...slash peddle...slash...how to keep my eye placement.

DESPITE his guidance....I could not DO IT!!

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGH it was one of the most frustrating times in my whole LIFE!!!

It was after the LUNCH when he told me relax and take a BREAK.
I sipped some Gatorade and felt like the 13th runner up on AMERICAN IDOL!!

I was going home.

It was at this particular moment I saw this SGT. go to his bag and pull out... what I refer to now as the GREATEST INVENTION KNOWN TO MAN.

A stick of CHALK.

The SGT. walked thru the N BOX hunched over and traced the exact route I needed to take.

When it was completed.......he waved me over.

"Caravalho....follow the CHALK LINE."

I nodded and entered the N BOX for the last and FINAL TIME.

Like a newly born FAWN testing his legs for the first time..concentrating....I wobbled my way....following the line...carefully...closely.......THROUGH THE ENTIRE COURSE.....it wasn't pretty folks....BUT I DID IT!!

UNREAL.

My cousin TERI put it to me BEST.

She informed me it was a POCHO THING!!

You can tell us....all you like......use all kine words......but if you want us PORTAGEES to do something.....we need a PICTURE!!!

Scary....but many times at least for me....its actually TRUE!

Now..... the more SCARY DRILLS we did were the BRAKING.......read this portion of the BLOG carefully cause it ties in with the MONSARRAT MOUNTIAN story.

The BICYCLE we use has 2 BRAKE LEVERS.

The RIGHT LEVER controls the REAR TIRE BRAKE and the LEFT LEVER controls the FRONT TIRE BRAKE.

Now I was never a GOOD STUDENT......primarily cause my mind wanders.....the teacher can be talking and my thoughts are elsewhere in another UNIVERSE!

But there are some KEY THINGS that I retain....for whatever the reason....it sticks to my BRAIN.....one of these FACTS..(besides the BALLSACK NERVE) was the BRAKE SYSTEM.

In a BICYCLE....70% of your braking POWER comes from the FRONT BRAKE..or left brake lever. The other 30% is in your REAR brake.

BRAKE DRILLS consisted of us peddling on a FLAT asphalt area at a HIGH rate of speed and BRAKING!!

To BRAKE correctly yo have to HIT the RIGHT LEVER...the rear brake......in a PANIC....people my fumble with the LEFT SIDE LEVER....which activates the FRONT BRAKE.....and if you do the 70....30....Math from above....it equals to you flying HEAD FIRST over you handles if done incorrectly.

Now to prevent such INJURY.......you know HEAD FIRST OVER HANDLE BARS....the drill consisted of a move that to me...would possibly lead to EQUAL if not greater injury.

Now look at this drawing of my ASS....see it's "just so juicy you wanna bite it curves"....nice.......ROUND....and in a comfortable seated position.
See....its how it should be....all NATURAL.

But to prevent the HEAD FIRST INJURY during the BRAKE DRILLS... you first....have to distribute your weight to the REAR of your bicycle.

And this my friends.....aint NATURAL.

First you gotta LIFT your JUNK.....up...and over your BIKE SEAT....this in itself was a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE for me to begin with.

First because my ASS is....well ...lets just say....it aint petite and it was very awkward and extremely difficult...to LIFT it over my thick GEL COVERED PADDED seat.

But like GI JOE once said...that was only half the BATTLE.

The other part.....the DANGEROUS PART was trying to keep your balance as your FUZZY EASTER EGGS dangle PERCARIOUSLY over a rapidly quick spinning rubber tire!!I was straining.......literally straining....to hold my HEAVY ASS up in the air......and to maintain proper BALANCE.

Because with one simple slip FOLKS...one slip..........IT WOULD BE FRIGGIN OVER.

Now for the BRAKE DRILLS we had to PEDDLE FAST towards a designated white line on the asphalt.....slide our butts over the seat.....hang our asses in the air....and dangle our MAN BERRYS over the tire......and finally....just before we reached the WHITE LINE....HIT THE BRAKES.

We did this BRAKE CHECK DRILL 3 times....first with the rear brake....than the front brake...and finally both brakes.

The D6 BICYCLE CREW lined up in 2 separate lines..(we had to aim our bikes between the 2 lines)....to prevent us from falling over....and / or plowing into the chain link fence that was a few feet from the WHITE LINE.

We took turns.....doing this drill....I watched as other... more courageous Officers.....STREAK across the asphalt terrain......just SMOKING along.....than......at the final moment....hit the brakes...and SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDD....leaving a black rubber mark on the street.
This made the real D6 BIKE OFFICERS get worked up in a FRENZY.....the daredevil moves would generate an array of HOOTS, HOLLERS, CHEERS, and BACK SLAPS!

But on my turn......my TURN TO RACE ACROSS THE LOT.

I moved like elderly woman with purple hair....driving herself to SUNDAY MORNING service....SLOW...........and at a TORTUROUS CRAWL......

I tried to give the illusion I was peddling fast....by switching the GEARS into a HIGH GEAR.....

By switching your GEARS into a HIGH gear....it makes the peddles spin fast....but in actuality your not really going anywhere....

It didn't really work......

As I peddled towards that WHITE LINE during the BRAKE DRILL..I gave my best impression of a SPEEDING bicyclist.

I huffed and puffed.....lifted my ASS....and dangled.....but the D6 BIKE BOYS were not FOOLED........because as I hit my BRAKES......there was no SKID!

In fact..... I just came to a SLUGGLISH.....deliberate HALT.... several feet from the WHITE LINE.

Hey....call me what you like..... but I aint risking my BOUNCING BALD HEADED BOYS for NO ONE....NO ONE....I TELL YOU!!

Til next time,
Big Daddy

TRICYCLE TRAINING: PART ONE

2007-08-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

I straddled my H.P.D. TRAINING BICYCLE trying desperately to catch my breath. The 18-20 mile journey that stretched from THE MAIN POLICE STATION TO HAWAII KAI had taken its toll on my body.

I was exhausted.

I backed the bicycle up to share some shade with fellow OFFICERS by the bus stop on the top of MONSARRAT, near K.C.C.

The scorching afternoon Sun had already begun to dry my sweat soaked t-shirt.

My upper legs BURNED OUT OF CONTROL as if I had just participated in a THIGH MASTER COMPETITION against Suzanne Somers on CRACK.

"Okay" .... boomed my Bicycle training Sargent. "That’s enough of a break.....we don’t want are legs to get cold."

Taking a swig of my LUKE WARM bottled water and shaking my weary head I couldn’t help but chuckle sarcastically at the IRONY of his words.

Slowly, myself, as well as 8 other OFFICERS training for the HONOLULU POLICE DEPARTMENT BICYCLE CERTIFICATION filed in formation.

"Okay will be heading downhill on Monsarrat.....BE VERY CAREFUL" the SARGENT warned, "You will be reaching speeds of about 30 to 35 miles per hour."

30 to 35, I thought, that doesn’t seem to fast.

I repositioned my ass on my LARGE GEL COVERED DOUBLE CUSHION $25.00 bicycle seat.

I stretched my gloved covered hands which were cramped, numb and sore from hours of handle bar gripping.

I slowly peddled my way to the crest of the MONSARRAT MOUNTAIN trailing behind three other OFFICERS.

Getting to the area....just before the decline... I felt like a SOLDIER waiting to PARACHUTE down into a HOT enemy infested landing zone .

I watched in anticipation as the 3 officers before me began their descent.

I paused on the edge and looked down.

Okay....its my turn....

I readjusted my helmet checked the strap and gripped my handle bars tightly.

"GO.....GO.....GO!" screamed my SARGENT in an irritated tone.

Hearing the multiple squeaks of brakes behind me I realized I was creating a CYCLE traffic JAM and quickly realized the eager impatient OFFICERS in line behind were equally irritated with me.

I quickly peddled for a few feet.............and let GRAVITY do the rest.

WHOOSH

10.......11........12.......15 MPH.

This is not so bad......

16...17....18....

Whoa NELLY I'm really picking up some speed now...

18 1/2...................19...............

From the left corner of my eye I see a younger fellow officer....attempting to over take me......

It was ROBERT.....

Now that particular officer was doing this OVERTAKING thingee ALL WEEK.......
WTF

What just because your TWENTY....you find it necessary to OVERTAKE the THIRTY YEAR OLDS?

Crouching lower on his Bicycle, ROBERT, peddled right past me, cutting right in front of me......forgetting all of his BICYCLE ETIQUETTE by not informing me.. ON YOUR LEFT

WTF

Okay young GUN.....lets see what you got.

I leaned forward...I tucked my 230 pound frame closer to the bicycle to lower my WIND RESISTANCE......and proceeded to peddle faster.

19.......................................19 1/2........................20..............21 MPH.

ROBERT had gained about a 15 yard lead......but I was slowly gaining............

21..............................21 1/2.........................22..................23............23 ½........

I was flying now.........despite this.....ROBERT still was in the lead.

23 1/2..........24.......................................................................................24 ½.....

I could feel that the HILL was at its steepest......trees.....houses....parked cars.......roared past me.....

24...............................................................25......................................................26.............

CRAP I wasn’t gonna catch him....ROBERT was still about 10 yards in front of me........and we were nearing the first lighted intersection on MONSARRAT.

26..............................................................26 1/2.............................................27...................

Oh well........I thought......I lost the battle of my PRIDE...........but that’s okay.....another time perhaps.......better start pumping my rear brakes.

27.............................................................27 1/2.............................................28...................

Tapping my rear brakes softly......I felt no resistance grabbing at my rear tire.........

Hmmmm.......that’s interesting.....I thought curiously........perhaps I did not SQUEEZE the lever hard enough.

With only a slight sense of URGENCY I clamped down firmly on the BRAKE LEVER and in seconds I realized I had SQUEEZED it to its MAXIMUM level.

28...................................28 1/2......29..........30...........31...............32.................33......34............

HOLY SHIT

I was on a STEEP RUNAWAY RIDE down MONSARRAT.....with no BRAKES......towards a busy intersection........with nothing to protect me but spandex shorts and a MADE IN TAIWAN plastic bicycle HELMET........

I was gonna DIE

But......heck LOYAL READERS......I was already having a UNLUCKY week to began with.

It all started about several months ago.

I received an INTER-DEPARTMENTAL E-MAIL from our Lieutenant informing ALL THIRD WATCH OFFICERS that in the month of AUGUST a BICYCLE CERTIFICATION CLASS would be offered to any personnel that was interested.

Years before......in the ROOKIE years of my career....I was interested in taking this week long course.

Not wanting to go alone I asked my POLICE ACADEMY classmate ROM to sign up with me.

He declined....saying he wasn't interested.

I didn't sign up either.

I stayed at C.R.D. (THE INFAMOUS CELLBLOCK) for a little while after that.....and made my way to District 7 PATROL...in Hawaii Kai.....

No sooner did I do this ROM....that bastard...transfers to D-1.......and signs up for the BICYCLE DETAIL.....and stayed on for about 2 years.

I missed the boat back than......and despite being a little older.....not as spry......a bit gray on the temples.....I wanted to give it a shot.

I still wanted to see who else was interested in going......just so I wouldn’t be alone.

When I had some time......I was gonna ask some of my co-workers if they were interested in going with me.

On the same day I received the EMAIL.........I was patrolling in WAIKIKI...and a beat partner pulled over a traffic violator.

52... I informed dispatch over the radio, ... yeah I got 54's cover.

I proceed to 54's location and no sooner did I pull up behind the OFFICER.......I spot SGT. HARDCASE in his patrol car pulling in behind me.

I believe I mentioned SGT. HARDCASE in my earlier BLOGS.

SGT. HARDCASE.....is abit stern and ruff around the edges.
When he talks to you........it some times feels like you are a suspect being interrogated in one of those cramped SQUAD rooms and the light of the desk lamp is being used to illuminate your GUILTY sweaty face.

When I first came to Waikiki....I actually wanted to transfer out fearing working with SGT. HARDCASE.

But what I later learned is that he has the PEOPLE SKILLS much like DOG the BOUNTY HUNTER.

You know....YELL.....YELL.......than with a turn of the switch he makes.... NICE.................NICE. (If you seen an episode of th DOG you'll know what I mean.)

Despite......his GRUFF style.......underneath......he's actually a warm...friendly guy.....who means well.

I like the BIG GUY....he has actually grown on me.

SGT. HARDCASE waves me over to his vehicle.

I walk over and find him fumbling thru some paperwork. He has got his trademark large
MAFIA type shades on...........its these shades he CONSTANTLY wears 24 and 7......no matter where or when......he has got them on.......during roll call in the squad room.......driving day or night.......indoors at the substation........or while using the restroom.

Its like his BATMANS MASK conceal his secret identity.

"Whats up SARGE?" I ask with a grin.

"Hey CARAVALHO.....you get the EMAIL from the LT?" he asks in his rough voice.

I play dumb and respond, "Uh....no......which one is that??"

"For the BICYCLE training class.." he informs me. "You gonna sign up for it?"

"Uhh....actually.........but I....."

Sgt HARD CASE cuts me off in mid sentence... "Chris....you gotta.....take advantage of these opportunities that come your way.....you should take it......back in my day we didn’t have stuff like this.....in fact when I was a rook......"

SGT. HARD CASE rambles on a tangent type story.........I listen....grinning widely.

SGT. HARDCASE is also called THE RAMBLER..........not by me....but some officers and supervisors nicknamed him that because he has ability to ramble on and on for hours........

It doesn’t bother me at all.....I like his stories.....but it sometimes can be a problem.

The problem exists is when dispatch tries to call you over the radio for a triple HOMICIDE in progress type case.....and your caught mid story with SGT. HARDCASE.
I hate to interrupt people when they talk.......but sometimes you gotta CUT EM OFF.

The officer and the traffic violator had long gone....and we.......me and SGT. HARDCASE remained in the left lane on KALAKAUA AVENUE.....lights flashing.....blocking rush hour traffic.

It took him awhile to realize the backlog of traffic our vehicles were creating...but he finally begins to pull back into traffic......

"Uhh....so yeah..like I was saying..you should take the class.." he points at me with a single finger.

With that little gesture he drives away.

The very next day I walk into the crowded squad room and make my way to a chair in the rear seat of the LINE UP ROOM.

After ROLL CALL is taken the Lieutenant asks if everyone received her EMAIL about the bicycle training.

"So if anyone is interested......please let me know?" she asks.

"CARAVALHO is interested" SGT HARDCASE blurts out.

The entire THIRD WATCH looks back at me curiously...waiting for a response.

A warm blush of red rushes to my face.

"Uhhh......" I manage to say with the intellect of a brain damaged monkey.

Field crickets played in unison in the silent squad room.

Not wanting to be on the spot any further....I sheepishly nod my head in agreement.

And that.....as the say ladies and germs......was that.

As weeks passed a couple of things happened.

More and more THIRD WATCH officers began to sign up for the class.

You see...it was initially thought that the BICYCLE training was open to all/everyone who wanted to take it.

It was later confirmed by our COMMAND that was not the case.

There were only 5 spots open for the class.

The LT. sent out EMAILS to all officers informing many of them that they could NOT take the class.

Now in most cases.......schedule changes.......changing of beats of sectors....choosing your vacation month...is done by what is called DISTRICT SENIORITY.

DISTRICT SENIORITY means....whoever has the most time in that certain DISTRICT...has first DIBS at a lot of opportunities.

So despite me having almost 10 years.....a JOE BLOW rookie...with not more than a year could have first choice at a certain thing.....because he has more DAYS in the District than me......

Pretty Strange but.....that’s how things GO.

Anyway.......a lot of people who had signed up after me had DISTRICT SENIORITY over me....and were rejected from taking the BICYCLE CLASS.

The LT. explained that it was a FIRST COME FIRST SERVE BASIS.

Needless to say......I am very sure it left a lot of SALTY feelings with the OFFICERS I beat out......

Yah know me being first to sign up and all.

The list of OFFICERS that did sign up were from the SECTOR that I primarily work with.

Unfortunately these group of GUYS are a TIGHT unit and often I feel like a GHOST.....in their presence.

I can show up to a case......and all of their words they speak to me COMBINED....barely finishes one sentence.

I really don't understand their COLD SHOULDER type nature.....I'm a pretty easy natured guy...but it seems if you don't meet their requirements as an OFFICER...you are not allowed in the CLUB.

Anyway, as the time for the BICYCLE TRAINING approached we were informed that we would have to have supply our own BICYCLE and equipment for the CLASS.

Fortunately for me I still have my Brother Robbs MOUNTAIN bike he gave me years ago.

To prepare myself for the BICYCLE CLASS I did some training.

I hit the streets with my old BIKE and newly purchased oversized TAIWAN made bicycle helmet.

As I peddled the crime ridden streets of Kalihi I quickly realized I stood out like a sore thumb.

There are many PEOPLE in Kalihi who do in fact ride bicycles in Kalihi..(most of which look suspicious to me with my COP GOGGLES on ) but NONE......and I mean NONE of them wear plastic BICYCLE helmets.

Chronic druggie looking bicyclists would look at ME with suspicious cocked eye brows wondering if I had a SPECIAL NEEDS and had escaped from one of the many CARE HOMES in Kalihi.

I wore the HELMET once in training and never wore it again. I just felt too DORKY.

I primarily stayed on the sidewalks but soon became VERY frustrated of all the STOP and GO intersection light traffic.

I was to CHICKEN to peddle my fat ass on the busy streets.

Wanting a change of scenery I took to the hills of KALIHI and quickly learned (by not being able to peddle even halfway up the hill) ......that my GEARS did not work.

They were BUSTED.

So the very next day I took the bicycle into EKI CYCLERY to have it checked it out.
After the worker checked over my bike a reasonable fixing/TUNE UP price was given....but the only problem was that they were back logged and informed me that it may take 1-2 weeks.

CRAP

It was already AUGUST and I only rode the DANG bike a few times......I had visions of me being out of shape and under prepared for the BICYCLE CLASS.....I also had visions of my under developed saddle sore ass needing ADVIL and handfuls of TIGER BALM.

Not having any other options I agreed to the price and time duration of my Bike TUNE UP.

I hoped that my every other day JOGS of a mile and a half would be enough to keep me fit and ready.

Yeah right.

Anyway a week and a half before the training I received a phone call from one of the ICE U OUT club members.

He informed me the SGT. in charge wanted to know if I wanted to join them on a PRE-BIKE RIDE. He didn’t inform me where or any further details.....but said to call back.

I had a busy weekend and did not call em.

The next MONDAY we had recall training back at the POLICE ACADEMY.

Recall training is a basically a once a year review your POLICE SKILLS 3 day event(driving...shooting..arrest tactics....law changes) that all OFFICERS must attend...you know so if we ever get into TROUBLE our bosses can say "....he was supposed to know that....he was trained to do it THIS WAY.......SEND EM TO FEDERAL PRISON."

As am sitting outside waiting for the first class to start....I see all the officers.....the ICE CLUB....riding around on POLICE ISSUED BICYCLES......

WTF??

Uhh....nobody said about getting police bikes.

As they rode around joking and laughing...NOT A SINGLE ONE SAID anything to me.

SHEESH Talk about OUTCAST

It was only in the afternoon that a SGT. said "...we tried calling you to come get a BIKE."

Yeah right

I got one call....ONE CALL....no one said anything about getting POLICE BIKES

The ICE CLUB had planned to ride MONDAY WEDNESDAY and FRIDAY.

During one of the breaks I approached the SGT. in charge of the BICYCLE training.

I asked if I could get one too.

He told me one was set aside for me but I would have to pick it up.

After class I rushed to WAIKIKI and got it from storage.

I missed MONDAYS ride but caught up with them on WEDNESDAYS ride.

On WEDNESDAY after class we met in the parking lot of the academy.
The ICE CLUB joked and laughed and rode around on the hot afternoon asphalt.
I stood there amongst them...amazed at my super powers of invisibility.

Soon we made are way to the BIKE PATH that runs from WAIPAHU.....thru PEARL city.

It is a very interesting BIKE PATH....with an assortment of CHARACTERS who dwell in the bushes and back alleys of the area.

If I was a female jogger....I would never...EVER...wander back there. Even if I had a PLUS SIZED canister of Pepper spray, two rottweilers, and a cellphone with a speed dial line to the POLICE.

Its friggin SHADY.

I kept pace most of the way not really getting tired.

As we neared the ALOHA STADIUM the bike path began to come to a steep incline.
I feel my legs burn as I peddle down HARD.

I stand up of my seat and continue to struggle.....I quickly deduce that know would be an appropriate time to CHANGE GEARS.

I switch the gear lever and simultaneously thrust my peddle down once more.

SNAAAAAAAAAAAAP

I feel a strain type tension on the bottom of my bike and feel a metal object whip at my legs.

The chain BROKE in half.

SHIT

I veered off to the side and informed my SGT.

The SARGE begins to assist me.

I feel very embarrassed at the time.

The ICE CLUB is grouped together like cattle a few feet in front of me.

It was at this time I expected a wisecrack......or some time of humourous joke......but to my amazement.....................NOTHING........not a damn word.

Its like I didn’t even exist.

HOLY CRAP.....what the fuck did I do to them.....piss in their CHEERIOS

Unbelievable.
It took several LONG minutes for the SGT. to repair the chain and we were once again on our way.

I did not even TOUCH THE GEAR LEVERS after that.

Our first break was at a 7-11 near the NAVY EXCHANGE.

I refilled my liquids and waited patiently on my UNCOMFORTABLE stone hard police bicycle seat.

It only covered 1/4 of my ass.

I referred the medieval torture device as THE MANPON...for its ability to wedge deeply into my butt crevice creating all sorts of pain and discomfort.

GOOD GRAVY

Another officer....slightly on the chubby side....came out munching on a musubi.

The ICE CLUB quickly cracked jokes about his choice of ENERGY FOOD.

Several moments later we were back on the bike trail heading back to our original destination.

Minutes into the ride.......the ICE CLUB.....began to over take me......flying by me like I was standing still.

I found it quite interesting almost alarm because...they were all peddling just as fast as me.....but I was falling behind.

WTF

Not only that but...I was getting TIRED....not just tired but EXHAUSTED....my heart hammered in my chest...I was out of breath....my lungs burned....and I felt light headed.
I continued to peddle hard......but I still fell further and further back.

What was wrong with ME?? Was I really that out of shape??

I realized the only member of the ICE CLUB who hadn’t overtaken me was MUSUBIMAN.

No sooner did I come to this realization I saw him from on the corner of my eye.....peddling like he was in a parade.

SLOW and EASY.

This is madness....I thought as he paced alongside me with little or no effort.

MUSUBIMAN asked me a question....but because my brain was starved from lack of oxygen intake ...I couldn’t understand what he was saying.......all I saw was his lips moving....and a grain of rice still sticking to the corner of his face.

How.........how...can you....still talk?? I huffed.

He said another inaudible sentence and proceeded to peddle on leaving me to eat his dust.

I finally managed to make it back to the POLICE ACADEMY parking lot....and I quickly scanned the grounds for......an AMBULANCE or at the very least an unattended green canister of pure oxygen.

NO JOKE....I was winded.

The others were all but loaded into their cars ready to leave.

I peddled....more like wove.....toward one of the Officers and managed to ask.....without fainting or vomiting....... the time and location for the next PRE BICYCLE CLASS ride.

The ICE CLUB member gave up the information.....with slight hesitation.

This Officer turned to walk away but paused looking at my front tire.

Hey your front tire looks flat. he says pointing down.

Half dead and draped on my bicycle I weakly look in the direction of his observation.

The front tire was indeed FLAT.

I had been riding on a FLAT for about 8 miles........

Lord HELP ME

BROKEN CHAINS......FLAT TIRES...........The class had not even officially started and I was already regretting my decision in signing up.

This was gonna be one LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG week.

Till next time,
Big Daddy

MAMA SAID WRITE A BLOG!!

2007-07-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yo Loyal Readers,

I know....I know.....its been awhile......

You know how I know this.........

My Mommy keeps leaving me messages...by phone and EMAIL...to write a NEW BLOG!!!

Whew!!

A lot has happened since I last checked in......too much for 1 simple BLOG.

The summer has been HOT and LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

The kiddies finished up their ART CLASSES at the ACADEMY of ARTS school.

Although Kinohi had an enjoyable experience, Ka'ili, on the other hand had daily RUN-IN's with bullies.

While Kinohi was collecting EMAIL address's from her girlfriends...Ka'ili was being called..."BEAVER....BUCKTOOTH BOY...SQUIRREL...and CHIPMUNK."

Now my boy has a SERIOUS OVERBITE....theres no denying it.

As he would come home with his TALES of VERBAL TORTURE I would inform him....your teeth is temporary....but those little BULLIES ugly HEARTS are forever.

Now....dealing with bullies...is a part of life.

For myself....I was a BULLY at one time....I was also on the recieveing END of several BULLLIES in my YOUTH.

Now the way I dealt with these situations were different.

One one occasion....this one BULLY would constantly PUNCH me on the arm.....

For no reason.....no warning....just for KICKS.

I would be walking DOWN the hallway of school and ...........KA-POW.

Now being new to the school...and a bit timid....I really didn't know what to do.

After several WEEKS....maybe even MONTHS....I finally struck back...!!

As I was walking in the CLASSROOM....here he came....with a solid WIND UP!! cranking me in the arm!!

What I did next shocked this HAWAIIAN LOCAL BOY.....I socked him right back..in his ARM.....HARD!!

Now.....it didn't start a BRAWL.....but from than on, he knew I didnt like to be punched and that I would PUNCH BACK.....from that POINT on he did not HIT ME AGAIN. In fact......later...we became good friends.

Another BULLY would pretty much do the same thing.....but I didnt use BODILY FORCE on him....I used VERBAL QUICKNESS.....I cut him down in front of an entire CLASS.

The CUTDOWN left him speechless and the CLASS laughing at him.

I ended up being friends with that bully as well.

Now for my SON.....I can't tell him to use force on a BULLY....

My boy is built like a SCARECROW....a lite tradewind would TOPPLE him over much like a TUMBLEWEED.

Nor can I tell him to use an arsenal of WITTY COMEBACKS and or CUTDOWNS......as is....the boy needs to walk around with SUBTITLES when he TALKS.

So I taught my boy the BULLY TOOLS OF SURVIVAL.

My bully tools of SURVIVAL are simple.

1. If hit/teased/ or threatened by a BULLY.....try to IGNORE him/her..
if thats not working..... inform him/her to STOP IT and that you dont like what he/she did.

2. If #1 does not work ..... put on your RAT ears and tail and inform the TEACHER of what occured.

3. If this still does not work.....inform your BODYGUARD.....AKA:YOUR DADDY.

Now some of you LOYAL readers...may disagree...with a PARENT getting involved....saying...

"Your to OVER PROTECTIVE!" or "They gotta DEAL with it on there OWN!!"

"Your spawn are sheltered...hermit ....CHILDREN OF THE CORN...psychotic HOMESCHOOLED BRATS!!"

Uhhh....maybe not the last part....but you get my DRIFT.

But when your KID comes home with scratches to their NECK...with no explanation from the TEACHER...your PARENTAL sense of PROTECTION....will KICK in!!

It was the LAST day of ARTSCHOOL Ka'ili did not want to go. The day before.....a BULLY....choked his neck leaving a mark.

I told him...."Oh no...your gonna go.....your BODYGUARD is coming with you."

My wife was all set to write a LETTER which informed the ART ACADEMY that she was disappointed in their CLASSROOM CONTROL.

Motherly LOVE.

This was no time for DIPLOMACY...this was a TIME OF ACTION.

DADDY ACTION!!

So the LAST DAY arrived and my son was very excitied to have my services for the day.

"Dad you are staying with me right?" he asked with concern.

I informed my boy....that I was NOT gonna spend the day with him....but instead I wanted to speak with the BULLY.

With my hat, shades, and tank top to expose my DOUBLE BARRELL BICEP GUNS....my son escorted me to the outside of the ART ACADEMY where his class would line up daily every morning.

When I arrived with my son...it appeared to me the entire class was there.

I scanned the LINE and tried to get a SENSE of the PERP.

Grunting...I asked my boy...."Which one is he?"

Now years ago....I was in a SIMILIAR situation with my younger brother JOEY.

We were playing video games at the WAKIKI FUN FACTORY and a BULLY took his TOKENS.

"Which one is he?" I had asked my baby brother.

"Him...over there." he pointed.

I approached this bully...and I said, "Eh you took my brothers COINS...I want em BACK!!" Now I made him tear up ,shit his pants and mangaged to get the TOKENS back.

But the bullys demeanor when I did this struck me as ODD!

As I gave the TOKENS back to my baby brother...I ask ,"Eh was that the guy that took your coins?"

My brother looks at the direction I am pointing and sees the tramatized kid I just strong armed.

"I think it was him....I dunno." he snatches the coins from my hands and merrily skips away.

..............................uh................................

So it was with GREAT care (from personal EXPERIENCE) that I gain the CORRECT IDENTITY of the BULLY.

"Which one is he?" I ask me son, scanning the line like a hungrey predator.

From the corner of my eye I see 2 boys whisper at each other and quickly head indoors.

I turn to my son and ask, "Was that one of them?"

"Uhh...I dont think so....its okay Dad." he says nervously.

"Hey its not okay....are you lieing to me...was that one of them?" I ask sternly.

He shakes his head...NO.

Ka'ili looks up and points to the DOORWAY. "There thats him."

A short stocky asian boy with braces strolls out the building heading straight towards us.

With his spiky highlight hair, nice clothes, and cocky swagger....I knew that I could reason with him.

If this kid was HOOD..yah know a HOUSING type kid..he wouldnt care what I said to him...in FACT....by the end of the day his entire family would probably be waiting to beat my ASS in the parking lot if I had a CHAT with him.

I elbow my son and ask, "Whats his name?"

"Roy." he whispers.

As the boy appraoched I ask him, "Hey whats your name?"

He looks at me than at Ka'ili and says cautiously, "Uhh...Roy."

TARGET AQUIRRED

"Well Roy.....Ka'ili says you got a little RUFF with him yesterday...you choked and scratched him." I said.

I place my hand gently on the boys shoulder and add, "Lets say....I squeeze your neck...as hard as I could....and you can't stop me cause I'm bigger and stronger than you...would that be right?"

He shakes his head NO.

"No that wouldnt be right....thats just being a BULLY......and ROY.....I hate bullies........in fact...
I CRUSH BULLIES."

Roy looks around hoping that the EARTH will swallow him whole.

I place my free hand on Ka'ili's shoulder..."Now...this is my SON...and he happens to be a real COOL dude....so can you not touch him again....can you help me out and NOT do that again?"

Roy says, "Uh...yes."

"Thats a good boy.."I say patting the bully on the shoulder.."Thank you!"

I give a thumbs up to my boy and add, "Now wheres your teacher?"

Ka'ili leads me to the classroom where his art teacher, a tiny petite filipino girl is prepping for class.

"There she is......are you going to crush her?" he asks.

The young teacher looks up and gives me a supicious look.

"Just wait outside son." I said.

Ka'ili scurries away and closes the door behind him.

"May I help you." asks the teacher.

I approach her and extend my hand, "Hi my name is Chris....and I'm Ka'ili's DAD."

I cut to the chase and say.."My son has been telling me that he is being teased and picked on in class."

"Uhh...yes....but I already had a talk with the kids about that." she explains.

I nod and add, "Teasing...is teasing....kids do it all the time...I get that...but what I dont like is my son getting choked and scratch in the neck..and not being told about it."

The teacher gets a non sincere suprised look and says, "Uuuh....I was not aware...that happened." A small blonde girl who possible was helping with the PREPWORK pops outta nowhere and chirps in, "Yeah..Roy choked Ka'ili...yesterday...he told Miss MERRIL."

The teachers eyes become as big as plates and she casually pushes the girl behind her and gives the small INFORMANT a "Your NOT helping me here...shut your PIEHOLE" type look.

I shake my head and add, "I know its the last day and all but I just wanted to let you know."

"I'm sorry sir.....I'll talk to the boy." she adds.

"No need....I already did." I inform her. "Thanks for your time."

I step out the classroom door and see my son waiting outside.

I give him another THUMBS UP and tell em, "Dont worry...no one is gonna pick on you today!"

No one bothered him the whole day. In fact when we picked him up he said he had the BEST DAY EVER.

So when I am not scaring children.....I still patrol the streets.

Work has been busy....summer months and all.

My comfort level here is getting better I manage to get by.

I have my OFF days though.

Days I would rather be HOME in bed.

Days like when my mind wanders....and I find myself driving my PATROL CAR towards my house in KALIHI.

Or like days I have to play HUMAN roadblock to suicidal males who want to jump over their balcony.

Or when I walk across the street...not in a designated crosswalk...and some disgruntal person screams..."JAYWALKING....that COP is JAYWALKING!!"

That incident happens from time to time.

Most recently I tried to redeem my traffic infraction...after jaywalking....I jumped in my PATROL CAR and drove around the BLOCK.

As I am driving MAUKA bound on SARATOGA I notice a large male waiting to cross the street...in a designated crosswalk.

I slow my vehicle to a stop and WAVE the male to proceed.

TIME TO FIX MY TRAFFIC VIOLATING KARMA....balance in the UNIVERSE will now be restored.

The large male....who I see is SAMOAN...flashes me a FRIENDLY grin...and wiggles me a finger squirmy " THANK YOU" type wave.....as he approaches the HOOD of my vehicle...it is only than I notice...

It's BANANA FINGERS!!
(REFER TO FORMER BLOG.)

I quickly pull down my SUN VISOR and sit up in my chair.....I press my skull HARD to the interior roof of my CAR...to hide my features...much like DINO does in FRED FLINSTONES car when they are at the DRIVE IN.

"Please GOD".....I prayed..squinting my eyes closed...."Don't let him recognize ME!!"

My prayers are answered...before he manages to make it to the otherside...I'm screeching my way EASTBOUND on KALAKAUA.

See...I told you before.....I manage to get by.

And one thing you gotta know about me is my superior INVESTIGATIVE SKILLS!!

I think I'm ready to be a DETECTIVE.

The CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIVE DETAIL houses the islands detectives of Honolulu. Every 3 to 6 months an Officer from each district is taken from PATROL WORK and is voluntary/mandatorly assigned to work upstairs at C.I.D..

Our new Lt. brought it to are attention in LINE UP the other day that the will be assigning some one from our watch.

She first asked for volunteers.

Not a soul raised there hand.

This is for 2 reasons.

Detective work is considered very HARD. There is a LOT of running around.....doing follow-ups....correcting paperwork.....making a nice/tidy case for the PROSECUTORS.
If you have a what they call a LOCK-UP.(A suspect in custody) You have a 48 hour time limit to get the PAPERWORK...PERFECT and all in order.

This is a CIVIL RIGHTS issue....you can't go over 48 hours for a LOCK-UP....you either have to CHARGE or RELEASE them within that time FRAME.

The second issue of not wanting to be assigned to C.I.D. is the GOD awful hours!!

First watch hours....which are 11:00pm thru 06:00pm.
This hours are NOT set....if you have a CASE you HAVE to stay late for.....say GOOD BYE TO SLEEP.

So without a hand raised....and no Officer CRAZY enough to sign up for DICK work...the LT. is left to MANDATORY/VOLUNTEER someone. Maybe she will throw our names in a HAT or something.

If I am that someone let me describe my formidabile DECTECTIVE skills.

A couple of months I caught a late case.

A brawl happening in BURGER KING in WAIKIKI.

As I am driving to the location dispatch informs me of the URGENCY of the fight saying..."Second caller is relating...it's getting out of HAND."

I pull up FIRST on scene.

The first part of being a great DETECTIVE is using your POWERS of OBSERVATION.

What I see as I open the swinging glass doors of BURGER KING is a crowd of startled sunburnt TOURISTS....they silently point me in the direction of the CHAOS.

As I push my way past the crowd I hear grunts... cursing...and the sounds of a STRUGGLE.

Looking on the dirty brick colored tile I see two males WRESTLING on the ground fronting the cash registers.

It was not so much a WRESTLING match......more like a RODEO.

Let me explain......there was a scrawny, skinny, pale faced Haole visitor wrapped tightly around a LARGE hawaiian polynesian male.

His frail thin arms and legs looked much like a white jump rope trying to restrain a RAGING bull. The poor boy was trying despartly to HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

There was one employee a small filipino boy standing over the action.

I walk over and ask a question every good INVESTIGATOR should ask........

"Whos the BAD GUY?"

The filipino boy stares at me looking dumbfounded. What.....did he not hear the question....So I ask the again....

"Whos the BAD GUY?"

He continues to stare at me blankly and points in direction of the furious POLYNESIAN male......

What.....the criminal could have easy been the WHITE 50 pounds soaking wet MALE......maybe he wanted MORE HAWAIIAN LAND.......I dunno.

Anyway....I spring into action..... peel the frightened haole boy off of the MOKE and manage to handcuff the suspect.

Imagine that.

Imagine me as a DECTECTIVE........

With my..."So Uhhhhh....whos the BAD GUY" type investigation.

Imagine at my first trial and the defense attorney asks me on the stand....

"So DETECTIVE CARAVALHO you charged my client with a TRIPLE HOMICIDE....but where is the PROOF...where is the EVIDENCE???"

I would tap the microphone, clear my throat and calmly say,.."Uhhhh...there is none."

The ripple of gasps, shaking heads, and sparatic disbelief conversation would spread throughout the COURTROOM and the judge would POUND his gavil screaming.."ORDER...ORDER....I NEED ORDER."

When order is finally restored the Defense Attorny would continue, "NO PROOF....NO EVIDENCE.....than on WHAT GROUNDS DECTECTIVE CARAVALHO do you have to CHARGE my client with a TRIPLE HOMICIDE!!"

I would shrug my shoulders and lean into the microphone and say, "Well sir....when I arrived on the scene...I asked..."WHOS THE BAD GUY"...and someone pointed to your CLIENT."

...................................................................................................

God help us......if I get chosen to go UPSTAIRS to C.I.D..

Til next time,

Big Daddy

I realize I cant be by my kids side 24/7. So I can only give them the tools to survive.

MORE DRAMA

2007-06-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Hello yet again LOYAL READERS,

A wha..wha....another BLOG....

Thats right FOLKS.....no need to adjust your MONITORS...or panties.....

I had a 5 day work week this week..so I'm abit worn...abit tired......but THANKFULLY I had no felony arrests that kept me working OVERTIME til 5 in the morning.

Aint nothing like starting a work week with a DISORDERLY thats been blasted with PEPPER SPRAY.....and it actually working.

The lucky suspect......lets call em OPI....has been a thorn in our side for weeks now.

About a month ago I was sitting in my PATROL car.....trying to catch up with the wonderful PAPERWORK.

I hear a call in my sector about a male smoking on the property of the WAIKIKI TRADE CENTER and not wanting to leave.

Getting males/females to MOVE ALONG is a very common case in WAIKIKI

My old CRD buddy WAYNE...takes the case.

I think about going to assist him....but figure....heck....he can tell someone to BEAT IT all by himself. So I continue to write up my report.

Several minutes later....I get a call over the RADIO....."Uh...Chris are you BUSY?" comes the hesitant voice of WAYNE.

I pick up the radio and say, "No....you need something?"

Wayne asks politely, "Yes can you come assist me....this guy is being stubborn."

I drop my work and ZIP on down there. I figure WAYNE must be in some kind if JAM cause he doesnt normally ask for HELP.

I get there and my friend YOSH has beat me 2 the scene. YOSH is about roughly the same heigh and weight and he has helped ME in some very dramitic TAKEDOWNS at CRD.....

OPI is about 180 but 6'1 or so.....with a reddish AFRO. When I see him I recall dealing with him on a building FIRE case I had when I first started in D-6.

At this particular FIRE CALL my assignment was to MONITOR the HOSES to make sure the TOURISTS/CROWD did not trample on them. These HOSES were connected to the building. This was in fact for safety reasons....becuase the hoses where HEAVY and FILLED with water.....like HOSES sometimes do....it could WHIP or SNAP and injury some one.....so Iwas the official HOSE PROTECTOR for about an hour.

As I was redirecting people to go around these hoses...from the corner of my eye I see a RED AFRO'D male walking inches from the HOSE.....I was about to INSTRUCT him to go around...but to late....the DUDE just walks on TOP of all 4 FIRE HOSES.

WTF

I tell him..."Whoa...WHoa.....dude....you see me telling people not to walk here.....dont be step'n on all these hoses." I lightly grab his elbow.....and the DUDE freaks a little...

He shrieks at me suddenly, "DON'T TOUCH ME...DONT TOUCH ME!!!" and pulls out of my grip.

I kinda am suprised by his actions...I just say, "Than next time....walk AROUND."

The dude...I later dub OPI.....storms off...muttering under his breath.

Going back to the present....I pull up in my SQUAD CAR and see OPI yelling at WAYNE...and YOSH.

I make my way behind OPI ,(ready for a takedown), in case things get UGLY.

He sees me and redirects his anger to me..."I demand to know why I'm being TRESPASSED..."

YOSHI says.."It's simple...they don't want you here."

SECURITY related to us OPI was just sitting on a table fronting JAMBA, smoking, loitering, and harassing passerbyers.

OPI continues to raise his voice...and I....close the distance.....and get in his face.

He reacts...in dramatic fashion. Taking a HUGE step back....and saying, "Your invading my personal BUBBLE space."

This line amuses me and I shake my head.

He continues.." I am a paying customer of JAMBA & STARBUCKS for many years."

Pointing at the ITEMS on OPIS outside table he was sitting on my partner YOSHI adds,.."Oh yeah...what did you get from JAMBA....cause I see your drinking a BIG GULP form 7-11."

OPI says, "The straw....."

I say, "You walk into JAMBA and take one of their straws.. and that makes you a customer?"

The nerve of this guy.

I tell em, "Look their giving you a GOLDEN oppurtunity....they just want you to leave....if you continue to stay here...they will want you to get arrested for TRESPASS."

FINALLY...he starts to grab his stuff...he was about to walk away but stops and tells me,.."Well I'll go...... but maybe I'll come back..maybe later tonight..and maybe I'll walk slowly through here... and maybe...if I see something on the ground I'll take my time looking at it....."

?????

What a defiant wisenheimer.

I tell him, "Yeah you can probably do that....but it will be your own STUPIDITY that would get you arrested."

OPI gives me the once over, TURNS, and walks away briskly.

On my MONDAY...he does the same thing at a different STARBUCKS....but refuses to LEAVE on his own....he consequently is taken down...and DOSED with PEPPER SPRAY.

DUDE does not react well to the CHEMICAL AGENT.

He pretty much throws...a 2 year old tantrum......yelling.... kicking......swearing.... crying.

One of the OFFICERS takes him to the E.R.

This same OFFICER calls over the radio for ASSISTANCE cause OPI is getting out of HAND.

I tell them I was coming.

When I get to the ER.....OPI is all cuffed up...hands and legs........he is standing there.NAKED......SCREAMING..."MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE....HELP ME.......HELP ME.......!!!"

If you havent gotten PEPPER SPRAYED....I must inform you....DO NOT USE WATER to cool yourself off...

The H20 will mix with the PEPPER...and if you are not careful.....it will drip down into your privates. (if you SWEAT enough...like OPI did...it can have the same affect.)

OPI was having one of those MOMENTS. Even though he was cuffed and shackled he mangaged to get his shorts of.

Goodness Gracious....GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.

"This is worse than getting shot.....its like a INDIAN BURIAL CEREMONY.......HELP ME....GOD...HELP ME....!!!

I still hear his screams.

I can relate mind you cause the same thing happened to me when I got SPRAYED at the POLICE ACADEMY......

After the PEPPER SPRAY obstacle course...(They blast u and make yo do a BUNCHA different stations)....I took a shower in the locker room.

BAD mistake.

A raging fiery flood of PEPPER GRAVY tore thru the DARK FOREST that day my friends.....

I still hear MY screams.

Friggin CRAZY.

...................................................................................

Speaking of crazy situations.....check this one out!

There are perfectly GOODS things about KALIHI....LOCATION..being one...and we also have GOOD neighbors.....(The people in the DRUG HOUSE on the corner was evicted recently).

The thing I dislike is.......it is difficult to distinguish the GOOD guys from the BAD guys......

Now...it aint a RACIST profile thing.......

If you been in my shoes......dealt with the 1,000's of people I dealt with.....searched the 100's of smelly vagrants.....or the shaky DRUGHEADS....you get a feel for what catagory they fall under.

In my hood......it is diffcult.....to sort them out.

If you see a guy riding on a bike in any NEIGHBORHOOD...going up in down the street.....in a perfect world you might think...oh look....that fine GENTLEMAN is getting some good ole fashion EXCERCISE.

If you put on the POLICE GLASSES....(you know the jaded...doomy...glass half empty vision)
you might see..A DRUGGIE riding a get away bike....CASING the area...ready to BURG a house.

Yesterday I was pulling out of my driveway and I spot one fine gentleman riding his bicycle.

He looks in my driveway and continues to peddle on.

HMMMMM.

I turn to the wife and say...."Wait that guy...looks kinda CRUMMY."

Meaning...suspicious.

When I leave my house....I kinda look up and down the street for PREDATORS....to see if any one is watching...and know I'm leaving...and when I'm gone.... and who may want to go shopping in my HOUSE.

Call me paranoid.....but I do this where ever I go.

You should try it sometime.......when you park your CAR at the mall or beach......try to survey your surroundings.

I'm telling you......YOU DO NOT GO UNNOTICED....people WATCH YOU!!

"Where?" the wife asks.

"Nevermind...he left already."I said ready to back up up my car once more.

No sooner than I say this...I see the same dude pass by my driveway again...and look at my house.

"There that guy!" I say, pointing at the filipino male on a red bike.

I see him pass AGAIN but than the wife shrieks, "HEY HES WEARING YOUR SHIRT!!!"

WTF

Do you recall the picture from my "GUESS WHOS BACK" blog.

Yah know the "SAVE YOUR DRAMA FOR MY MAMA". t-shirt.

This 5 foot druggie looking filipino dude...is drapped in my XXLARGE blaCK SHIRT!!

There is only ONE other shirt like that one.....and unless my BABY BROTHER donated it to GOODWILL before he went back to CALIFORNIA...this MO-FO stole it.

He peddled his thieving ASS mauka on our street turning inot the FAST STOP parking lot.

Against my wife's PROTEST, I followed.

I mean how DUMB can you be.....you're wearing someone elses shirt......IN FRONT of his house.
That deserved, at the very least, an investigative CONVERSATION.

I pulled up to the side of this guy and I cut right to the chase...I say, "BRUDDAH your wearing my shirt!"

In my periphrial vision I see my wife attempting to jump out the vehicle, tuck & roll, and find a nice quiet SPOT to die from SHAME.

I wasn't bothered by the ordeal.....its my JOB REQUIREMENT to be placed in uncomfortable positions...and I was pissed......THIS DUDE had the nerve to be wearing my friggin SHIRT!!!

He stops his bike....looks at me kinda scared like..and mumbles out, "I when find em on the ground."

WTF....of all the LAME ASS excuses....FOUND IT ON THE GROUND........HOLY MOLEY MACARONI.......the only other worse thing he could have said was,.."Oh I bought this amusing piece of clothing attire from K-MART!"

That woulda deserved an instant SMACK.

"Oh yeah..." I say sternly, "Where?"

The crackhead shifted his eyes....and I saw his body shaking abit...perhaps JOANSING for another FIX..."Uh I found it on the ground....by the FENCE by my UNCLE NESTER's house."

"Really.." I say, "Where is that?"

"Over there." he nods using his HEAD to point the way, "He lives at a 2 story house."

2 story HOUSE...with a fence..with a UNCLE NESTER living inside of it...THATS EVERY OTHER HOUSE IN KALIHI!!

"Where you live!!" I snap.

"I live on LOKAHI..." he says nervously.

"So you when find it by your house...on the ground?" I say.....trying to trip him up on his story.

"No...no..no....by my UNCLE NESTERS house.....on the ground by the fence." he said (story remaining the same)

I dont believe him for a second and I ask, "You not walking around in my YARD huh.....taking things off my clothesline!!"

I ask him this question about THREE times. I honestly thought he would CRY....breakdown from the guilt and shame...and admit to it.

But he doesn't.

"No...NO....I not!" he says.

"You know..." I say....."Thats a custom....one of a KIND...t-shirt"

He looks at me blankly for a second...unsure what I meant by that.

Actually, even I was unsure what I meant by that.....like I said before...its a 2 of a kind.

"Just give it back to me." I say reaching out my car window.

He looks at me and than at my wife..........who would offer him no help because she actually managed to SHRINK her body to a MICROSCOPIC size from all the DRAMA and EMBARASSMENT.

"Fo'real" he says, "You want em back."

"Hell yeah.......take it off!" I instruct him.

Like a misbehaving child he strips out of the CUSTOM 2 of A KIND SAVE YOUR DRAMA FOR MY MAMA t-shirt and hands it over.

I ask him, "Whats your name?"

The crackhead...thinking over the question gives a nice CHRISTIAN ALIAS of, "Albert...my name is Albert."

I give em the sure it is nod and staredown and drive away.

I get the OMYGOD I cant believe you did that speech from the WIFEY.

I drive out of view around the corner and pull off on the side of the road....near a TRASH CAN.

I lift the lid...and toss it away.

"What your not gonna even keep it?!" she asks

"Its the principle..." I snap.

"I cant believe you made him take OFF the shirt." Dawn says.

Dawn can some times be a BLEEDING HEART type of girl.

Don't get me wrong.....her compassion...is a STRENGTH of hers...... but this MO-FO STOLE my SAVE YO DRAMA FOR MY MAMA shirt!

"What..... afraid his gonna get a SUNBURN in the hot sun?" I say sarcastically.

Dawn adds,"No I was thinking....hows he supposed to hide his TRACK MARKS."

Awwwww realistic HOOD COMPASSION at its finest FOLKs.

How did he get my shirt.

That was a question we pondered around for some time after.

The last time I wore it was FILMING my movie of KALIHI WARS.

I was sure I threw it in the LAUNDRY.

Dawnys recollection...is much more reliable than mine.....she was adament that it was never washed!!!

As I reflected further....I was struck with the possibilty...that I may have infact dropped it...one late night after work......

See in KALIHI....when you set things down on the side of the road...for BULKY ITEM pick-up....its not really called BULKY ITEM PICKUP......its called... FREE FOR ALL GARAGE SALE....

Because by the time C&C refuse even schedules a drive by your house...half the neighboorhood has sifted thru/ or taken your disgarded items.

That is a fact of the HOOD life.

Well Albert......I may not KNOW how you actually got my shirt........

You may have actually may have found it ...by a fence...next to your UNCLE NESTERS 2 story house.

If thats the case....I apologize.

I will leave out a bottle of 45 SUNBLOCK lotion.....by my front fence....in hopes that it may find its way into your desperate....sunburnt hands.

Til next time,

Big Daddy

PS:Speaking of strange people riding BIKES....I have been offered to qualify for POLICE OFFICER bicycle training...this AUGUST!!! HOORAY....I was wondering when I could break out my spandex and DAISY DUKES shorts......

So if you happen to see me training around the ISLAND.....give this sailor a WHISTLE for encouragment........its HOT out there....ask ALBERT....he knows.

EVERY DOG GETS HIS DAY

2007-06-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

Aloha LOYAL READERS,

I trust this BLOG reaches you happy and in good HEALTH.

Speaking of HEALTH.....I spoke to soon about my SON's HEALTH ISSUES.

This past week we had a LATE NIGHT trip to the E.R..

Ka'ili had a simple COLD that progressed into a 26 HOUR BARF FESTIVAL!

Does this symptoms sound familiar.

YUP here we go again!!!

My boy is a MEDICAL mystery....I tell you.

It always begins the same...a sneeze....a runny nose...than WHAMMO!!!

We thought it would take its normal course.....24 hours or so than.....he would snap out of it.

But after 24 hours of it.....no food and no water....he started puking blood....SPOOKY shit ladies and gents.....yah know PUKING your guts out...and popping a blood vessel in your inards and thus causing BLOOD BILE....

Well...we get to the E.R. and we eventually see the DOC.....

DOCTOR asks me so how much times has he THROWN UP....

I said about 24 hours......maybe 4 times each hour....

He looks at me and asks, "So....how much would that be?"

I'm like...DUDE....I flunked ALGEBRA and GEOMATARY and took BASIC MATH my SENIOR YEAR of HIGH SCHOOL....if I could do MATH.....I woulda been a DOCTOR.

I finally respond sarcastically...."I dont know....50-60 times."

The DOC looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

Who am I the HUMAN CALCULATOR??

Like I mentioned before my weakness is the kiddies so I decided to go back HOME and wait for my wife to call me back to pick them up.

When I was gone my son was pricked and poked like a HUMAN VODOO DOLL.....apparently because of the dehydration...the nurse was unable to find the VEIN for the IV.

The doctor to his credit...suggested a FEELING NASEA type medication...real expensive stuff(like 800-900 dollars)...normally reserved for cancer patients( thank GOD for health issurance).

Once the IV drip and the MEDS hit his system my lifeless SKELETOR was once again MR. CHATTY.

I picked them up bout 3 in the morning and the boy was talking up storm.

For those who are concerned he is feeling MUCH better.

The only remainant to his ordeal is a rash above his upper lip....

He informed us..."Don't worry about it...its my HITLER moustache."

Where does he get this stuff!!

Now don't be alarmed about my little DICATATOR...he has a GOOD heart!!

The other day in ART CLASS he helped out a GIRL in distress...even though it was a sworn enemy.

This girl he calls the ENEMY....broke his lightsaber he was creating by snapping pens together in CLASS.

Anyway the other day the girl took a spill while climbing up stairs...My son being the caring gentleman he is....helps the ENEMY girl up off the ground...holding her hand and checks to see if she was allright.

The ENEMY girls friends....pointed and laughed at my son...for holding the girls hand.....

My SON says to them, "Don't laugh at me......I'm a HERO...not a ZERO like you!!"

Quite the comeback......for an 8 year old with a SPEECH DELAY....

Those nasty girls will get theres one day...

You see I recently became a believer in the YOU REAP what you SOW mentality.

The other day my old beat partner MONTY accused me of murder.

Well he didn't out right put it like that but I got what he meant.

MONTY calls me outta the blue and says..."Hey where you in CALIFORNIA this weekend."

I told him NO.

He keeps persisting that I was in CALIFORNIA.

I finally asked...."Why...what happened?"

"Dennis ROGER is dead." he replied.

My mouth dropped.

Years ago while on my first tour of PATROL the two worst cases to go to were #1 ABUSE cases and #2 BARKING DOG complainants.

The reasons being that these 2 COMPLAINTS were the worse cases to go to was that the COMPLAINANTS for these cases have a tendancy to turn on you.

You know the abused wife who uses us as the REFEREE or PERSONAL BODYGUARD and yells and screams at the the husband.."See...see...what you get...F...YOU!!" Than the minute we slap the cuffs on its a whole different VICTIM.....next thing you know the girl is CURSING at us (THE COPS), trying to hit us, jumping on our backs, and trying to take are guns....screaming.."Leave him alone you F'IN COPS!!"

I found thru personal experience people who make BARKING DOGS complainants have an ANTI POLICE personality. For whatever reason.....they dislike us and treat us like CIVIL slaves.

Thus was the demeanor and ways Dennis ROGER.

Dennis ROGER would call on numerous occasions about BARKING DOGS throughout the neighborhood. He would never want to meet with the OFFICER (which was always me) to make a complaint.

When I would respond to his complaints there would be a general location.....and what I noticed was that....MANY of his neighbors had DOGS. I would park at a distance because what I also noticed if I parked near the DOG OWNERS residences the DOGS would rush the property line and BARK at me, (the unknown intruder).

Now the DURATION of a legitamate BARKING DOG complaint is (if I recall) continouis barking for 20 minutes.

I would sit there for a time and listen.

Being at a distance I would hear some barking....but would never know where the HELL it was coming from. It was frustrating and ALMOST every single time the OWNERS of the DOGS were never home.

Shortly there after I would CLASSIFY the case as a SERVICES....most times because I could not locate an exact SOURCE of the violation.

I did my investigations checking houses and discovered that most of the dogs actually had ELECTRONIC SHOCK collars.

As weeks and MONTHS went by....the calls to the location became more and more frequent.

One particular evening I and my beat partner MONTY drove up to the COMPLAINANT's house to try to resolve these NONSTOP calls.

Thats when I met Dennis ROGER.

Pulling up to the ROGERS house I saw him pacing back and forth with his hands on his hips.

As soon as I exited the patrol car he said, "I WANNA F'IN STRAGGLE THOSE GDAMN DOGS!!"

I explained to him I wanted to resolve this BARKING DOG complaints situation.

I asked if he would be willing to meet with the NEIGHBORS to CALMLY DISCUSS how best to resolve the situation.

Red faced and defiant he screamed, "I want you to do your job and cite THEM."

I explained to him that it was difficult to pin point which neighbors dog was barking.

Screaming at me he yelled, "Cite em all!!"

I told him I can't do that if I dont know the SOURCE of the barking.

He told me, "Either do your JOB or I'll SUE you and the DEPARTMENT."

Now I don't particually liked getting yelled at....threatened..... disrespected....mistreated....I never understood the kind of PEOPLE who GET OFF screaming at cops.

This is how I look at it....when you talk with an OFFICER....talk to them like you would someone who is willing to SARCRIFCE his life for you.........cause thats what he does....he puts on the BADGE and responds to cases and is ready to DIE if need be....for a TOTAL STRANGER.

I guess its difficult to comprehand that...when getting a citation for CLICK IT OR TICKET.

So any way....when people SCREAM at me......I close the distance.

I step closer to the person...... I get inches fron there face.

I use a CALM and quiet voice.

A lotta people will change theit demeanor when you do this.
The feel uncomfortable and tend to back down.

But this does not ALWAYS work..some people blinded by RAGE, DRUGS, ALCOHOL, or STUPIDITY will continue to RANT...you also run the RISK of getting PUSHED or PUNCHED in the face. I am not recomending you to handle you confrontations this way....I'm just saying thats how I do it.

ROGERS did not back down....he continued to RANT and RAVE.

He did not..(to his credit) touch me.

Realizing I was not going to get anywhere with ROGERS I shook my head and turned to leave.
MONTY stood there for a moment stunned at the action and added sarcastically, "Oh GEEZ get em a TISSUE!!"

ROGERS gave us both the STINK EYE, stormed off, went into his house, and slammed the DOOR.

The TISSUE comment broke the TENSION and we got a GOOD LAUGH.

The next day we were informed by our SUPERVISOR that ROGERS made a COMPLAINANT againest us...saying we were laughing at him.

From that day forth my SUPERVISIOR also informed me that if he made a BARKING DOG complaint we were not to got to his HOUSE, we were to park at a distance, sit in our vehicle for 20 minutes, generate a RECORDS case every time, and CITE if nesscary.

Now ROGERS was a SMART cat...I'll give him that.

He knew when our CHANGE of shifts took place.

So when the evening rolled around.....and it was time to head back to the MAIN station on BERETANIA street...he would call with his GOOD OLE BARKING DOG COMPLAINANT!!

So as my partners would ROLL in and got to go HOME on time....I was stuck....sitting in my patrol car....on th outskirts of my DISTRICT...listening to DOGS bark for 20 minutes......not knowing where the hell it was coming from.

Those nights sucked!!!

I always wanted to give a little PAYBACK to ROGERS.....most of my vengful schemes were juvenile...and petty....HECK I would have been happy issuing him a TAG.

But that was not meant to be and I transfered out of the area a year later.

That was 5 years ago.

"Eh you heard me...Dennis ROGERS.....is DEAD!!" Monty said.

"I heard you...I heard you...HOW?" I asked.

"They found him NUDE in a vehicle that had plunged off the side of the ROAD." MONTY explained.

................................

Now if you have visions of me HOOTING , HOLLARING, spiking my CELLPHONE down like a wide reciever doing a victory DANCE in the ENDZONE......I will never tell.

I see alotta SICK CRAP out there folks .....I see alotta injustice.....but this ROGERS thing has opened me eyes.

I firmly believe JERKS...AHOLES.....guys like ROGERS....who has no respect for ANYONE....will have alot to ANSWER...you don't have to take any thing inot your hands...all you gotta do is sit back and watch...it may to months...even years.....but one way or another......it will EVENTUALLY catch up with them.

Til next time,

Big Daddy

P.S.: I recently starred in a HOME MADE short film movie called, "KALIHI WARS EPISODE 1: ICE SCREAM YOU SCREAM!" if your interested in the flick...I probably can email it to you...let me know!!! ALOHA!!!

GUESS WHOS BACK!!

2007-06-01T12:24:00.001-07:00

Hello....Hello...Hello ONCE AGAIN Loyal Readers,

You missed me.........awwww thats so sweet....

No wait you didn't.....uh...okay.

I've been......shall we say undercover.......I now currently prowl the streets in my 86 Nissan TRUCK and FIGHT CRIME where ever it rears its UGLY HEAD.

Of course nobody takes me seroiusly so I havent made any arrests as of yet.....but I'm trying!!

As you can see I had one heck of a BLOG dry spell for the month of MAY.

All my creative ENERGY went to several PROJECTS that I just completed YESTERDAY.

WHEW!!

It was one heck of a PROCESS.

With that complete I have a bit of FREE TIME to update you about the LATEST and GREATEST events that have been happening.

First OFF Congrads and WELL WISHES to Sheldon and Corinne TAWATA on there latest family edition.....IAN TIEN YAO.......WELCOME TO THE WORLD little man!!!

Lets see....what else....oh yes.....I had a FULL HOUSE this past month and a half.

My MOM was the FIRST visitor.....showing up in early APRIL as a suprise BIRTHDAY PRESENT for me.

What a TREAT!!

Instead of wrapped up in a BOW...she came wrapped up in a CAST.....suffering from a broken wrist.

Despite the injury she still came in FIRST PLACE at the CALIFORNIA SENIOR CITIZEN SLIP AND SLIDE CONTEST!!!
As you can see from this PICTURE....madness.....and insanity...runs in the FAMILY.

My HARDWORKING stepdad JOHN and brother JOE also came by for a visit.

My baby brother JOE....now looks down at me...the tall bastard...I blame it on my LACTOSE intolerance.

My MOM had an extended stay.....I enjoy her company..she has a great laugh.... a love for a good story.... and love for drama.
(Thus the custom made DRAMA MAMA T-SHIRT for MOTHERS DAY).

Yah know the kinda person....that when a DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE occurs she rushes off...not to cower...or call the POLICE....but to get a FRESH BOWL O POPCORN and an ICY COLD BEVERAGE.....and take a front and center seat and watch the ACTION unfold.

In other NEWS my kiddies have been WELL......

Kinohis OCD levels have been at a moderate level...no TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL OCD SPIKES. She continues to exhibit true talent for MANGA DRAWING and CREATIVE STORY TELLING!! I have no doubt she will surpass even me with the amount of time she spends on honing her CRAFT.

Ka'ili....well....he hasn't exactly been BARF FREE.....but his monthly bouts of 48 hour BARF FESTS has slowed down enough where he actually has put on a few pounds.

Thank GOD!!

He's still into WAR and SOLIDERS.......
His freetime is spent playing with STAR WARS MINI ACTION FIGURES......these figures are for a GAME like dungeon and dragons.....in which you roll dice and attack your opponent.

One night we went to OTHER REALMS at WARD WAREHOUSE and we saw a STAR WARS GAME NIGHT EVENT.

It was kinda of unsettling for me but Ka'ili BOY loved it.

Kids ages ranged from 9...10 thru 35 .....and even 40 years old....

Yup had some middle aged men playing with the little boys.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.......talk about OOGIE factor.

Anyway ever since than Ka'ili has been collecting these STAR WARS mini figures.....
But only today we bought the STARTER GAME to go with it.

Talk about complicated.....I never played DUNGEON and DRAGONS....but I did play the MAGIC card game....and this STAR WARS game....makes MAGIC look like GO FISH!

Talk about your complicated.
Heres a few PICS of Konea getting comfy in the STAR WARS game box.......

Poor Konea in her golden years of LIFE she has been reduced to being GRAY FURRY terrain to STAR WARS mini figures. (Not that she cares mind you....she has ALZHEIMERS.....she used to nap all day long....take dumps (we call nuggets) on the carpet, drools all over us, and take LONG DEEP drinks of toilet water....but now she THINKS shes young aqain. Lately in the morning she's as frisky as a kitten.

Anyway I hope Ka'ili grows out of this phase....or I forsee him being the next 40 year old virgin....with the, "I have attacked your SITH WARLORD for 20 plus damage and with my FORCE probabilty it is now at 50 plus damage..your defense is depleted.. therefore my JEDI GUARDIAN has defeated your DARKSIDE legion!!" type conversation.

Not exactly the kinda lines that will help him get LAID later in life.....

But there is hope....he may be a MANS MAN yet......

The other week while driving home he said a DOOZIE.

Ka'ili was seated in the backseat with the CARAVALHO ladies( Kinohi and Dawny) and openly stated, "I like being a MAN....you can FART wherever you like..."

Leaning over and looking loveingly at his Mother he raised his hand and exclaimed,
"PULL MY FINGER."

Another one of his MALE PIGGY ANTICS is one where he holds on to his interal gasses until the final moment... and prentends his O-RING is a Missle Silo.

When he is ready to LAY ONE he runs around our house in search of me......when he finds me he proclaims...."You are NORTH KOREA.....I am the United STATES......!!! He than proceeds to pounce on my LAP and scream..."NUCLEAR MISSLE LAUNCH!!" and FARTS on me.

I tell you I get no respect.

If you are looking at ME for being the source of his mischevoius demeanor....I can not take full credit....this boy comes up with his own ORIGINAL material.

Anyway.......work has been BUSY as ever.

If drunks arent challenging me for a FIGHT than people are lighting themsevles on FIRE on park benches.

I tell you its a MADHOUSE out there!

This past week was no exception.

When dispatch informs you to respond to a NAKED MALE type case...its not one I personally like to go RUSHING TOO.

To each his own mind you....but I am not the of GUY who RUSHES to these type of CASES....
Yah know the type of person to CUT off the DISPATCHER before they finish saying NAKED MAN and BLURT OUT..."YES SHOW ME PROCEEDING!!!" Yah know....and in thebackground of the transmission you HEAR the officers patrol car the SIREN WAILING and tires SCREECHING.

Not for me folks.

When I got the call to respond to a NAKED MALE walking on KUHIO AVENUE I continued to drive and did not respond to the RADIO right away.

I paused.

I didnt touch my car RADIO.

Instead I crossed my fingers and hoped I would get cancelled by a rookie or at the very least HOPE TO GOD that a nail would mircaciously find its way inside my tire.

That would keep my occupied for a good HOUR.......or more ........depending how fast triple A could come in afternoon traffic.

Listen folks.....I did my time......I was a rookie once and was asked to go many times to DIAMOND HEAD(emphasis on the HEAD) BEACH on reports of nude mlaes playing with each others BALLSAX....

It was no picnic for me...but as a ROOK....you gotta cancel the MOTOR men and respond.

So hey if I dont wanna go to the SAUSAGE FESTIVAL PARADE on KUHIO AVENUE than by golly Miss MOLLY....I think my 8 years should count for something.

Anyway .....going back to my KUHIO nude male......a voice crackled on the radio. saying.....
" Yeah..Central...CANCEL.... 5-2.......5-4 proceeding."

"WHEW".....yeah normally....but 5-4 is a women........It would show POOR FORM not to cover her off againest possibly a CRAZED MAN,..naked or NOT,..so with great displeasure I also responded..."CENTRAL this is 5-2 show me still going."

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!

In no particually hurry I drove like a Grandma driving a oversized CADDY on SUNDAY morning.

Taking the scenic ROUTE no DOUBT....hoping and praying....that...the NAKED MAN would find his way to the many CLOTHING DEPARTMENTS which litter WAIKIKI and buy a set of PANTS.

But with my PORTAGEE DETECTIVE SKILLS I deduced that without out pants.....he got no pockets....with no pockets.....he got no wallet..........and with no wallet....he got no money........and with no money.......that would mean no such luck!!

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!

Across the street from SMORGYS I see 5-4 off with a LARGE CHUNKY POLYNESIAN male.

Drawing in a deep breath I say to myself, "Here we go."

Hitting the lights and sirens I bus an illegal U-TURN and roll along side of them.

Exiting my vehicle.....I approach my beat partner as she was explaining to the MALE how to wear a PAREO.

Well the MALE.....was abit on the SWISHY side.....yah know MAHU NEI...but kinda off in the head.

He was wearing his blue PAREO(tradtional local kine towel like wrap around)...kinda like a cape around his neck with NOTHING underneath.

By the time I approached them....the PAREO was now fitted across the MALES chest..under the armpits...but it was abit on the SHORT SIDE and did not quite cover his ALAS, which swung like a pair of HAIRY coconuts in the tropical island winds.

Tasting BILE I quickly looked at PAREO MANS face.

A hawaiian...sola mix......shaved head.....pudgy face....and 4-5 front teeth missing or rotting away in his mouth....made him quite a vision to behold.

5-4 informs the guy,"Eh girlfriend....you gotta put the PAREO around your waist...its to short.....people are complaining."

PADEO man quickly protests..."But I no like show my BREASTS."

"Better than your BALLS" I quickly add pointing to his lower regions.

PAREO man gives me the once over...and drops his PAREO to his waist...while adjusting he EXPOSES a FLURRY of FURRY PRIVATES....much like a BLACK EWOK of ENDOR trapped between 2 pillars covered with SEA BARNACLES.

My stomach wrentched and I fought back a GAG reflex.

Looking up I almost fainted.

The breasts....that PAREO mentioned was in fact REAL.....not flab or silicon..but something out of a HORROR movie.....imagine young sprouting teen girl boobs covered with black chest hair.......its...like.....its like...the dude started taking HORMONE shots once upon a time....but ran outta money.....so....the breasts...werent quite fully developed.

I closed my eyes in horror...shook my head back and forth violently....and tried to escape the TERROR of PAREO MAN by thinking of my Happy Place......

"ALOHA" waved PAREO man with his fingers......and with a sway of the HIPS...strolled merrily up KUHIO avenue.

5-4 looks at me and stated, "We are definetly gonna get a call back."

Jumping into my patrol car I made it up the end of the block when another call comes in.

Naked lady walking on KUHIO.

Oh no.........here we go again...........will the madness ever end.

Now....like you....I thought...... PAREO MAN

But....it wasnt.......

The cross street was more towards Mcully.

So off I proceed.....to...a NAKED LADY CALL!!

Scanning the streets of the ALA WAI I see absoultey nothing.....

A voice comes over the radio, "5-3.....I got HER....."

The street name is given.......and I make it in 40 seconds.

I wish I hadn't.

The 60 year old lady was standing in the front yard of her apartment SCREAMING at my beat partner as he tried his breast......I mean best..... to explain to her to put some clothes on.

The haole lady had DROOPY deflated white SNOOPY FACED breasts that ran past her navel.

"I can F*CKIN walk around naked...where ever I F*CKIN please.....aint nothing you F*CKIN cops can do about it!!!" the lady shrieks.

"If you try anything FUNNY....I'll turn you into the MAYOR....I know my F*CKIN rights."

Some times its better to AGREE with people who are RAVING.

I chime in with my 2 CENTS, "THATS RIGHT you CAN be NAKED....just be NAKED in your APARTMENT MAAM."

She spouts off a few more obscenties at us and STORMS back into her apartment and slams the DOOR.

If anyone out there thinks our new PAY RAISE is too much......please make an appointment with me and I will deliver you a swift kick to the BALLS.

Good LORD save me,

Til next time,

BIG DADDY

P.S.
UPDATE:
PAREO man was recently arrested for Harassment and Assault...but I am sure I havent seen the last of HIM.
SNOOPY BOOBS was recently taken to the Hospital for Mental Observation. Piles of Feces and urine was found throughout her 1 bedroom apartment. It was not a pleasant site.

Banana Fingers

2007-05-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Loyal Readers,

I dont feel like SPELL CHECKING so please BEAR with me.

It is your favorite PO PO with the latest adventure.

FAST and FURIOUS.

The work weeks are LONG and HARD.

I resurface on my days off....catch a quick breath of relief.....and than dive right back into the WACKY WAIKIKI AQUARIUM.

Its crazy..........believe me.....and I know crazy.

WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA

As an Officer in Waikiki you earn a CELEBRITY type status.....tourists love to stop and chat and get a PHOTO op.

Don't get me wrong....I think its kinda cute....but it can get a little..."taxing"

Sometimes you can't walk form the Waikiki Substation to your Patrol vehicle without having to strike a pose with some SUNBURNT SALLY from SOUTH DAKOTA.

These celebrity photo shoots also occur at the most inconvienant times. I was at a ROBBERY case the other night and was interviewing the victim...who was injured and emotional...anyway this TOURIST just cuts right in and asks to have a picture with me......

I informed him sternly, "Uh no....I am abit busy now!!!"

As a celebrity you also gain a fan base.

Some wives in the department down right REFUSE to let there husbands work the WAIKIKI area for this reason.

I can see were they are coming from.

I mean there are the TEMPTATIONS......sun....surf....lotions....bikinis.....boobies....Mai Tais.....

If you are not STRONG WILLED you may get SUCKED into the allure of the ATMOSPHERE.

Now loyal readers I pride myself as a straight laced type of guy....(okay some of you might disagree) but believe it or not...I think I'm pretty decent.

Its been a few months of working WAIKIKI.....there hasnt been a RUSH of panty throwing and Hotel ROOM key passing to this Officer....plus in addition to being a NICE GUY...my wife keeps my BALLS on a shelf at home labeled with her name on top of the jar.

But anyway.....last week I was HIT ON for the first time.

I will share that story in a minute.

I first must give you a little inside SCOOP.

Some things that happen to me I cant freely write about.

Things happen that might be CASE related....and I cannot provide this INFORMATION....because it may HARM the case in court.

As exciting as some of these cases maybe...I have to respect the policy.

There are also some things that happen...that I do...on purpose...or inadvertingly...that may be frowned upon by my bosses....so I cannot write about those things as well.

There is one story in particular...(that I have shared with some of you) that can only be shared IN PERSON.

If you would like a such a story...the next time we cross paths...ask about the "DOG STORY".

The HIT ON story begins with me doing JAYWALKING enforcement on Seaside Avenue near the old Waikiki 1 and 2 Theatres.

Due to the recent pedestrian deaths on Oahu our administration has instructed us to concentrate our TRAFFIC INFRACTION efforts on JAYWALKING violators.

Our immediate bosses ask for 2 JAYWALKING TAGS or TRAFFIC SAFETY AWARNESS CARDS daily.

It may seem simple enough, but when you are runnning around Waikiki like a Chicken with your head cut off.....it can be difficult...TIME WISE....to squeeze in 2 JAYWALKERS daily.

So last week...I sat in my patrol car at the mentioned location....looking for the violaters.
(I haven't..... to date..... issued a 70.00 ticket JAYWALKING ticket....I have given written warnings only.)

In my seated position.....I wait for the JAYWALKERS to come to me......I aint about to give chase.

The first violater was a mid 40's asian female wearing a BRIGHT JAMS clothing line muu muu.

As she neared my vehicle I popped out the front seat like a "COP in a BOX" toy.

BOING!!

I said, "Excuse me, please come this way..." and I directed her to the rear trunk area of my Patrol Car.

I asked her if she spoke English.

She shook her head....looking scared, unsure and fearful.

When a tourist informs me they do not know our language....I will proceed to draw a simple picture of the JAY WALKING violation.nothing fancy... I draw a crosswalk, a stick figure, and the price of the violation.

I inform them rather quickly (the best I can) that I am only issuing a WARNING!

The lady does not seem to be understanding...still seems very skittish.....almost a little special needs....

I tell her again.."Don't worry....this is a WARNING this is not a ticket just write down your NAME, ADDRESS and PHONE NUMBER on this WARNING CARD."

She very cautiously writes down three letters.....A.........V........A.

I say, "Is that your name?"

Her scared demeanor changes to an ANGRY outburst.

She becomes abit animated and randomly points at other JAYWALKING violators.
She shrieks, "WHA BOUT HIM....WHA BOUT HIM....!"

I proceed to inform her that yes... they are JAYWALKING as well but I am a human being and not an OCTOPUS and therefore unable to STOP every JAYWALKER.

Furthermore I inform her..I am talking to YOU not to them.

"WHA BOUT HIM...WHA BOUT HIM..."

Now am getting kinda irratatied.

"Forget this..." I say in frustration.." Let me see some I.D....I will now write you a ticket."

"No...no" she says.

I tell her..."I am not here to argue...you wanna dispute what you did...I can write a 70.00 ticket and we can go to court."

I say, "By the way..I think you do speak ENGLISH...now show me your I.D."

She pulls the scared girl act once more and tells me "No...NO....sorry" and turns to walk away like I don't exisit....like I magically disappeared and she can go about her life.

I lightly grab her wrist and say, "Now wait a minute.....I asked you for your I.D....you don't just turn and walk away....thats disrespectful...and can get you arrested.!"

I arch my eyebrows and tell her, " I.D. right NOW."

You see how it can go wrong so quickly.

She digs through her purse....and whips out a HAWAII DRIVERS LICENSE.

Hows that.

"I tell her....eh ...you lie....you speak english....I cant believe this your getting a ...TICKET!"

She lowers her head in shame..."I so sorry OFFICER...I work up the corner store...I late...I sorry!"

I tell her..."When an Officer asks for your I.D....you dont turn and walk away..YOU GIVE HIM I.D. or its a ride downtown!"

"No...please Officer...so sorry...so sorry..." she pleads.

UNREAL.

But alas.......I let her off with the WARNING.

Its not that I'm a softy.....I just didn't wanna spend 5 minutes writing a JAYWALKING tag.

And no....she did not give me a HOTEL key.

Now sooner did I jump in the patrol car..I see my next JAYWALKER.

A 6 foot 6 250 pound SAMOAN male.

He was dressed very well....aloha shirt...khaki pants....holding a briefcase. Real professional looking.

As he came near me...

BOING.

I go thru the whole JAYWALKING speel....(once again) informing him that it is only a warning.

He's actually warm, receptive...and a friendly SOLA dude.

He fills out my WARNING card and goes into small talk.

He asks if I know a Caravalho in MAUI...I tell him NO.

He asks about my job......

and soon....SMALL talk becomes...Medium TALK....

He keeps talking.....and talking......

At first I didn't mind...but the conversation turned to.."So when do you work til."

HMMMMM...my ears perk...hairs raise on the back of my neck....

I inform him that I work from 2:00pm thru 11:00pm 5 days a week.

"Oh" he replies.

There is a 10 second uncomfortable silence that followed and I get a sinking feeling like he's gonna ask me to the SPRING prom.

"Well." I say..."gotta get back to work."

"Oh ...okay officer...thanks for the warning." and he goes to shake my hand.

He has BANANA BUNCH hands...(yah know the JACK BLACK-Shallow HAL description)
just HUGE...strong and calloused.

He does a several nice bone crushing pumps....that was all good.

But upon RELEASE.....

Good LORD SAVE ME!!

His index finger wiggled firmly againest my inner palm.

I was dumbfounded.

Did I just imagine that.....

For the innocent readers I don't know if you ever experienced that index wiggle to the inner PALM sensation......but it's been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since someone has done it to me. Not since HIGH SKOOL DAYZ.

But to my understanding....basically, that index wiggle on the inner palm has sexual INDYWHENDOES.

I turned pale and looked at my inner palm feeling violated.

He turned away casually, walked 5 whole steps....reached into his pocket... came back to me and handed me his buisness card.

With a smile and a nod he continued on his MERRY way.

I ran....no I SPRINTED.. to the ABC store and bought an over priced box of S.O.S. pads and a 2 containers of AJAX cleaner.....ran to the nearest BEACH SHOWERS stripped off all my equipment/clothes....and scrubbed myself RAW for the next hour.

Later that day, still pink and tender, I bump into my beat partner....A friendly SAMOAN gent named SOLO.

I thought hmmmm.....maybe .....just maybe....I misunderstood the whole ordeal.

Yeah that's it.

I tell him, "Eh SOLO.... in SAMOA.... when you guys shake hands....is it a cultural thing...when you shake hands...to wiggle your index finger on the other guys inner palm....cause some SAMOAN guy just did it to me.

SOLO looks at me blankly for a moment and in a THICK samoan accent he answers, "No...its not a cultural thing...but I tink he likes you."

Feeling ILL I left work early that night and called in sick the rest of the WORK week.

................................................................................................................................................

WHY ME!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

Monkey off my BACK

2007-04-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Aloha loyal readers,

Yesterday I walked into line up and saw some new bright eyed and bushy tailed faces in our midst.

Actually they looked overwhelmed and bewildered. Like I did....and still do.

Damon and Wayne have arrived as District 6's newest Officers. I worked with these gentlemen for close to 4 years in the CELLBLOCK.

"Awww shiiiiiit" I exclaimed when I saw them, "Look at these NEWBEES!"

With warm grins and firm local hand shakes we exchanged quick pleasantries.

I proceeded to tell them with great relief, "Thank GOD, the monkey is off my back!!"

I quickly pulled invisible monkeys off my backside and placed it on their shoulders.

You see loyal readers.....I've been at Waikiki for two months.....yah know the NEWBEE by myself..the people I work with more or less know what kinda person I am...Its nice to have ALL EYES finally off of me and onto the next VICTIM.

Ahhhhh.....until I mess up somehow that is.

Its been a wild ride once again this past week.

It started off with a nice POWER OUTAGE in Waikiki which pretty much put all the Officers in my sector on traffic duty for 4-5 hours.

During the OUTAGE I was at a Felony case so I did not get assigned a traffic post. So I pretty much ran the whole sector until the early evening.

At about 1730 hours I went to a MOM and POP store and bought some bottled water for the Weary and Worn Traffic Duty Officers.

One of which asked me to run his intersection while he took a dinner break.

About a half an hour later, about 1800 hours, I hear him tell dispatch he was returning to his Traffic post. Dispatch informs him to take a NOISE COMPLAINANT.

Now the thing about NOISE COMPLAINANTS they can range from the average LOUD stereo, T.V., Party and so on.....but its those silly ones.....those utterly ridiculous ones.....they absolutely FLOOR me.

I mentioned this story before...but it bears repeating.

Years ago, when I worked PATROL in Hawaii Kai, I was about to have dinner at the PANDA EXPRESS. As I was about to feed my LOVE HANDLES on a heaping pile of Orange STRAIGHT TO THE HEART Chicken I received a call from Dispatch.

They informed me to proceed to a NOISE COMPLAINANT.

An anonymous male reported hearing LOUD WIND CHIMES in the area around his house.

....................................................................

Five minutes later I informed dispatch, "No wind chimes are heard......you can show me available.....the wind musta died down."

Do you think I actually went to that case....or did I finish my Orange Chicken.

If you ever want the answer to that question refer to my LOVE HANDLE area by giving it a GENTLE tug.

Any hoot...so this Officer who was coming back to relieve me....was sent by dispatch to a CHAIN hitting a TEATHER BALL pole type NOISE COMPLAINANT.

.................................................................

This officer proceeds to the area....and takes about 30-40 minutes on the case.

When he finally returns to relieve me I asked him what the HECK happened.

He informs me that he musta initially went to the wrong park cause he couldn't find the TEATHER BALL pole.

He than proceeded to check additional parks in the surrounding are until he found the right one.

................................................................

If this officer EVER gets promoted to DETECTIVE and shows the same time and dedication he displayed on a loud TEATHER BALL POLE noise complainant....every MURDER in Hawaii will be solved.

GOOD LORD.

Later that evening I helped direct traffic with another Officer. It was very busy ...a very dark area.....cars making left turns and rights.....Pedestrians darting in and outta traffic like FROGGER...a real HAIRY INTERSECTION.

It was short of a MIRACLE that the officer lasted that long by himself.

About an hour into the TRAFFIC DIRECTING I observed another FROGGER pedestrian gearing up to cross.

We hold up all traffic in the intersection and allow him to cross. This male dressed in a white long sleeve shirt, white vest, and white slacks kinda, hesitates.....pause...restart.....pause restarts...like he is unsure of our direction and fearful that he might get cleaned out from a SEMI TRUCK. His quirky demeanor grabs my attention and I get a good look at his face as passes me by.

As the male is side by side of me I exclaim, "Why...you look strangely familiar."

He pauses briefly and tells me where I might have seen him.

"Hmmmmmm nope..........never heard a yah...."I informed him.

Wait I think I got a picture of him.................Hold on................................

This is the dude
By the way he was acting......I think he was LOST or something.

INSERT RIMSHOT F/X

Hey remember the GUARDIAN ANGELS ........they wore those red berets back in the day...those civilian type enforcers who walked the street and fought CRIME.

Waikiki has these type of people.....there called the NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PATROL.

Once a week a OFFICER from one of the SECTORS in Waikiki is obligated to walk with them.

I had my first 1 hour walk with them on my FRIDAY. From 2000-2100 hours.

....................................................

I will not say much about this.........

I will say this.

That whole night was chaotic.

Right after the walk...I handled a D.O.A. type case.....which was located in a stuffy....smelly apartment.

I went to two accidents. One of which was located on the 5th floor of the most TIGHTEST parking structure I ever had the displeasure to drive (or squeeze) my way thru.

I even had to return to the same parking structure to retrieve my FOLDER which I left inside the damaged vehicle.

5 levels of NARROW squeezing HELL.

Basically two non English speaking JAPANESE tourists backed their rental van into a DO NOT REVERSE INTO STALL, parking stall......smashing out the rear window.

I had their phone number, but how do you ask in JAPANESE "Can you please go back to your van, I forgot my folder with ALL my PAPERWORK in your vehicle?"

Not having the answer I placed my leather gloves on and attempted to climb my way in the busted out rear window.

Shards of GLASS rained down on my as I slowly inched my way in.

There was a POOH stuck in RABBITS HOLE type moment as I struggled for a bit and realized there was no way I could fit in the window with all my stuff around my waist.

Backing out..and looking out for curious tourists eager to report a POLICE OFFICER breaking into a car....I removed my GUN BELT and tossed my equipment inside the van.

Like a skilled contortionist... I maneuvered my way to the front of the VAN and retrieved my FOLDER.

As a shortcut I tried to unlock the doors so I wouldn’t have to crawl my way back out the REAR window.

As fate would have it the AUTOMATIC doors did not work.

Not wanting to set off the alarm and draw unwanted attention I gave up on the doors and proceeded to crawl my way back out the REAR window.

As I dashed off in my CAR and exited the parking structure....I held up my FOLDER like a prized JEWEL and silently celebrated.

"Pretty STEALTHY criminal type moves CARAVALHO." I muttered to myself. "In and OUT and no witness(s)."

It wasn't till got to the end of the street when I finally realized I forgot my GUNBELT in the back of the VAN.

.........................................

5 Levels of NARROW SQUEEZING HELL!

Returning late to the station at the end of my shift. I felt PANGS of PAIN on my ASS CHEEKS.

Digging into my boxers I searched for the cause of my DISCOMFORT.

It was at this time two of my FEMALE partners walked behind and caught me in the ACTION of digging my BUTT.

They laughed in unison and asked me what the hell I was doing.

Reaching abit deeper....I discover shards of GLASS in my underwear.

DEATH....EMBARRASSMENT....PAIN.

DESPITE ALL THIS!!

It was still better that hanging with the wanna be GUARDIAN ANGELS of WAIKS!

Till Next Time,

Big Daddy

The Waikiki Aquarium

2007-04-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hello yet again loyal readers,

Ahhhh....I see some of you are probably checking this blog from time to time and kept wondering...WHEN THE F@$# IS HE GONNA POST NEW BLOG!!

Well..... sit right back, cause here we go!

I was gonna call title this BLOG "Vibrator Head....or Dildo Skull....but slowly come to my senses and found it to be in poor taste.

Of course when has that stopped me before.

I decided to go with the rated G title.

As you can see by the choice of the Title of the BLOG there must be some work related Waikiki TYPE topic and your right....I'll get to that later. (As well as the COOCHIE PLEASING CRANIUM.)

Lets touch bases on the HOME FRONT shall we.

THE CARAVALHOZ have new additions to our family.

One likes and CRAP on the carpet and the other takes brisk walks thru the Crime ridden Streets of Kalihi.

The first new family member is, "CHEEPY" our pet chicken.
A stray chicken laid a dozen eggs under our house. Several weeks later...my kids got two new pets.
One of which died...but CHEEPY...that noisy spoiled chic..is still kicking and is getting BIGGER and NOISIER every day.

That brat can't be left be itself...it needs constant company.

If you leave it alone it starts SQUAWKING....nails to the chalkboard kinda stuff.

It can't even sleep outside at night cause it gets scared when the sun goes down and so it sleeps in a rabbit cage in our living room.

Did I tell you I am a psychic.....yup...I surely am.

Cause I see Mcnuggets for CHEEPY's future.

The newest family member is good ole' Cousin Teri. She's a great girl
(No, she does not CRAP on our carpet.)

She is has taken on the MISSION...the deadly assignment...of entering the SECRET CULT...the mysterious family the neighbors all whisper about...."THOSE DAMN CARAVALHOZ".

I forewarned her of our slobbish lifestyle.....but I think she didn't realize the extent of it.

The other day she sat upon a buncha of CHICKEN POOP on the living room floor...she rushed to clean it up...but I sat unmoved and unphased on the sofa and told her, "Relax....its fertilizer for the carpet. "

She has locked her self in her room and hasn't come out since.

Ka'ili and Kinohi have been doing well.

They recently went to a SPRING break program at UH called NA PUA NO'EAU.
It's run by friend and former co-worker, Mr. GREG.

It is the closest they two munchkins have been to a real school...and they had a blast.
The little things like desks(you can put stuff into) and RECESS made them very excited.

One of Kinohi's early lessons was the hand gesture of the MIDDLE FINGER and the meaning there of.

FINALLY SOME REAL EXPOSURE TO THE REAL WORLD!!
Aahhhh...my fragile little protective bubble hermit babies are growing up all to fast.

Ka'ili was Mr. ALOHA, befriending the LADIES.

He held hands with a little girl on a walk with the class.

Later....he even came up with a pet name for her.

THE LITTERER.

When asked why he called the girl THE LITTERER he responded with a story.

Apparently the girl tossed a piece of trash on the ground in front of his MALAMA the AINA, RECYCLE virgin eyes.

Like a STEWARD on an airline jet he informed her that trash receptacles for her rubbish were, "There and There".

So whenever the topic of that girl would come up he would say,..."Eh you know my friend THE LITTERER...she likes my guava juice...she took five sips from my can...THE LITTERER almost drank it all.

A straw was packed in his lunchbag the following day to avoid Ka'ili's monthly BARF fest sickness.

Who knows what kind of germs THE LITTERER has.

Speaking of HEALTH ISSUES...I got one for the Medical Mystery Books.

I call it VIBRATOR head.

Its exactly what it sounds.

For the past six months I have been noticing a tremble/vibration/tremor in my skull.
It normally happens when I am lying down.

It is subtle but with enough force to wake me up at night.

I have been silent about it.... blaming it on construction work or volcanic seismic activity.

The best I can describe it is like sitting on a Massage Chair or like in the Cartoons where a character gets hit with a FRYING PAN and there’s that DONG noise with a blurry shaking type motion. Like that.

I went to see the Doctor the other day concerning my condition and she was stumped.
She told me that it was STRANGE.

I told her "Not as strange as my wife sitting on my head and telling me I'm finally putting my head to some good use."

My wife now plans to change physicians.

Panel of Mother Hens have discussed my conditions and possible treatments.

This Panel of Mother Hens include my wife, my cousin Teri, my MOM,(who has surprised me with a visit for my BDAY, and my mother in law Daryl)
With this kind of WAHINE power the TESTOSTERONE levels has drop considerably in the CARAVALHO Hale.

Ideas for my cure have ranged from psycho therapy, sneaking depression/anxiety medications into my meals and drinks, My MOM sticking rusted sewing needles in my head to alleviate the tension(she is not a practicing acupuncturist mind you), and getting DEEP tissue massages from BIG BURLY massage therapists who will in fact most likely ask me if I want to have a HAPPY ENDING after every session.

If you are not sure what a massage term "HAPPY ENDING" is please refer this question to your most perverted friend or family member.

If I am this person..... than give my cell phone a BUZZ....I will be happy to discuss the term with you.

Now I appreciate all their concern....don't get me wrong....but I'll cross that bridge after I see the results of my BLOOD tests I took last week.

I personally think it’s the strain from the stress at work.

Waikiki makes Hawaii Kai Patrol look like MAYBERRY.

I feel like a Barney Fiff or Roscoe PECO TRAIN in New York City patrol or something.

That’s why I call D6, "The Waikiki Aquarium".....Its like a HUGE TANK with a bunch of fish and coral crammed/stuffed inside and EVERYONES watching you.

Its pretty much non stop activity.

I rarely have any down time. Hawaii Kai you could coast for 2 hours without anyone calling you.

I'll give you a SAMPLE of what one average day was like.

START TIME:
1430- Check out patrol car load it up and head out.

1450- Respond as a secondary Officer to a MOPED vs. Light POST collision on KALAKAUA.
Lady drives FACE FIRST into a light post without braking and looks to be in critical condition.
I was first on scene but being a secondary Officer start on gathering BASIC information and diagraming the scene. Primary officer shows up and I inform him I can assist with Diagram. This Officer explains to me he "GOT IT ALL". After asking him 2 more times, this 2 year in the force Officer states, Eh you wanna do something...go direct traffic."

1545- Respond to a T.R.O. SERVICE type case at the Ala Wai Boat Harbor. Meet with female who wants me to wait for her husband who should be coming on a boat within the hour. She also states she has a GUN in the car with her. Alarm bells go off in head at this point and she informs me that an unknown Officer from Hawaii Kai told her if Husband has access to weapons than the SWAT team has to serve him. This unknown officer informs her "If you want to serve the TRO document quicker than bring the gun to the Officer at the scene." Sure enough a 22 caliber rifle is stuffed in the backseat. I shake my head. Run a quick check and discover the gun is unregistered. I inform the female she could be arrested driving around with an unregistered FIREARM in the car. Female jumps into the car closes the DOOR and begins to CRY/SOB.

1620- Still at the Ala Wai boat Harbor I notice my BEAT PARTNERS park behind the Ilikai to eat dinner....none of them call me to join them. I jump into my patrol car and begin to CRY/SOB.

1630-Call SGT. HARDCASE and inform him about the TRO situation. He decides to come to the scene. LUCKY ME.

1700-SGT HARDCASE and myself make checks at the YACHT club....we go thru a maze of red faced drunken haole sailors who have plenty of WITTY comments for police, (none of which are original) I mean come on people how many times can you hear, "I didn’t do it...HE DID IT......or "Hey Officers, the Donut Buffet line starts in the back area."

1715-Suspect not located.

1720-Seize rifle and begin the grueling process of paperwork at Waikiki Substation.

1800-Argument Call on MY BEAT"The Ilikai Hotel".....cancelled by a beat partner-(Things are looking up)

1820-Beat partner calls me on the phone and wants me to come to the scene..there is a possibly HARASSMENT and TT 2nd arrest, (Things are looking DOWN)

1830- On route to The Ilikai Hotel a FIGHT CALL at The Outrigger Hotel several males fist fighting.

1835- On scene checking the shoreline males have left the area.

1840- Another fight call at a BAR up the street.....reroute to the BAR.

1842-Wonder what food and drink taste like....haven't eaten all day.

1851-Males have left the area reroute back to the Ilikai HOTEL for a possible arrest.

1900-On scene at the Ilikai....The story is this. An older Hawaiian male is staying in of the rooms with his grandkids. Ilikai front desk issues the same room to a 300 pound 6'5 Haole male from the MIDWEST. The big haole man...tired and worn from a long travel day takes the card key, and opens up the room and is surprised to see a family in the room. A captain COOK....King Kamehameha land dispute ensues. Nothing good comes of that mind you. CROSS COMPLAINANTS of harassment and threatening....are made.

2000-Both parties are calmed down and they both finally realize they don't wanna deal with legality issues. CASE is documented. No arrests made.

2001-Seeing mirages of....food.....water......NOPE gotta get back to report writing.

2010-On the way to the substation, one more fight breaks out, and I arrive last on scene. Beat partners separated the parties and they are on there way.

2020- finally get settled in at the substation for report writing.

2100- get call of PARKING complainant on my beat at BEACHWALK.

2115-Arrive on scene.....trying to read numbers on buildings in dim lighted street. ...finally see the vehicle in violation....and my front TIRE BLOWS OUT.

2119-Remain in my vehicle SOBBING/CRYING.

2120- Exit my vehicle and look at the FLAT TIRE. I tap and inspect the tire pretending to know what I'm doing. In case you don't know me.....I can't change a tire to SAVE my life. My hands have the power to create imaginary universes....but the BASIC tire change....that's right...NOT A CLUE.

2125-Sheepishly call SGT. HARDCASE to explain why I am taking so long on a simple parking complainant. He informs me he will respond. Lucky me.

2130-hours SGT. HARDCASE on scene. The two of us yank and pull at the rims trying to locate the LUGNUTS. (I got your lugnuts right here)

2140- Unable to remove rim call my beat partner and ACADEMY classmate ROM who is off on a case.

2150- F.T.O. ROM(my hero) and rider on scene. Takes pry tool from jack and pops off the blue dish sized center piece of the rim in one swift motion....leaving SGT.HARDCASE and myself dumbfounded.

2155- Witty tourist passes by and comments, "Geez how many COPS does it take to change a TIRE."

2156-Multiple gunshots heard on BeachWalk Avenue....Witty tourist hasn't been seen or heard from since.

2210- TIRE CHANGED.... placed in backseat of my car.

2215- Head to the MAIN STATION for PAPERWORK and submittal of my FIREARM.

2310-Head home.....

2340- TURN into HUMAN VIBRATOR.

You gotta love it,

Til next time,

Big Daddy

BRING THE HEAT

2007-03-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Aloha Loyal Readers,

I was at a Theft type case with my good bud and Beat Partner, BIG BEN.

I was telling him about how I'm still feeling my way around and that I am open to other OFFICERs telling me what to do.

He told me "Chris....you gotta start bringing the HEAT."

BIG BEN was referring to the FACT that I need to start taking charge on a scene and that I'm a senior Officer and should step up my game and act like one.

I guess loyal readers I dont have that type of personality. The take charge TYPE personality comes out of me when I am confident and comfortable with what I'm doing.

Imagine going to some ones house and than tell them how they should run it. What you end up doing is rubbing people the wrong way. Thats the closest I can describe how I feel here.

I first gotta FEEL out these people...and see what makes them tick before I can roll up TAKE CHARGE and lead.

BIG BEN is only concerned that the JUNIOR OFFICERS wont respect me and will walk all over me.

I hope that in time they realize my worth and that they know I got their back when the shit hits the fan.

Cause people....this is life and DEATH shit out here.

Speaking of life or Death.

Right off of Kalakaua Ave/Beachwalk Ave...is a store called BERRYS something. Its an upscale store like GUCCI

At about 8:15 pm for no apparent reason,(other than old age), a 50 foot palm tree crashes down across BEACHWALK AVENUE (blocking the lane entirely) and smashes into the store fronts FLAGPOLE which snaps the head of the tree and leaves that part perched ontop the POLE.

The size of the BASE of the coconut tree is pretty HUGE and could have easily WIPED out someone unlucky enough to be in that area at that exact moment.

Now you see in the picture where the Patrol Car is parked. About a half an hour earlier I was sent on a Missing child case near Planet Hollywood(which is across the street)

I parked right there.

A nice 50 foot coconut tree smashing down on my CAR would have definetly ruined my night.

Thankfully no one was killed.

Including me.

That entire workday was filled with all kinds of CHAOS.

I worked in the SECTOR one area which I explained before is everything EWA of SEASIDE AVENUE.

There was a structure fire at the WAIKIKI CIRCLE HOTEL in SECTOR two......which pretty much wiped out the manpower ..do to traffic and pedistrian control...so SECTOR one starts handling SECTOR two's case load.

I get sent to a follow-up on PRINCE EDWARD STREET.

Which is unfortunately near the area they are rerouting all traffic off of KALAKAUA AVE due to the fire.

So I'm sitting in traffic and finally reach an intersection where 2 officers I worked with at CRD are directing traffic.

I tell them I'm trying to get to PRINCE EDWARD street and they tell me to cut up a one way street towards KUHIO AVE. because the street is blocked off anyway.

I zip it up the street and park my car at the intersection of PRINCE EDWARD.

PRINCE EDWARD is a one way street and I notice I got to walk a half a block to get to the building.

An argument call comes on the radio at the PACIFIC MONARCH..A male and female fighting in an apartment and sounds of items being thrown could be heard..the address is like 2300 KUHIO AVE. something..not knowing the location of the fight I decide to keep walking to the follow-up case on PRINCE EDWARD street.

As I walk a few steps, I observe down the street, my former CRD partner jump into his Patrol car and REVERSE his vehicle next to me.

He asks me, "Where are you going?"

Pointing down Prince EDWARD street, I tell him, "A follow-up....I should only takle a few minutes."

He kinda looks at me blankly and I continue to walk towards the follow-up case.

LA LA LA LA LA.

It took a minute to get the manager to open the secured door for me and 4 minutes to talk to the complainant.

Excellent I still can make it to the PACIFIC MONARCH for the Argument call in decent time.

So five minutes later I start walking to my Patrol CAR and see the vehicle my former CRD partner,(the one that asked me where I'm going) is still parked next to my car.

HUH? I thought.

I also notice 2 other patrol cars on the opposite side of the Street.

ZOINKS.

I look up to the huge building which is on the corner of the street I'm on.

In HUGE letters it reads "PACIFIC MONARCH".

INSERT GONG FX.

The PACIFIC MONARCH where the argument was.....was only 30-40 feet away from me.
It was closer to walk to there instead of my stinking FOLLOW-UP case.

When I finally get up there....I feel like an ass...I do alot of apologizing....my POLICE academy classmate ROM is up at the case too....all he can do is GRIN and shake his head.

These type of BONEHEAD moves does not do well for the REPUTATION!!

I need some GINKO and a fresh brewed cup off WAKE THE F@$! UP!!!

Just two more work days....just two more work days.

Till next time,

Big Daddy

PS:
The CATBURGLAR was a real case.
Apparently some FOOL stole this 6 foot stuffed cat and tried to RUN AWAY with it. But how far can you GO.....its a 6 foot FRIGGING CAT!!

The dispatcher nearly was in tears when she made the call over the RADIO.

We catch em at the ALA WAI....the thief was winded and offered no resistance!

The complainant did not wanna press charges....he just wanted an APOLOGY and his CAT back.

Apparently, there is no replacing GOOD PUSSY.

Good night FOLKS!!

CATBURGLAR CAUGHT IN WAIKIKI

2007-03-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

A 6 FOOT FURRY FELINE TERRORIZED TOURISTS IN WAIKIKI LAST NIGHT.
WITNESSES SAY IN BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6:45pm and 7:00pm A SIX FOOT CAT ATTACKED TOURISTS DEMANDING TO BE SCRATCHED ON THE HEAD, CHIN, AND BEHIND THE EARS.

OFFICERS MANAGED TO CORNER THE KITTY NEAR THE ALA WAI CANAL AS IT REFUSED TO JUMP IN THE MURKY WATERS TO MAKE ITS ESCAPE.

THE CAT WAS ARRESTED AND PLACED IN THE TRUNK OF A PATROL CAR WITHOUT INCIDENT.

ONE OF THE OFFICERS AT THE SCENE, A SHAVED HEADED POCHO, APPEARED TRAUMATIZED ABOUT THE WHOLE INCIDENT.

HE WAS STATED SAYING," I THINK ITS THE SIGN OF THE TIMES....YOU KNOW ARMAGEDDON...END OF THE WORLD STUFF....WE GOT A SIX FOOT PUSSY WANDERING THE STREETS DEMANDING TO BE PETTED ON ITS FUZZ...THERE'S DEFINETLY SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON."

THIS SAME OFFICER WAS LATER PLACED UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE AND BEHAVIOR.

MY BRAINS ARE MUSHY

2007-03-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

Aloha Loyal Readers,

Its nice to be on a day off after another 5 day 9 hour work week.

WHEW!

My thoughts are all cluttered. My mind is MUSH.

The contributing factors are Learning my way around Waikiki, Trying to bond with new co-workers, trying to stay out of the CROSSHAIRS of SGT. HARDCASE, trying to RELEARN my investigation skills..add a nice think layer of trying not to get myself killed and you got yourself one heck of a CRAPOLA CAKE!

I mentioned before that Waikiki is split into 2 SECTORS with Seaside AVE. being the border. Sector 1 is labeled as the arrogant...CLICKISH....sector. Sector 2 is labeled as the NEWBEE...LAZY...sector.

I am in the middle of a tug of war scenario......I got friends that work on both sides....The drama is that because I am what is called a SWING officer....I play both sides of the fence. On the positive side is that I get to learn ALL of Waikiki ....you know the ins and outs....on the Negative side is that the different Sectors...trash talk each other and as a SWING officer you are caught in the middle.

When you play on both sides of the fence OFFICERS look at you as a spy.....you see eventually I'm gonna have to choose sides or the BONDING thingee may become a problem.

They’re are good guys and gals on both sides of 1 and 2.

I was touched (not on my privates) the other night.

My partners got a call from dispatch to assist a husband trying to take his wife home from a fun filled night of watching the HONOLULU FESTIVAL PARADE in Waikiki.

The reason HPD was called was because the elderly wife suffered from ALZHEIMERS and didn’t know that was her husband trying to take her home.

It was pitch black near the makai side of Kapiolani Park when I decided to assist as well.

The female was a cute haole grandma wearing a pretty muumuu and decked out for the nights festivities.

The husband was a HWN/HAOLE mix man....sweet guy....just trying his best to reach his wife through the ALZHEIMER fog.

He said the sweetest thing to her, he told her, "Honey its Frank..its me your husband..look how pretty you look....just as beautiful as the day I married you 42 years ago..now, please come in the car and lets just go home"

Despite all this warm affection she wouldn’t budge.

The female officer on the scene was EXTREMELY kind and assuring. She even offered to take the granny home.

She never lost her cool and after over a 30 minutes her persistence finally paid off.

The granny finally settled in the car and drove away with her husband.

AWWWWWWWWWWW.

You don’t hear those NICE stories about COPS now do you.

What else...oh yeah...SGT. HARDCASE didn't ride my ass to hard this week thank GOD!!

I think he is feeling his way as a new supervisor so he is dropping the HAMMER. I hope its not just me.

My PATIENCE was entirely depleted the other day.

As soon as I hit the road I was sent to QUEENS hospital to relieve a DAY OPS arrest.

I arrive and met up with DAY OPS officers. I ask okay who’s the guy. There was two people seated in chairs next to them. The point to this old homeless guy and say, "Him."

The old homeless guy looks like POPEYES daddy PAPPY...white stubbled face...one eye squinted...dressed in a hospital gown...seated in a wheelchair....and soiled in feces and piss.

It gets better.

His legs.....

HOLY MOSES

It didn’t smell like roses.

It looked like a freaky flesh eating disease....red... scaly....and smelled of rotten meat.

There was a nurse near his feet (wearing a mask) and filling a bucket filled with a BACTINE TYPE BUBBLE BATH for his feet.

My stomach sinks to my balls and horror spread across my face as I hear the chuckles from the two officers.

They tell me, "NAH NAH NAH.....it’s the other guy."

I slowly look at the other guy and see that he is wearing handcuffs in the front.

Relief swells in my body and the color rushes back to my face as I talk custody of this 40 yr old ice using local surfer looking dude who is arrested for a 150 warrant.

For the next 3 hours I wait for medications for my arrestee.

It would have been and okay break if not for the SPOILED HAMBURGER HELPER homeless leg smells.....and that the ice head surfer dude would NOT stop talking.

When I finally got the 5 bottles of medications...I took a two of each for myself.

After I dropped the dude of at CRD I feel nauseates, a throbbing headache, and a starving belly...I haven’t eaten at all yet.

There is attempted suicide on my beat I hear over the radio...so I start to make my way there.

Apparently a grumpy granny got sick of life took a STEAK KNIFE too her wrists and a swallowed a buncha pills.

I hit the pedal of my PATROL CAR in hopes of eating the last of her steak and any remainding pills for my headache.

Needless to say I am cancelled by my partners and I am re routed by dispatch to an AUTO THEFT RECOVERY(Just a fancy name for finding a stolen carparked somewhere..with no suspect inside). This car was taken from a house that was BURGed and the criminal took the car keys off the hook.

This is the part where my patience meter drops BELOW E.

The CHEVY BLAZER is parked in a small tight underground parking structure. I find myself ducking in some areas. The parking structure smells of fumes and urine....kinda like C.R.D.

I inform dispatch to call the registered OWNER.

A ½ an hour goes by and they can't track em.

I tell them to roll a TOW WAGON.

Seeing how the PARKING STRUCTURE is so small I ask for the TOW COMPANY's phone number and inform them to bring a small truck.

2 hours pass and the TOW finally comes. The TOW guy says he had to turn around halfway here because he heard the garage is to tight.

He takes a look at the garage and at the BLAZER and shakes his head.

The TOW truck wont fit.

He slim jims the lock and makes his way in. The ALARM goes off for 10 friggin minutes and with my headache the alarm sounds like a front row seat in a CHURCH BELL TOWER.

He looks over the ignition and says, "The steering wheel is locked I cant move this car without damaging the ignition/steering column (all I hear is blah blah blah cause my head is ringing)."

My only hope is to try to reach the R.O. for an extra set of keys. I personally call the number several times.

I ask my partner to go to the residence to see if the R.O. is home.
2 and a half hours pass. And he calls me on CELL and informs me the R.O. is on a trip and there is a lady who is house sitting in his apartment.

She doesn’t wanna authorize to damage her friends car so she keeps calling the R.O who is in the mainland but is not answering his FRIGGN PHONE.

This lady is helpless she doesn’t know what to do.

Finally almost 3 hours pass and I tell her get a LOCKSMITH and get down here.

She asks, "Well ,which LOCKSMITH should I go through?"

I tell her, "I don’t got the yellow pages, you have to make the CALLS......just get down her fast!"

She tells me, " I don’t have a ride."

I tell her to take a TAXI.

She calls me back and says the LOCKSMITH will pick her up.

After 4 hours of the babysitting job from hell....she rolls up with an asian LOCKSMITH.

She asks if she is in any danger...and what should she do.

I say well Obviously you cant park it at the apartment cause the suspect still has the keys to the car.

"Than what am I supposed to do with the car?" she asks.

I do a silent sigh and say, "Well maybe you can buy a club or
park it away from the apartment...maybe in a secured parking structure.".

I quickly gather the paperwork and turn the vehicle over to her. I proceed to peel outta there in search of FOOD and a sledge hammer for my head.

She calls me 2 minutes later on my cell phone and says," Officer don’t you wanna look at the stuff the car?"

I say, "Uhhh no....for what......?"

Miss CSI says...."Well maybe you'll find a lead...to catch the suspect."

I say look , "I dusted for prints I did a quick search in the car.....if anythings amiss you need to contact the R.O. first...he'll know whats missing or not."

But she blubbers on for several minutes about leads and such....I finally tell her my battery of my CELL phone is dying...so I gotta go.

I wasted 4 hours of my life...trying to SORT out this mess and to THINK for her... and she wants to tell me how to do an INVESTIGATION!!!

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

I finished the rest of my tour of on patrol with no food and no Patience!!

Thankfully my wife stayed up till 11:00pm and cooked me up a HEART STOPPING meal of BAKED CHICKEN, SPAM, and Lil SMOKIES!!!

YEEEEEHAAAW!!

Anyhoot.

I got my first WELCOME BACK TO PATROL arrest! (insert TRUMPET soundFX)

That’s right I gets a call over the radio about a DISORDERLY lady going bananaz on the City BUS. Apparently attacking some of the passengers.

Dispatch calls me on the radio and says,"Proceed to the bustop on KUHIO and HUMANAHUMANAHUMANA"

(well That’s what I heard).

I answer back, "UHHHH can I get that spelling for that cross street?"

Meanwhile about 4 cops cars ZOOOOOOOOM past me ....... so I drop my pen and paper and follow at TOP SPEED....SIREN WAILING and BLUE LIGHTS FLASHING.

Thankfully they weren’t heading to eat LUNCH because I arrive on SCENE seconds behind them.

I step out my car and see a bus full of frightened tourists, (who don’t wanna press any charges) an old M.O. lady making a brisk get away (more like an old lady shuffle) and two beat partners snatching her up.

My Partners attempt to seat her on a park bench and POW....she socks one right in the chest.

Damn that old gal still had a lota SPUNK!!!

So it was a BOOK THE M.O. DANNO!!

Speaking of M.O.'s .........they have em in abundance in Waikiki.

Working the Waikiki substation the other day I ran across my first one.
He managed to slip under my M.O. radar.

A haole man late 20's with a nice shaven haircut explained to me that he is a victim of many violent crimes.

In the past six months he has been robbed, beaten, and sold as a slave into a huge HUMAN TRAFFICKING RING in Hawaii.

I tell him, "Wow That’s a rough 6 months...if all that happened to me I would move outta Hawaii."

He tells me with a serious tone, "It doesn’t matter because the government has my replaced my eyes with video cameras and tracking devices.....they'll just find me again."

I give him the number to CRIMESTOPPERS and sent him merrily along his way.

ALL that in a WEEK.......you see why my HEAD IS MUSHY!!!

Til next time,

Big Daddy

Wobbly Patrol Legs

2007-03-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

Aloha Loyal Readers,

I survived the first 5 days back at patrol.

Barely.

Folks if you ever did PATROL there are PROS and cons.

Lets start with the CONS.

The reason I left patrol in the first place was because I had an overbearing, bully of a supervisor.

We called her SGT. MANO. She was in the Domestic Violence detail for several years and when she came to us in Hawaii Kai patrol we were her first officers she had to supervise.

You couldn't reason with her cause regardless, she was always right.

There were many situations I was in when she would roll up on the scene and would make a BAD situation 10 times worse.

She had a Donald DUCK type personality.

She would yell and scream at everyone on the scene.

Suspects, complainants, victims....little kids.

It was ridiculous.

She treated me with much disrespect and would yell, scream and belittle me in front of whoever was in earshot.

Having that type a personality...following you around on cases...hiding in bushes asking where you are and trying to catch you in a lie...was insane.

It was distracting and stressful and my patrol work suffered.

I managed to put up with it for a year. But alas after that I transferred back to CRD.

I was there for almost 4 years. That’s a High school term.

Back to patrol I am relearning and trying to reabsorb all the new ins and out of how D6 runs Waikiki.

It is no easy task.

There is a new SGT......lets call him SGT.HARDCASE.....who reminds me of SGT.MANO.

The irony of it all is that he worked in the Domestic Violence Detail for 14 years and we are his first officers he has had to supervise.

Sounds familiar.

It gets better.

He knows and has worked with SGT. MANO.

I don’t know the extent of their relationship but all it takes in this department is letting a friend know you have a grudge against someone.....and a persons work life can be screwed.

MANO knows I didn't like her. So as you can see I may have been put into an uncomfortable situation once more.

Several nights ago I was in a dead spot with my partner.....his radio was dying and mine couldn't catch.

Apparently Dispatch tried calling me 3 times. If you have cool beat partners they would try to call you at this point to inform me to answer my radio. The rest of the SECTOR does not know me well enough I guess.

Missing the radio calls is a big NO NO. The LT. calls SGT HARDCASE and HARDCASE attempts to call me on the radio.

I don’t hear or answer him.

Finally some one comes on the radio and takes the case they are trying to send me too.

Gee thanks.

15 minutes later I get a not so Pleasant Call on my Cell Phone...sounding abit like Donald Duck...overbearing, accusatory.....aww the memories. HARDCASE is pissed.

My stomach sinks.

I don’t make excuses I just apologize.....3 times

He rants for 2 minutes.

Dispatch calls me again and I quickly answer.

I am sent to an accident scene where the drivers are arguing.

I roll that way but am cancelled by a beat partner. I still respond.

The accident takes up most of KUHIO so I park my vehicle out of traffic in a HOTEL lobby turn around area.

As I was about to step out of my car, HARDCASE calls me on the radio....what’s your 5?(my location)

I tell him the accident on Kuhio.

The radio goes silent.

Once again I try to step out of my car and who rolls up on the side.

HARDCASE.

He rants again.

I apologize....3 more times.

This concerns me, cause like I said before I do not work well under these type of conditions.....In police work....The JOB is stressful enough...the addition of having to worry about your SGT. jumping down your throat all the time is EXTRA Weight.

The D6 officers don’t know this Sarge cause he is new.....like me...but suggest maybe he is coming down HARD, but in time, he will lighten up.

I tell them ...yeah That’s probably it.

Yesterday I get sent to 2 males doing drugs in the pavilion on Kalakaua Ave.

Folks let me just say...BIG BROTHER is indeed watching.

Waikiki is monitored by several video surveillance cameras.

Security guards work at a console located inside the Waikiki Substation.

So before you prance around in the sand with your thongs to work on your tan lines....be sure to get a bikini WAX.

Cause they got ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

You hear me.

So this security guard sees these 2 males appear to be doing drugs. This particular over eager security guard wants to be promoted to HPD DETECTIVE..catch my drift....he always calls us for weird things.

My partner and I roll up on these males. I see one smoking what appears to be a joint. I walk downwind to see if I can SMELL the Pakalolo.....I don't. I do the stop and talk the younger one has an attitude with us...but I manage to defuse it quickly.

As I'm getting the guys info...I see HARDCASE walking up.....needless to say he goes Donald DUCK on the suspect.

DE JA VU.

At that point there was no need for it but he gave him the ..."You were doing drugs...just say it....DON’T mess around in Waikiki....I'll make your life a living HELL " type speech.

In the end they had no visible DRUGS on them but was taken to jail for outstanding warrants.

As I drove back to the Substation my stomach began sinking as I began pondering if I made another mistake being here.

I will ride it out for as long as I can.

Okay .....I have no doubt left yo with the same sick feeling I had so lets top this off with a CHEERY STORY.

On my first day I was greeted by my new beat partner, BIG BEN.

Now BIG BEN is MR. ALOHA who seems to know everyone or is related to everyone. He is 6'5 tipping the scales near 270-280lbs.

We have similar backgrounds as well. HWN/PORTAGEE with Roots that go deep in KOHALA, BIG ISLAND.

I have had the pleasure to work with him for about 1 ½ years at CRD, from 99 thru 2000. It was good times....that guy is one FUNNY bastard....with stories for days. If he wrote blogs you all would be dying from laughter.

Thankfully I get to work with him again.

Waikiki is divided into 2 parts Sector 1 which is everything EWA of Seaside Ave. and Sector 2 which is everything KOKO head side of Seaside avenue. The sectors are than broken down into beats.

I work as a swing Officer primarily for Sector 1 but will fill in at Sector 2 as needed.

So I ask to shadow BIG BEN to show me all the HOT SPOTS or places of interest.

He agrees.

What does he do....straight to the PLACES that TAKE CARE of the boys in blue......yah know...the drinks and food action.

Where to get the meal/drink is the #1 most important spots to know.

Wait I take that back.....actually knowing where a clean bathroom is at #1.

The disadvantages of placing 2 portagees in the same sector is that you are bound for trouble.

It is a given.

We were at a traffic complainant and were making checks to see who the owners of the illegally parked cars were. A HOT call came over the radio and we informed dispatch we were proceeding.

Like the POCHO dynamic duo we raced to our cars, ready for action.

Seated in the patrol car I looked over to the passenger seat and saw a bag that was not my own.

The dim light in my head warmed up to 25 watts.

I stepped out of the vehicle and walk over to BIG BEN who was seated in the other PATROL CAR.

I opened his car door and told him, " I better use my CAR instead."

He looked at me puzzled for a moment and than shakes his head and laughs.

I laugh as well and inform him ,"Well it’s a good thing we didn't try to start the PATROL cars with the wrong keys."

Pulling out the key which was jammed tightly into his ignition he answers with a sly grin, "Yup good thing."

Folks it is a miracle I have survived this week.

Big Daddy

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!!

2007-02-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

Hello Loyal Readers,

Okay its official...I'm going back to patrol.

This BLOG is a Warning ...if anything.....if you are ever cruising the mean streets of Waikiki...between the hours of 2:30pm thru 11:00pm....and you notice a pair of BLUE LIGHTS flashing behind you.....pull over immediatly...remove your under garments...and wave it on a stick out the window.

YEEEEHAW!!

Easy there guys and gals....I dont really wanna arrest half dressed Family members and friends....so disregard the above paragraph.

I start my next tour of duty on Wednesday the 28th. I'll be on the THIRD WATCH.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I scramble to refind my PATROL LEGS.

Cause believe me folks I'm gonna be one lost MOFO out there.

This is my second to the last day here at CRD.

I'm leaving on a bitter sweet note.

I'm leaving behind a semi safe work enviorment(only got punched once), a great morning schedule(As good as 5/9 gets), great SGT's and LT's(for the most part), and an EXCELLENT group of partners.

The guys and girls of CRD are TOP NOTCH and it has been my sincere pleasure to work in their company.

Much Mahalo to all of them for working so HARD and for helping to keep me safe at the CELL BLOCK.

The bitter part of course like I mentioned before was the Lack of Manpower and our current Big(Egotistical) Boss.

When it gets to a point, of not enjoying what you are doing, than it is time to move on.

My time is now.....I am hopeful....wish me well.

Finally loyal readers I would like to thank all of you.

Having an outlet to VENT my daily bitching....my TRIUMPHS.....my depressing LOWS......has been very theraputic.

Thank you for sharing the LOAD with me.

As I leave the creaky, urine smelly, dungeon of CRD I think of the many memories I made here.

Damn it was fun.

This chapter maybe over.

But if you stick with me Loyal Readers..if you continue to ROLL wit'me.....

I guranFRICKINtee you many more ADVENTURES are on the way.

MAHALO NUI LOA,
Big Daddy

Kikis World

2007-02-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Hello again Loyal Readers,

I wanted to share my daughters artwork with you all. Its pretty awesome......but thats a Daddy opinion.

Kinohi has been confined to her room for a few days...a self exile type action. In this time she has drawn many pictures and is currently writing a story. She is a very Creative Busy Bee.

Enjoy the ART,

Big Daddy

C&H SUGAH

2007-02-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Aloha and salutations Loyal Readers,

I have been, out of touch, under the radar, low-pro, under cover brother with a different mother and...well you get the idea.

Quite frankly I have lots on my mind.

I have made a move in my Career at the department.

The decision did not come lightly.

I have decided to go back to patrol.

With the downsizing of CRD from 17-18 officers to 9-10 on a daily...you really feel the impact of the workload.....granted some days are easier than others...but the point for me being is that when you double or triple your responsibilities there is more room for mistakes.....and it INCREASES your liability.

It shows no sign of improving so I felt it was time to move on.I put in for the Waikiki area and also the Kapolei Cellblock.

If I get moved to Waikiki and if I land the THIRD WATCH, like I'm hoping to do, than I will be with many EX-CRD officers. It will make the transition back to PATROL work easier. There is no OT in Waikiki....because they are fully staffed at 100% manpower.The biggest CON is getting moved into the sector of Waikiki which are known for being lazy....because no matter how hard you strive to work hard...you are still labeled.

If I get moved to the Kapolei Cellblock, than its pretty much what I’m doing right now.....only less workload and the assistance of hired civilian workers. There’s OT in this place.The bigger CON is the commute to Kapolei....from Kalihi driving my truck..will take about 30-40 minutes, one-way, daily.

I put the 2 choices down cause I personally could not decide what is best. So I’m letting the will of GOD or fate decide.Come the last week of February I should be in an entire new place.

Wish me luck.

In my family life, all is well.

Kinohi now has BRACES...or an ICE GRILL....the first few days were touch and go....lotta pain....lotta Advil.....but she is coming around. I think her biggest complaint is not being able to eat POPCORN.

Ka'ili is still doing his thing.....not vomiting mind you....but he has been sneezing. Yup and he’s still interested in solider life and stories.

In fact every evening he BEGS.....BEGS....BEGS.....for bedtime stories of battles and wars.It has become a ritual of sort and to date I think I've pretty much discussed the all famous U.S. wars such as the REVOULTINARY, CIVIL ,WORLD WAR 1 and 2.....to name a few.

With lights out, and each kid nestled in their respective area on their BUNKBED, I cuddle up with the little man on the bottom bunk and tell stories of BLOOD ,GUTS and Fierce Battles.

They really get into it.

Currently I'm a bit low on the War Story Department....so I gotta really reach for a Topic now.

Anyway so last night I decide to discuss how I believe Americas Advanced Weapons and Technology stemmed from discovering a UFO.

Thus the story of ROSWELL comes up.I go into brief detail about the incident and the kids remain quiet. So quiet that I wonder if they fell asleep.

When I finish the Roswell story it reminds me of another one...which regards Alien Abduction.

I tell them about Travis Walton Incident.

For those of you who don’t know Walton’s story....in a nutshell it is a story about a man who gets abducted by aliens in the presence of his co-workers up in the mountains of Apache SitgreavesNational Forest.

His co-workers got accused of foul play when they return back into town without Walton.....but they claim their innocence saying, "The aliens took him. "The co-workers even manage to pass several lie detector tests.

In any event several days later Walton is returned and informs the public he in fact had been taken by little light bulb headed creatures, with black dead eyes, and tiny gaping mouths.

Of course Kaili is now wide eyed and petrified.He tells me..."That story is too scary" and he turns away from me and quickly covers his head with a pillow.

He refuses to talk to me any further.

I can also tell that Kinohi "The Crucifix" is equally terrified. Because she even asks me to leave a light on before I go.

If you know Kinohi's sleep habits than you know that is an unusual request.....cause that girl can't sleep well unless she has a total BLACKOUT room.

She even has a NIGHTSHADE mask. So for her to ask for some illumination at bedtime ...is unheard of.

"Dad?" she asks me.

"Yes" I answer as I make my way to their bedroom door.

"Will the Aliens come here?"

I tell her with all sincerity..."Of course not.....they like the WOODs not the HOOD."

Kinohi looks at me blankly...not looking very reassured.

Switching off the light, I tell them both to go to bed, and promptly left the room.

I have a sneaky suspicion I will get no requests for bedtime stories any time soon.

But Loyal Readers I will give you a quick one.

A True Tale of Terror.

Several weeks back a suspect was brought into our cellblock.

She was a Waianae country girl.

Racial profile aside....she had the real, "Tita Action" going on...you know....toothless..duece half in size...full on pidgin...Hawaiian jewelry.....a real winnah.

Anyway she was brought into the search area near the property counter.

Now for legal issues male officers are not allowed to search females.....makes sense...of course I often wish that was the case for SHEMALES to.

But until we get a SHEMALE officer I suppose we have to make do.

Anyway as I was preparing the fingerprint cards at the counter a female officer began to conduct the search on the TITA.

The Tita is asked to spread her feet and place her hands against the wall. Midway thru the search I turn around to discover that the officer is focused the search near the CROTCH/BOTTOM area.

She gives me a "Hmmmm I think I found something" look.

Now normally in our line of business this is an alert that...drugs or possibly weapons are being felt.

I stop what I’m doing and watch carefully.

The female officer asks, "What’s this hard thing here?" Simultaneously she grabs the waist line area of the Titas pants and gives it a good SHAKE.

My keen observation skills notice a white powdery substance fall to the ground like grains of sand.

Uh-oh here comes the felony!!

The female officers notices the white sandy stuff and scoops some up in the tips of her finger and rubs the substance."Hey....what the hell is this?" she asks the Tita.

"Oh sistah...that’s only sugar." the Tita responds casually

"Yeah Right" I mutter aloud.

The female officer looks at the powder closer......than looks at me.. "Hey ...I think.....it is sugar."

I kinda just stand there speechless.

The female officer shakes the Titas pants and more white powder falls to the ground."Why the hell you got sugar packed all in your panties?" she asks the detainee.

"For da boys." she answers.

I quickly dislike where this conversation is going and fell my stomach sinking rapidly.

"What do you mean for the boys?." the female cop asks.

The Tita answers with a wide toothless grin, "You know when the Punani gets all hot and sweaty......the sugar gives of a sweet fragrance...da boys love dat."

I quickly wince my eyes in pain and make a mental note to skip both lunch and dinner based on that visual.

I kinda wish it had been drugs.

Of course the song, "My SUGAR WALLS" by Sheila Easton now makes perfect sense to me.

Til the next disturbing time,
Big Daddy

BANNED from BOYSCOUTS

2007-01-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hello once again Loyal Readers,

Yo Yo Yo check it out.....its my first official BOY SCOUT patch!! Yup the parents who attended the SCHOFIELD ARMY DAY got one too.

Although I think maybe it will be my first and last patch.

I had an minor altercation with 3 BOY SCOUTS yesterday.

Before you all judge me on what a bully I am...allow to explain.

For the past 2 days I have been scheduled as CELLBLOCK Officer.

Now you hear me always tell you what a Hellish place the CELLBLOCK can be.
2 back to back days of BABY sitting 80-90 detainees over a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG 3 day weekend will break the strongest of minds.

The smells of urine, feces and B.O.,the threats of bodily harm, the verbal threats of lawsuits,the screams of madness, the pounding of cell doors, and the occasional rumble with uncooperative individuals.

It has been one of those weekends thus far where all of the above has happened.

It has made me edgy to say the least.

On the day this BOY SCOUT altercation occurred I got off of work at about 1430 hours.

I managed to squeeze in a quick "STEAM" releasing workout at the Main Station and made it home to on time to take my son to his meeting.

If you haven’t seen my spawn in his Cub Scout outfit...I will say with all sincerity that he looks very SHARP!!

Navy blue shorts, collared shirt with an assortment of patches, bright yellow ascot, snappy cap, uniformed socks and a spiffy belt.

Since his "SPIFFY BELT" is the focal point of this altercation I believe it bears a better description than just "spiffy".

My son isn’t exactly what they call "BIG-BONED".
Why... when I was his age I wore a training bra to keep my puffy pink pre teen boy boobs nice and perky. My son on the other hand does not have that same mutant OBESE gene.

In fact I always expect a visit from CPS to inform me that are son needs to be removed from our household because of neglect and malnutrition.

The point being people is that he is on the THIN SIDE. I am not making fun of my sons size....believe me, I'm just jealous. If I had his metabolism back in the day than maybe I wouldn’t have had to felt the embarassment of being the only Elementary Kid attending Weight Watchers meetings for OVER WEIGHT adults.

But that is niether here or there. And is a memory stored in my "THINGS I WANT TO FORGET" closet.

Anyway, this SPIFFY BELT is part of his uniform and it cost a pretty penny. Its navy blue material is joined together with a square GOLD EXTERIOR WOLF EMBLEM buckle. It doesn’t have the normal hook and holes a normal belt would have. Instead this contraption has complex slide and pull contraption that would have a RUBIKS CUBE champion placing a pistol in his mouth.

As you may recall this very buckle gave me much difficulty in the LATRINE incident.

The buckle however is not the center of the incident... rather it is the SIZE.

Because of Ka'ili's Skeletor frame the belt wraps around him like a python. The result of which gives him a 12 inch tail, which if not tucked correctly, will hang from the small of his back... to slightly past his buttock region.

My son is with the WOLF pack with several other kids his age. Every so often several other TROOPS (some younger...some older) will join in a LARGER BOY
SCOUT MEETING. The meeting is held in a SHACK the size of a modest apartment.

My son hasn’t quite bonded with other members of his TROOP so he tends to drift about like a LONER. Despite this he still has TONS O FUN.

Chairs were lined up in several rows. The BOY SCOUTS file in the first 2 rows. The parents, mostly MOMS, fill in the 3rd or back row.
I decided to seat myself, despite one of the Golden Rules of the "WHAT NOT TO DO!" WEIGHT WATCHERS LIST near the snack table. My son, used to lots of affection, attempts to sit on my lap.

I inform my boy to find a place with the other BOY SCOUTS.

With a slight protest he finds a seat in the front. He is separated from his WOLF PACK and is near the BIG BOYS section. Directly behind him were 3 older, larger, wiser, and more experienced BOY SCOUTS.

These older boys wore BOY SCOUT issued uniforms of drab Tan and barf Olive. The material for the ascots and hats are an ugly plaid design that resembles a Picnic Blanket. Despite looking like absolute fashion freaks they still think of themselves as HOT SHIT.

My son sat attentively on a metal folding chair unaware of all that occurred next.

The Boy SCOUT Leader stood in the front and began to pass out Patches Earned.

It didn’t take long for these older boys to get bored. As soon as their attention span expended they drifted their complete and undivided attention to the sight of Kaili's 12 inch belt tail, which, once again had managed to slip out of the loops of his trousers.

The biggest one, seated directly behind my son, grabbed a hold of the end of Ka'ili's belt. This action gave way to silent snickers from the other two hoodlums.

My PARENT PROTECTOR MODE was activated but I remain seated for the time being.

The bigger one released the belt for a moment. The other two boys began a silent "PULL IT..PULL IT" type chant. The bigger boy, much to my surprise, shook his head in a NO type protest. Apparently he realized it was the WRONG thing to do.

I sat quietly watching all this a little stunned.

A spark of HOPE warmed my heart. Maybe the next generation of kids weren't all BRATS and BULLIES.

My belief of PEACE ON EARTH GOODWILL TOWARD MEN was quickly shattered.

Apparently the RIGHT thing to do cannot compete with the PERISTANT "PULL IT!" PROMPTING of two friends.

The temptation was to much.

With a wide devilish grin the bigger boy latched on to Ka'ilis belt once again.

Foolish boy.

It appeared to me that the big boy wanted a little bit more of the belt in his hand. So he grabbed Ka'ili's chair and pulled it closer to him.

Kaili still sat there quietly............. oblivious to what was happening.

The big boy had been successful with his actions and now had a perfect grip of Ka'ilis belt to do with as he pleased.

I didn't give him that chance.

I abruptly stood up and made my way to the giggling goons. I could see from my peripheral vision that I gained the attention of some other SCOUTS and parents.

Leaning my 6 foot 230 pound frame towards them I whispered, "I got a belt if you want to play with it?"

The boys sat shocked and unable to talk in first. I could see some of the Moms in the third row looking at me with unsure...curious type looks.

The bigger one finally asked, "What?"

I proceeded to lift my shirt slightly and exposed my belt.

"I said...I got a belt if you want to play with it?" I repeated in a raised whisper.

The boys looked at each other with a puzzled fearful type expressions.

The bigger finally answered, "Uh....no."

With my angry eyebrows arched I said pointing to Kailis belt, "Than DON'T play with his!!"

I stood there for a moment making sure my point was made. As they lowered there heads in shame I made my way back to my seat(near the snack table) giving them the stink eye.

They didn't bother Ka'ili again.

After the meeting I went home and immediately informed my wife about the incident.

I got the, "What the hell are you DOING terrorizing Young Boys" speech.

She also wanted an re-enactment on exactly what I did.

I went through the motions...walking towards her... leaning my body....whispering my witty lines...raising my shirt exposing my belt.

When I got to this portion of the re-enactment she interrupted me.

Pointing at my waistline she stated, "Your not even wearing a BELT!"

.......................................

Okay.

That would explain the puzzled looks.

In fact the more I think about it....as I raised my shirt....I believe the Moms seated in the back row may have thought I was whispering.
"Hey I got some balls if you want to play with it."

Regardless of any good intentions I may have had to protect my son from bullies, my wife has now BANNED me from further BOY SCOUT meetings/functions.

Now if you will excuse me…I have to look for my BELT.

Big Daddy

HEAD TO TOE

2007-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Loyal Readers,

"Today started with a crazy KISSSS on our way home."

Actually it didn't........ but I love that song.

No this story is far more sinister....

Before I tell you all the story I would like to inform you what’s going on with my life in 2007 thus far.

Private First Class Ka'ili CARAVALHO is sick...AGAIN!!!
Every since our return home its seems every other week he catches a cold/or is barfing.

WTF!!

Besides strapping on a Malo and splashing him with Ti leaves I really don’t know what to do.

Of course when my son is SICK than my precious OCD daughter becomes bombarded with worries and anxieties.

So the HOMEFRONT gets really stressful.

The result of having STRESS at home....I transform into a moody ASS....yeah I'll admit it.

I MOPE around the house...I become irritable.....I become absolutely no FUN to be around with.
My family’s health and happiness shouldn’t totally determine my MOOD...but quite frankly it does.

I think it has to do a quite deal with CONTROL.

Although I don’t consider myself a full on CONTROL FREAK!!!

To an extant maybe................let me explain.

In my LIFE....WORK.....HOME.....(like everyone in this world), I am confronted with problems.
Most of my problems.....can be fixed...it just takes some time to sort thru it.

BUT there are some problems that CAN'T be fixed..for instance..my son's HEALTH and my daughter's OCD.

They are physical and mental internal battles.

These are problems that I CANT HELP FIX.....I CANT HELP PROTECT...I CANT CONTROL!!

I just have to sit on the sidelines.....and fret.

This DRIVES ME MENTAL!!

So when they do divert from there normal joyous selves...and transform into...yah know...BARFING BOY and OCD GIRL....I become A-HOLE MAN.

My wife puts up with it...barely.....when I turn into A-HOLE MAN I see her secretly packing my bags and filling out her portion of the divorce paperwork.

She thinks I don’t see her....but I do.

What a family......what cruel joke the universe displayed when fate brought together a boy that BARFS at the drop of a dime....a girl with OCD whose number one fear is VOMIT.....and a bi polar DAD who goes bananas each time this cycle of sickness happens.

Even with the UPS and DOWNs they are still MY FAMILY......I love em to death!!

There are a FEW positive things that comes out of me going BANANAs. Sometimes the house will get cleaned or I may complete a creative project.

It is a huge hurdle for me when I divert this negative energy into something positive. Such as CLEANING or DRAWING. I think it goes back to me being in CONTROL of the UNIVERSE for just that small amount of time to complete a task.

It also offers a good distraction and is less expensive than therapy or medication.

Personally my wife would rather me put down my feather duster or drawing pen and swallow a CHILL PILL and simultaneously talk to DR. PHILL PHILL..............yah hear me!!!

Speaking of the wifeski......and my HEAD to TOE topic.

I am plagued with very vivid dreams and horrifying nightmares. I chalk it up as one of the disadvantages of having an over active imagination.

As you can tell from my last BLOG entry my dreams can be sometimes quite amusing.

Such was my dream several weeks ago.

In my dream world I was working Security for an ART Museum. The 3 story building was similar to the Hawaii State Capitol, only quite smaller.

I was making my rounds when I was alerted to a sound.

BRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAP

WTF

I quickly made my way around the gallery trying to locate this disturbing noise.

BRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAP

As I reached the third floor I could see the KEYPAD to the museums ALARM SYSTEM.
I approached the control device and discovered that no alarms had been triggered. The noise didn’t sound like an alarm but I began to punch in the code anyway.

I must have punched in that code a dozen times but the sound continued.

BRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAP

No it wasn’t the alarm. What in Gods green earth was that blaring ear bleeding NOISE.

As I woke up from the dream and gained my bearings I discovered the source.

Several inches from my face was my wife’s gaping mouth.

BRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAAAAAAP

She was snoring loud enough to wake the dead.

In a similar story one of which some of you have heard...but since its amusing...I gotta beat the dead horse once more....so here goes.

In my dream I was walking up a sheer Cliffside.

Ice, stone, and green grass covered the side of the mountain.

A very REEEEECOLA type atmosphere.

As I hiked my way up the mountain I was confronted by a RAM.

I wasn't frightened really....it wasn't fierce...and it allowed me to approach it without running away.

I began to pet this magnificent creature on its head...than I proceeded to stroke its mighty circular HORNS.

It felt dry, chalky, cracked, and rough to touch.

I awoke in my bed near my wife’s feet petting her calloused heels.

GADZOOKS

Well......I am quite sure after my wife reads this she will have my packed bags on the front porch with my portion of the divorce paperwork completed and my signature forged.

Have a great WEEKEND!!

Big Daddy

PS: If any of you got a spare room at your house for me....... HOLLAH!

M.O. Nightmares

2006-12-31T09:44:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years Eve Loyal Readers,

I just wanted to drop in one more BLOG before 2007 BITCH SLAPS us all in the face....so here goes.

Several nights ago I had a nightmare.

In this dream I found my self wandering around the streets of an upscale neighborhood at night. The area looked like a rich neighborhood in San Francisco.

I was fully clothed in the dream and for some reason was carrying a large jar of loose change.

As I continued to walk I began to notice vehicles pass me by. As I looked inside these vehicles I noticed something that HORRIFIED me!!

The drivers and passengers of these automobiles were mutant PIG PEOPLE.
They stared at me with dead expressionless black eyes and some squealed as they drove past.

I looked around frantically for normal people....possibly the police...to assist me in finding out what the hell was going on.

Finding no normal people around I realized the fate of the world was in my hands.

The PIG PEOPLE must be destroyed.

I charged into traffic and decided on a course of action. I needed a weapon to kill these beasts.

It was at that time I was convinced that my loose change would mystically transform into grenades if I tossed it into the vehicles windows.

So there I was screaming at the PIG PEOPLE and tossing pennies into the passing cars. There were no explosions and I was getting frustrated that my plan to kill them was failing. The PIG PEOLPLE would slow down there cars, give me funny looks, QUICKLY roll up their windows, and continue on there merry way.

THOSE SONS OF BITCHES.

Within 5 dream time minutes the police arrived on the scene.
They approached me cautiously and asked me If I needed help.

I screamed, "Of course I do you don’t see the PIG PEOPLE...someone’s gotta kill them!!"

I continued with the change tossing.....darting in and out of traffic. The cops tried their best to keep me surrounded and contained. Apparently trying to figure out what to do with me.

At this time I noticed that coming up the street was a large yellow school bus.

The MOTHERLOAD!

It was FILLED with PIG PEOPLE!!

I tossed the change frantically towards the windows.
Instead of rolling up the windows....they all began to roll DOWN the windows. They were squealing with delight.

Puzzled by their demeanor I took a look at my hands and realized I was now throwing quarters instead of pennies.

I screamed, "Oh so now you wanna open your windows when I throw quarters but not for the pennies....that pisses me OFF!!
I punched the side of the bus HARD as it drove past me leaving a large dent on the exterior.

The POLICE charged in and a large Mexican officer stated, "All right buddy now your coming with us!!"They tackled me down and I was placed in handcuffs in the front of my body.

I was escorted.... not to the back of a POLICE CAR... but to a large chain.

The chain stretched for miles....further than my eyes could see. The officers clipped me to this chain and fastened my handcuffs in such a way to that I could walk freely and slide along the length of the chain.

Kinda like those people who repel off the sides of buildings and SLIDE down the rope.

They informed me that the Police station was located at the opposite end of the chain so I better start walking.

Being uncooperative...I refused.

They didn’t give me a beat down. Instead an Officer led a Donkey past me and the animal was also connected to the large chain. The officers tied a rope on the donkey and brought the other end to me and fastened it around my waist.

The Mexican Officer from earlier slapped the donkeys rear and it began to move...slowly toward the station. I lumbered behind thinking of a plan to escape.

The officers did not follow us but instead, (like all officers do after an arrest), stood around and talked story.

I glanced around for some sort of way to get out of this predicament.

It was at that moment I noticed that my BAG was lying on the street in front of me. About 20 feet to my left.

Of all the LUCK.

I knew inside my bag I had my KEYS.
On my keys. I carry a set of HANDCUFF keys.

The rope offered abit of slack so I could deviate just enough so that I could reach my bag.

When the opportunity came....I tried my best to casually walk towards it...and thinking I went unnoticed.... I quickly grabbed it up off the ground.

Suddenly,I heard a shout from one of the cops who yelled, "Hey whattayah think your doing!!"

I heard the many footsteps of police officers rushing towards me and I frantically yanked my keys out my bag.

In my haste my key chain broke and all my keys spilled to the ground. I felt the officers directly behind me so I decided to fall onto my keys. Lying face down on the ground I desperatly began shoving all my keys down the front of my pants.

At this moment....I woke up.

I shared this latest NIGHTMARE with my wife and she said..."See... now you know how it feels to be an M.O.!"
She proceeded to gave me the rest of the "THATS BACCI.. all times you make fun of M.O.'s ...now the shoe is on the other foot!" type speech.

I began to consider maybe I do make fun of M.O.'s too much...and should show a little more compassion.

Several days later, while working at the SECURITY POST, I was approached by a haloe male. He had a handsome, Kiefer Sutherland type of look. He wore a navy blue cap, shirt and shorts and carried a black back pack.

I asked this man, "How can I help you?"He informed me that he was looking for his wallet that he lost.

Taking down his personal information I made checks with our Evidence Room with negative results.

I informed him that his property had not been turned in and gave him a direct number to call the Evidence room to check at a later time.

He informed me the he really needed his picture ID.

"Really...why?" I asked.

(insert noise of PANDORAS BOX creaking open and expelling of air.)

He answered, "Because I need a job...my father President George W BUSH tells me I need to find work, because the CIA scanned my brain and they actually use my voice to speak in their behalf...I used to be a sniper for them but now I have to find some other line of work."

I stood there stunned and in utter disbelief.

This man managed to slip under my M.O. Radar!!

As he rambled on for a few more seconds I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Yeah.... that’s very intriguing." and turned and left.

I made my way down the stairs, onto Beretania Street, dug into my pockets for loose change, and waited patiently for the PIG PEOPLE to drive by.

I think I'm just to deep in the Forest to see the trees!!

Please visit me at Ke Kela WARD.

Have a Safe and Happy New Years,

Big Daddy

ARMY of ONE

2006-12-29T18:18:00.000-08:00

LOYAL READERS ATTEN----TION!!!

At 0600 hours this morning Private Ka'ili and his Cub Scout Troop loaded a bus bound to Schofield Army Base to participate in an Army Interactive Military Training and Exercise Event.

You might have guessed reading the letter above and viewing the drawing of Ka'ili's Missile Bullet Missile Grenade Laser Rifle, (or the M.B.M.G.L.R.) that he might have been...a little excited.

Okay...who am I kidding... the boy was pissing his pants in anticipation.

Folks I believe we have created a solider. It has been several years now that Ka'ili has showed a great interest in the Military . I think it goes back to first exposing him to the movie "STAR WARS".After viewing the STAR WARS films it became apparent that my little boys favorite characters in the movie were NOT Luke Skywalker or those Jedi Knights...it was not Chewbacca, Han Solo, R2-D2, C3-PO, Darth Vadar or goofy Jar Jar BINKS.

It was the Storm Troopers.

I found this out one day when I went to print something out on the computer and discovered all the paper missing. My sneaky son cut, taped, and designed an entire STORM TROOPER outfit and rifles from the stack of white computer paper. I discovered him crouched below the front window. He had wrapped himself in paper from head to toe and was shooting at imaginary enemies.

When asked what did he think he was doing he simply stated, "I’m protecting the house Dad."

He continued to suck on the TEET of military mindset playing such games as Star Wars BATTLEFRONT, Halo 1 and 2, and Command and Conquer.

So it was on this December morning at 0500 hours my son SPRUNG out of bed and put on his CAMOFLAUGE outfit and awaited eagerly to start the day.We met his Cub Scout Troop in Stormy Conditions at Manoa Elementary School at about 0545 hours. The bus ride took about 45 minutes. We made a STOP at Wheeler Base where we exited the bus and boarded another one. From there we were driven to an open field onto Schofield Army Base.

The weather was dreary. Low misty gray clouds, chilly air, and continuous rain drizzle provided a War jungle movie type atmosphere. Several hundred Boy and Cub scouts and their parents stood in semi organized fashion behind numbered signs on a huge wet grassy field. Within seconds my socks felt like over saturated sponges. The red mud did not help matters.

Ladies and Gentleman...despite my initial complainants...it could have been much WORSE. If there were High Winds with a Heavy Downpour...it would have been unbearable.The only cover provided was a LATRINE.

I will discuss the details of the LATRINE later in this blog.

Anyway about an hour of standing around we were finally informed about the days schedule.The way that this event is organized is they break up the SCOUTS into 8 separate groups.Each group is led to a particular STATION where Army personnel discuss a certain topic.

A SGT carrying a green flag led us to our first station.

The first station was deep in a heavy brush type area. Grass as tall as sugar cane engulfed our group. The Private in charge of the station informed us that this was the "Camouflage Station". He gave a small introduction speech on camouflage and proceeded to inform us that there was a SOLIDER hiding. He than challenged the group to find the SOLIDER.

Cub scouts searched for several minutes with no success. Calling to the solider I was surprised that a tall lean blonde ARMY man popped out from behind some bushes not more than 20 feet in front of me.

You seen those moves where those snipers have the full body grass suits. It was nothing that fancy. It was a Camouflage outfit like Ka'ili's..cut strips of burlap...and blades of grass sticking out of a regular helmet. Definitely the poor mans camouflage. But to his credit he was not detected.

The soliders passed out ARMY issued camouflage paint. The paint was in canisters the size of lipstick and had two shades of green. The paint was passed out among the troop and we proceeded to paint the SCOUTS.

Ka'ili was beside himself. I can't remember seeing him so excited. As I applied the face paint to my little warrior he quickly wanted to hide in the bushes with all the other little boys.

Okay...that doesn’t sound so good, but you get the idea.

The second station was.... interesting.

Say you are walking along minding your own business and CHARLIE happens to pop out of a rice patty field shooting your leg with a AK-47.

Holy Crap you got your self a life threatening leg injury.Thank God for the FIRST AID station where their motto is:STOP THE BREATHING and KEEP EM BLEEDING.

Wait a sec....flip that.

In this area our little Scouts learned from military medical personnel, (MEDICS) ,to dress and treat BATTLE INJURIES.

Tiny Bodies pretending to be dying littered the wet muddy terrain of the War ravaged base of Schofield . Kids covered in imaginary blood screamed for help as their partners worked frantically to apply pressure to invisible gaping bullet holes and cover it with field dressing.

It was like a G version of "Platoon" or "We Were Soliders".

As I watched the chaos I was disturbed.

Not by the quality of acting but by the fact that this new generation of kids cannot tie a bow.

Blame it on VELCRO folks, because I noticed MANY boys who were stumped. I heard the many shouts of frustrated children yelling, "VELCRO...we need some VELCRO here!!"

Including my son.

Good Lord.

As punishment I made him apologize to the parents of his patient. I also made him explain to them why there son met an imaginary demise at such an early age.

The third station was DRILLS.

The SGT's went very easy on them!!!!Imagine the Drill SGT on the movie, "FULL METAL JACKET".Than imagine his EXACT opposite.

I guess the job is to give them a POSITIVE experience .....calling them a Maggot Filled TURD wouldn't go over so well.

Private Ka'ili did the Drills with great DETERMANATION. Left FACE...Right FACE..ABOUT FACE...that kind of thing.

They explained to the SCOUTs that they should pivot their feet(or heels) as if they were wearing HEELYS....you know the roller skate shoes.

They shouldn't have given Ka'ili that analogy. Each time a command was given , his heel remained firmly to the ground and his toes remained pointing in the air.

As the other boys stood at attention...feet firmly on the ground....theres my son swaying back and forth trying to maintain his sense of balance on his heels.

They even did a round of JUMPING JACKS. If you have never seen Ka'ili do this particular exercise....than lets just say, if and when you do, you are in for a visual treat.

Imagine a Chimpanzee trying to reach for a bunch of bananas on hot coals while simultaneously doing the ELAINE dance from the TV show Seinfeld.

Yeah its kinda like that.

I tried not to laugh.....because he was so darned SERIOUS!! Just like a good solider he screamed at the top of his lungs WHOOOHAW (no horaw...that’s the marines) along with the other SCOUTS.

It was precious.

The next station was Physical Training or P.T.The SCOUTS rolled about in the mud doing various exercises. The only thing I will comment on is the way young boys do PUSH UPS.

Lacking the upper body strength these SCOUTS would just push their hips towards the dirt in a DISTURBING pelvic thrust type action.

Needless to say I was affronted.Kaili did 35 hump thrusts in 15 seconds......quite the jack rabbit.

Of course I'm not the one who did the counting.

I counted 40.

The next station provided the scouts with the greatest MENTAL challenge yet.

Knot tying.

The Velcro pint sized spawns fumbled their way thru this exercise. The Drill SGT...(A no nonsense black man named STEELE) was Hardcore. There was a rope bridge type climb at this station but SCOUTs were not allowed to participate in the rope climb until they completed several KNOTS.

To be honest....I struggled along with them. Make mine VELCRO.

The next station was WEAPONS/VEHICLES. The SCOUTS were exposed to the latest weapons used by the ARMY solider as well as their motor vehicles.

Ka'ili really loved this one.

I am just glad Ka'ili didn't raise his hands during the RIFLE demonstration. I half expected him to say "Did you get my WEAPON plans for the M.G.M.B.L.R.?" When they responded "Uh..no." Ka'ili would have given me a STINK look. We were supposed to mail the letter and Weapon design to the Military MONTHS ago.

I still haven’t.

The next stop was the Military K9 unit Station. M.P.s set up staged scenarios of drug searches and Suspect Takedowns. Ka'ili was beaming with excitement watching the German Shepard work.

There were some tense moments during this exercise.

If you have ever gone on an excursion with kids there is always one BRAT...who doesn’t listen to anyone...makes their on rules..bullies and pushes his way to the front of the line.

Yeah you know the kind.

Anyway, during the K9 demonstration I got stuck near this ADHD menace. The kid was positioned directly behind me and was "acting out" once again.

Yes his father was there as well but he wasn’t doing jack shit worth of discipline. This little demon wore the pants. The kid was whining to the Dad.."Come on Dad..shit ...my foot is sore...get me a Band Aid..give it to me NOW....Its SOOOORRRE....and I’m cold...this place is BOOORING...I wanna go HOOOME...it sucks here...gimme your jacket I’m cold....give it NOW!!

Of course this all happened during the K9 Suspect Takedown Demo. The Military Police instructed us all SEVERAL times to remain still during this exercise. The reason behind the instructions is because the dogs will take sudden movements as acts of aggression on their trainers.

Being that the bully was behind me, I was set up for a WORST CASE SCENIRO moment. Keep in my mind that I previously witnessed this kid, (who was smaller than Ka'ili), push past chubby KANAKA kids 3 times his size.

I had no doubt that after he put on a fresh bandage and his fathers jacket he would without a thought plow past me to get a front row seat. Of course in response to his aggressive behavior, the German Shepard would attack, lunge in the air, miss the tiny terrors throat and completely latch on to my fuzzy fleshy pink balloon.

Okay....it didn't happen but it could've!!!

The final Station was OUTDOOR SURVIVAL.

The soliders basically informed the SCOUTs how to occupy your time if you ever was LOST on Brokeback mountain. Instead of cuddling in your sleeping bag with your partner...you can create campfires, boil water, and eat insects.

They gave demonstrations...not of the Sleeping Bag cuddling but the other stuff.

DON'T ASK DONT TELL.

FINALLY......like all good things there must be an END. Or a meltdown as the case may be.

Enter...the LATRINE.

Like I mentioned before it is the only covered structure in this TRAINING FIELD area. Like a responsible parent I informed Ka'ili that we should both use the restroom before the LOOONG bus ride back to Manoa. He related he had to pee and I was set to release a MEATLOAF until I saw the interior and the conditions of the LATRINE.

Pinching back my MEATLOAF I reset the hairy oven to LOW and let it cook for an hour or so longer.

Imagine an OPEN area twice the size of a living room. Lined up along the west sides of the LATRINE were 10 toilets. Lined on the east side were metallic urination TROUGHS. The troughs were to high for Ka'ili to reach so the toilet was the only option.

There was only one problem.....there were no DOORS...or WALLS..or any type of privacy barriers to separate yourself from the eager viewing public.

Ka'ili immediately took my response to the LATRINE situation.

He refused to go.

Realizing the length of the BUS RIDE I made an EXECUTIVE parental decision. I forced him.

Remember the first 16 horrifying minutes of "SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" It was like a EXTREMELY distasteful remake of the scene of that movie....without all the blood and loss of life.

Scores of Mud covered Scouts and fathers invading the LATRINE...Piss flying in the air missing the TROUGHS completely...Fathers Crapping in open view dropping BOMBS like Vietnam. And here I am trying to PRY away my sons camouflage pants at the same trying to supply cover from curious on lookers.

You may ask yourself...Well what’s the big deal....he’s just taking a piss.

To answer this question first of all you have to understand my sons method of urinating.
Most MEN/BOYS will pull down there pants/shorts to the top of there thighs when taking a WHIZZ. My son is special. He will drop his PANTS/SHORTS/BBDees to his ankles...which of course exposes his buttocks. I have tried to break this habit...but with NO success.

So there I am working furiously to remove my sons boy scout belt and the unforgiving button of his camouflage pants. As I struggle with this task I notice many raised eyebrows and concerned looks by fathers who pass us by. I sheepishly explain to some of them that I indeed am the child’s father and not some perverted BOY SCOUT COUNSELER.

I finally manage to drop his drawers and he has abit of a STAGE FRIGHT moment. In my haste to make it back to our soon to be departing bus.... I snap at him to HURRY it UP.

I think with all the early morning excitement and adrenaline rush drained out of him, my son, (who barely cries at all) has a breakdown.

Standing in the filthy latrine with a crying child...my own...I felt like one of the WORLDS BIGGEST ASSHOLES!!

Okay so he didn’t talk to me for a good 30 minutes...but despite that one LOW moment...we had a great FATHER/SON bonding experience.

I certainly hope he thinks so when I met his psycho therapist 15 years from now.

In conclusion Loyal Readers my son one day may or may not be the next SOILDER of fortune. I think the decision to enlist will solely be based on whither or not improvements to the LATRINES have been met to his satisfaction.

He can always fall back on being an AEROBIC instructor...with Chimpanzee Jumping Jacks and Hump thrust Push ups.

He heh heh.

Okay now its Official.

I am the worlds biggest ASSHOLE!!

Till next time,
Big Daddy
WHOOHAW!!!

Cellblock Christmas

2006-12-26T10:24:00.000-08:00

Seasons Greetings Loyal Readers,

I hope Santa brought you something special this year. I got a lotta cool things this year. Thank you all for your generosity and thoughtfulness!! I am currently listening to a "TWISTED SISTER CHRISTMAS" CD to keep me in the mood. (Courtesy of my Mom...thanks MOMMY!!)

Ahhh...there is nothing left but good pleasant Holiday Memories. Or unpleasant memories....as the case may be.

I remember this on time, back when I was a rookie in patrol, I had an ABUSE case at a house in Hawaii Kai one Christmas morning.

When I go to a scene...I try not to rush into a situation...so upon arrival...I stepped out of the car and listened.

I didn’t hear anyone arguing.

I walk up to the side door and a young boy about 10 years old greets me. He tells me Dad left already and Mommys in the room.

I stroll in the house and the place is trashed. The Christmas tree is pushed over , wrapping paper is everywhere..it’s a real mess.

Its about this time I discover red spatter all over the place dripping on the chairs, couches, tables and walls leading to the master bedroom.

Holy SHIT! I thought this lady got her ass kicked for CHRISTMAS.

I walk towards the room following the unusual red spatter. I go into the room and the lady is lying on the bed with her 6 month old baby. Spatter is everywhere...on the walls, sheets, and bed.

She is wearing tiny shorts and a tight tanktop and upon closer inspection I realize she is covered in welts. On her shoulders, back of her legs and arms.

I asked her what the heck happened.

Apparently as the family was opening their Christmas presents...she and her husband started arguing. The argument continued to grow heated...so much so that the husband grabbed one of his sons Christmas gifts and used it as a weapon.

A high powered PAINT BALL gun.

At close range he blasted her. He chased her from the living room...down the hall..to the room. When the gun finally went empty he ran away before we could catch him and arrest him.

What an ass.

Just another HPD Christmas.

Yesterday I had to work...and let me tell you...I seen some shit in my life..but there is nothing like a Cellblock Christmas.

I mean...really folks who wants to work on Christmas first of all......really....it frick'n sux CHESTNUTS!! Try doing it with 80-90 disgruntle detainees filled with Christmas JEER.

Get the idea.

I try not to be a SCROOGE..I REALLY do.. but its like you half to have a sort of a cold calloused zombie type of personality..while baby sitting them all ...especially on Christmas.

I try not to mention the HOLIDAY all together. I pretend its just another ordinary day.
I didn’t smile and say....."MERRY CHRISTMAS"....it doesn’t roll of the tongue right when greeting a prisoner. You just sound like a sarcastic GLOATING asshole!!!

Be that as it may...I had thieves, robbers, rapists, and druggies wish me a MERRY CHRISTMAS. Its pretty unnerving.

Some like to take advantage of the whole "CHRISTMAS SPIRIT" idea. They request extra phone calls and food constantly. You feel like a such a GRINCH...but you gotta tell em no....you give to much..they will run all over you!!

It’s a pretty depressing place for Christmas. The smells especially. Some guys have been in there since last week Wednesday. No shower...in a cell with 3 other dudes.

Talk about fermentation.

Smells like ASS and Hairy Beanbags.

Yet I did have my CHRISTMAS COMPASSION type moments.

I had these 2 detainees in a cell with 2 other dudes, just pleading with me to get another cell. They had been in there since last week and the smell and snoring from one of the prisoners was killing them.

I gave them the whole "There is no room in the Inn" type speech and moved on.

I felt abit of the Christmas Spirit...so fifteen minutes later I open the celldoor and told them to pick up their MATS and BLANKETS.

They sat stunned for a few seconds and quickly gathered there belongings...thanking me over and over....they had a "Sinking ship...thanks for the life boat" type looks.

I proceeded to hook them up with a fresh CELL.

Who said I didn’t have a heart.

The Christmas Spirit continued later in the day.

Waikiki had an angry DISORDERLY German speaking tourists who went on a robbing rampage.
Dude must of been high on something.

He wasn’t big at all. Late forties...looked like a nerdy college professor.

There is resisting arrest and there is RESISTING ARREST!!

This dude was pepper sprayed and TAZED twice!! He actually was able to pull out the wires of the first TAZ attempt.

Unheard of by me. Cause a taz is supposed to freeze your muscles from working.

Dude was jacked up when he came in. He was taken straight to his cell.

So we had em all day and there is nobody who can communicate with him. So he is unprocessed, uncooperative, and unfriendly.

I proceeded to draw him a picture. I drew a face(mug shot) a plus sign, hands(fingerprints), and an equal sign.......to the right of the equal sign I draw a Phone(phone call), mat and blanket.

The concept being if you comply with the processing you will get a call...mat and blanket.

I walk up to his cell door (not expecting much) and show him the picture.

He is standing there battered, bruised. and angry in his black underwear. (Don't ask)

He looks at the picture..... then at me......... and nods.

It worked! I got him to comply with us without incident.

Finally let me say Santa was EXTRA generous with me. He brought me a special gift.

A 6'2...350lb...shemale SAMOAN!!!

Ladies and Gentleman if you ever want to make an Officer disappear in a blink of an eye.
Ask them to search an overweight Shemale Samoan!! It works every time.

So there I am standing all alone by the patrol car with a disorderly Shemale Samoan. This delightful tranny is STUCK in the backseat!!

Literally.

It took 15 minutes of coaxing, pulling, tugging, and CRISCO to extract shim.

GOOD LORD.

Saying this beast was HUGE would by the years understatement. Sexy succulent droopy man boobs...unshaved armpits...a oversized belly that was flopped close to its knees.

This SAMOAN shemale was also dressed to impress. A charming snug spaghetti strap tank top dripping with snot and Pepper spray and a sensuous urine covered jeans skirt several sizes to small.

Thankfully the Shemale was calmed down but shis demeanor was abit ...loopy..drugged out.

Shim kept swaying back and forth... nearly tipping over on several occasions.

Let me tell you folks I hit the gym...I try to hit the old weights. But let me tell you.
There would by no chance in Hell I could actually catch this 350lb monstrosity if shim actually fell over.

My spine would snap in half like a brittle, calcium deficient tooth pick.

I would simply scream timber and step quickly out of the way.

Like a frightened Sea World Orca trainer I proceeded to herd the SHEMALE into the search area. The SHEMALE is still handcuffed and is facing the wall.

It was at this time I desperately looked around for a rookie officer. Like a band of mysterious ninjas...they were no where to be found.

I reluctantly proceeded with the search.

Folks...you try your best to be professional. But even the most disciplined of minds while break as you search the many nooks, crevices, and crannies of a shemale fanny.

It was midway with thru the search the SHEMALE proceeds to shake her blubberous booty like a hellish GO GO dancer.

Back and forth....back and forth.....

Its an unsettling feeling as you are searching this fleshy fun house and you begin to hear the song.."My Milkshake brings all the Boys to the yard...Damn right...its better than yours!!"....and you realize...your not hearing the song but are actually singing it.

Yup. I catch myself singing it and I happen to look at the SHEMALES face....who is giving me an approving, delighted, and inviting grin.

GAG...sour taste of stomach acid.

"Uhh..okay" I announce."I gotta search by your waist."

An easy task....a simple sweep..If I could actually find shims waist line.

I mentioned earlier about the overhang to the knees.

I try to reach around the SHEMALE. We cuddle each other like uncomfortable prom dates dancing to an extended LOVE ballad mix.

Try as I might...I couldn’t put my arms around it.

So I had to work the sides.

Holding my breath and squinting my eyes in pain...I lifted the fold.

It felt like an oversized fanny pack filled with jelly and dirty laundry. It was at this time...feeling my way under the fold that I imagined a combination of spoiled food, loose change, insects, mayonnaise, and a missing pet falling to the ground.

I felt my Christmas Lunch making a violent return.

I stopped the search.

If that Samoan SHEMALE snuck in a weapon or contraband under that fold......shim earned it.

Okay...that’s enough for now....I’m about to hurl some Eggnog.

CYAH

Big Daddy

Horny Holidays

2006-12-17T23:58:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Loyal Readers,

May your Holiday Season be filled with many "UNEXPECTED" suprises!!!

Big Daddy

Spooky Tales of Hawaii

2006-12-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

Aloha Loyal Readers, (Especially my MOM)

We all experienced the bump in the night, the slow creak of a door, the uneasy feeling that you are not alone. No this isn’t a recap of the "My SHIROMA" locker room stories.

There are things that can be explained....others well its just cannot be grasped by a mere mortal mind.

The reason I bring this up is because of an experience I had.

Me and the supernatural are... shall we say unfriendly companions. As a kid there was a LONG LIST of fears that I had...from BEES, DRAGONFLYS,CLOWNS, FIREWORKS, DOGS, etc......

Most of which I have outgrown.....but spirits...or GHOSTS...til this day...they still scare the crap outta me. Enough so that .......I still will turn on 75% of the lights in the house at night time....I still cover my feet with a blanket at night...and I still hum a few bars of "Jesus Loves me This I know.." when I feel scared.

Granted most fuel to my fear is the creation of my huge imagination. A slam of a door in the middle of the night is not a gust of wind but an angry poltergeist eager to tear thru my fragile flesh and devour me whole.

See what I mean.

I can't say I knowingly met a spirit.

But I can say I FELT things.

This past week I had lunch with my family at Ruby Tuesdays at ALA MOANA center. The decor of Ruby Tuesdays is a kinda of a rich man Mansion type atmosphere....wooden type furnishings...sports memorabilia..and old photos.

Even with the Holiday Season RUSH the place was near empty. We were seated in a booth at the back near the restrooms and had just placed our order. I was seated on the end of the booth near the aisle. About 7-8 minutes of waiting for my food I felt as if someone was standing next to me. Looking in the direction I realized there was no one there.

Ladies and Gentleman of the Skeptic Court I would like to inform you that this has never happened to me before.

How can I describe the feeling...it wasn’t a chicken skin moment...a heart thumping cold sweat experience...for Petes sake I had just put in an order for a Half Rack of BBQ Ribs. It was just well...unnerving.

Let me explain the sensation.....try putting your hand several inches from your ear. You immediately sense its presence as the sound has to travel around this new barrier or obstruction.

That’s what it felt like. It lasted for a good three minutes and then it was gone.

I don’t know what it was about...some supernatural entity warning me about ECOLI on the BBQ pork ribs...possibly.

Some things just cant be explained.

My daughter seems to have picked up on my fear of the supernatural (among her many 100's of fears.)

At a sleep over several months ago one of Kinohi's friends brought a book titled, "SPOOKY TALES OF HAWAII." Needless to say Kinohi read through the book and found it quite interesting.

The next trip to the Library she decided to check out"SPOOKY TALES OF HAWAII" volumes 1 thru 4.

Within 24 hours she become well informed of the many myths, legends, and dangers that lurk in the shadows of Hawaii ne.

Several weeks ago Dawn and I were watching Television at night in the living room and we were approached by our daughter, who insisted on sleeping in our bed that night.

We found it quite puzzling at first. Granted we had a family bed til she was 9 years old (she’s 11 now) but still.....it was a peculiar request.

I informed her to quit stalling and GO TO BED. (Ahhh...the sensitive father.)
A little upset she retreated down the hallway and out of view.

Minutes later I had to use the bathroom. On my way to relieve my python I was bombarded by a disturbing sight.

No not a gray pube!

What I saw was dozens of white drawing paper taped to the hallway walls, computer room, chairs, bedroom and yes even in the bathroom.

The artist of the newly posted drawings had stuck to one particular theme.

The Crucifix.

Drawn in blue this symbol was plastered through out the House.

"KINOHI!!!" I shouted.

Kinohi sheepishly explained that she had been petrified by the SPOOKY TALES OF HAWAII books. And had drawn the symbol to WARD off EVIL. She went on to describe the many Hawaiian haunts such as Pele and man boar dog creatures that stare into your window at night.

I told her to remove the pictures in the morning and go to bed.

Reminded once again of the creatures of the night I proceeded to turn on all the house lights and hum a few bars of "This little light of mine".

Like Father like Daughter.

Til this day I am still finding and removing these Crucifix drawings from the walls.

Sweet Fancy Moses.

Til next time,

Big Daddy

M M M MY SHIROMA!

LOCKER ROOM WAR STORIES

2006-12-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays Loyal Readers,

Hope this message reaches you in good spirits.With the Holiday Seasons comes the traditional FAMILY/FRIEND get together.

This past SUNDAY a few of my Friends got together. Man it was FUN. It was like no time passes when we meet up. There is the CATCH UP talk, The MOVIES quotes discussions, and the annually lets RETELL an old SCHOOL DAYS story. The last of which always ends up in a shake of the head and a , "Here we go again." comment.

It’s true, though. How many frickin times can you retell a story? I mean come one......you see that dead horse just lying there...on the road..you pick up your stick and... WHACK WHACK WHACK...its hilarious.Now..months even...heck..even... years go by...you walk by and that same dead horse is still lying there. Now tell me...who’s not tempted to pick up a stick and give it a good thrashing for old times sake. ME THATS WHO!!

Okay its a little insane...I know... its a never ending cycle.......until my Alzheimer finally kicks in.Years go by and you forget certain details in your memories....or you build walls around the pain and embarrassment. Much like the days of the HIGH SCHOOL locker room.

MY SHIROMA was an upper classmate of mine. He was an odd type fellow reminding me of a young asian Mr. BURNS from the "Simpsons" cartoon. He was thin and moved with a sorta of slow, stealthy type grace. Much like a cat on the prowl or a jackson chameleon on the hunt.His prey of choice. Boys changing in the locker room.

After a good hard day at Physical Education in the HMA gym our classmates would file into our locker room like sweaty insecure cattle. We were dirty young naive boys back than with little experience about the twisted perverted underbelly of mankind. Our worst fears would be the intimate exposure of our PRIVATES.The ultimate HORROR that your classmates would know the SIZE, SHAPE, and PUBE PATTERNS of your genital area....could certainly raise the percentage of TEEN SUICIDES.

Why you ask?.....Because even at that young age.. you knew people talked. Your worst nightmares played out in REAL LIFE as the cruel cat calls of peers and school mates yell such comments as, "Hey what’s up BALD EAGLE." or the ever popular, "How’s it going there CHEWBACCA CROTCH."

Probably one of the worst moments would be the girls waving with their Vienna sized pinkies at you and you come to the stomach sinking realization that its not a charming new greeting but a SIZE display of your PENIS.

FLASH FORWARD 10 years to PROZAC and PSYCHO-THERAPIST SESSIONS.

So it was with great care when we changed and showered together. I still remember the many faces of classmates removing their clothing... it was like watching 20 fourteen year old runaways disrobing and doing a PORNO movie for the first time.

Slowly....removing their tops, and than their shorts..and just before they would remove the infamous UNDERWEAR......I would see their tear swelled eyes darting back and forth like a frightened deer drinking cautiously from a creek. With hands shaking, lower lip trembling and eyelids now closed painfully tight they would slide the final piece of dignity to their ankles.

Or maybe it was just me...... but at any rate, it was a disturbing sight to see. But apparently for some it was a BUFFET line of voyeurism.Enter My SHIROMA.

As my classmates changed/showered I would notice him perched in the corner like a grinning gargoyle. At first I ignored him......I probably thought....maybe he was just waiting for someone.

Funny how times have changed. I used to make excuses for peoples strange and or questionable behavior. Now...look at me... I'm an old jaded 8-year veteran Officer who thinks everyone’s CRAZY or ASSHOLES.

Well.... mostly everyone.

Anyway, I began to realize....hey this guy MY SHIROMA..I can’t put my finger on it.... he’s abit ODD.... he’s an upper classman...who doesn’t have P.E. with us..hes not waiting for anyone...he’s not talking to anyone..What the heck is he doing in the locker room with us!! I mean you could set your clock by his LOCKER ROOM PRESENCE.

Do you know what UGEE is...well UGEE is a feeling you get when you meet someone and a sense of ALARM is raised? You know....the chilling feeling that a person who appears friendly enough actually has sinister motive and a CLORAFORM soaked rag behind their back. That’s UG. MY SHIROMA made me feel UGEE.

I think it was the Cheshire cat like smile that spread wickedly across his face as he observed my classmates.

I brought up MY SHIROMA at my friend gathering this weekend. They recalled him....but not being in the locker room....watching the daily free strip teasing.I was kinda floored....how could they not remember him in the locker room with us.

The reason I brought him up was because this strange upper classman most recently was locked up for robbing a BANK. He consequently turned himself in minutes later at the POLICE Downtown substation.

I personally think they couldn't recall MY SHIROMA's creepy visits because they were avoiding the golden shower of our classmate SHINE as he chased us all around peeing on everyone near his URINE PROJECTILE RANGE.

As it goes...SHINE is in prison cell as well.

WHO SAYS THE LOCKER ROOM DOESNT BUILD CHARACTER.

Or at least many painful memories.

BIG DADDY

HAPPY GOBBLE GOBBLE DAY!!

2006-11-23T10:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Loyal Readers,

I hope this little blog reaches you happy, horny and in good healthy. Heck even 1 outta that three aint so bad.

Anyhoot I been working.....that is my lot in life right now. No exciting or creative things outside of work is currently going on.

At home my kids are in abit of a SICK mode. If one doesnt have a cold the other one does. It has been a pattern ever since we returned from our vacation.

The worst of which has been Kinohi's allergic reation to some sort of insect bites. The HIVEs type reaction took over 90% of her body...it was really MESSED up. This coupled with deaths in the family pushed her OCD to high levels. She would remain in the room in the dark most of the day and say she wasnt hungry.....these were very STRESSFUL days at the CARAVALHO ranch....thankfully her OCD levels are currently LOW.

My kryptonite is my Family...I am most stressed and depressed when they are not HEALTHY and HAPPY. I am thankful for them all. From my MOM all the way down to my fish.

I saw one of my old beat partners yesterday...good ole Chris MONTOYA....Mr. GOODTIME!!
A female complainant for a Burglary case gave him that name. She was asking us our marital status and she said to Chris.."So your Mr. Goodtime and your Mr. LONGTIME."..refering to me.

I currently made 8 years at HPD on the 19th of November. Man just 13-14 years to go.
Despite all my complainants I have ......I am thankful for this JOB. I wake up at 4:50am 5 days a week...and although I am tired...I dont dread to come to work YET!!!

Dawns TUTU died several weeks ago. She was in her mid 90's. She was a tuff old BIRD surviving strokes, falls, pedestrian vs vehicle accidents, (I even slammed her fingers in the car trunk once),and many more mishaps. She just kept coming back swinging. She was put to her final rest off the shores of Waikiki. Dawns mother rented a CATAMARAN and spread her ashes among the sea creatures of the PACIFIC. Apparently a pod of Dolphins followed the CATAMARAN to the burial site it was quite a sight. So I am told I being a landlubber(And prone to sea sickness) stayed ashore in teh shade and enjoyed a Virgin Strawberry Daquri at the Sheraton Poolside Bar!!
CHEERS TUTU for all your love to my kids and the extreme generosity you displayed....R.I.P!!!!

I have a special duty this Friday nite at Waikiki.....my first offical Special Duty since my return from CALI. CHRISTMAS $$

I just enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast at CRD.....compliments of ZIPPYS and Chinatown....it was actually very tasty. Excess of FOOD..pies, pastry, manapua, pork hash, cakes, turkey, char sui, roast pork, ham, chili...the works...The barrel stay TIGHT!!

Now with the rest of the Holiday Season upon us I just want to take some time to thank GOD for all of you.

My sincerne BEST WISHES to you and yours.

Stay Safe

BigDaddy

PS Now to help myself to some Pumpkin Pie and the annual Holiday ORING BLOWOUT!!!

Senior Year

2006-11-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hello once again Loyal Readers,

I trust this message reaches you happy and in good health.

2007 will be my last year in CRD. The Central Receiving Divsion has a working time limit of 5 years. Every since my return from patrol to the Cellblock I have witnessed many changes. The majority of which has been negative.

Like any buisness HPD is into the DOWNSIZING. Where as when I first started in CRD..we ran with 17 or 18 Officers per watch. That was the normal. We are down to 9 officers during DAYS. Quite a differance. When you work it you defintely FEEl the difference. The days of being assigned to one particular duty is over. Now as it stands officers juggle with 3 to 4 different assignments. These assignments carry there own particular responsibility and LIABILTY. It is very easy to slip when you multi task which canlead to Interdepartmental PUNISHMENT. Must of these ERRORs could be avoided if STAFFING was at an appropriate level.

So we run with this skeleton crew more work less personel....it becomes a safety issue. What is the departments answer to COVER THERE OWN ASS.....create all these unrealistic rules..standards...MOPs...ORDERS..that we as the officer have to adhere to.

Examples of which are as follows:
1.) Officer must remain in the Cellblock at all times.

2.) Detainees must be escorted by 2 officers at all times.

Now watch how this conflicts.

9 officers....My morning shift. 05:30 to 14:30

2 officers monitor the CELLBLOCK

3 officers handle the WAGON RUN-taking suspects to court teh are gone til 11:00am

2 are upstairs at the SECURITY POST - taking cases and screening the public who are entering the building.

1 officer works the SECURITY CONSOLE-answering phones

1 officer BOOKS the detainees.....inputs suspects info on computer.

The last officer does the work of 3 handling PROPERTY, BAILOUTS, and JUVENILES.

So an arrestee comes in to be processed....who can process them?

If you guessed the CELLBLOCK officer...you are right but watch this.....2 officers, per are RULES, need to assist in the processing procedure. The CELLBLOCK officers are aware of the processing procedure but are more concerned with each others safety ....so they help each other to process a detainee....leaving the CELLBLOCK area unattended.

Scenario....Inmate A escapes the CELLBLOCK. An investigation will uncover that there was no Officer in the CELLBLOCK area. The COMMAND will slam em with an INVESTIGATION and the officers are subject to termination. The CELLBLOCK officers defense will be ...well per our standards the 2 of us have to be with a prisoner. The COMMAND will say well there has to be 1 officer in the CELLBLOCK area and bend the conflicting rules to their liking.

Scenario-Suspect comes in to get processed....1 CELLBLOCK officer comes to process the body the other stays in the CELLBLOCK area. The officer who is processing the detainee by himself is punched in the face by the inmate and his nose breaks. The COMMAND will say hey wait a minute...per our rules...2 officers must remain with a prisoner at all times.....and both Officers will be punished and put under investigation...the CELLBLOCK officers will say...but we were told that 1 officer must remain in the CELLBLOCK area at all times..per are rules...once again the command will bend it somehow to however it fits into there punishment or investigation.

You see how the system works? Very SHADY!!!

This SHIT happens.

I am gonna do my best to roll LOPRO during my final year here. I hope to go undetected at work. Despite all this I have no regrets returning to work at CRD. I have worked with some outstanding men and women and enjoyed the company.

I plan to move on to the streets of Waikiki after my time is up here...from there I will have to see.

At home Ka'ili just got over a cold and currently Kinohi has a full body rash...from an insect bite or some food that didnt agree with her. Hopefully she makes a full recover soon.

We started our Xmas shopping last night....we got a big gift for Ka'ili and some friend gifts.....a lot of em are homemade by Dawny this year. You can never start to early.

Favorite Books I've read:
Jim BUTCHER's "DRESDEN FILES"-A mordern day wizard for hire mixes it up with the Mafia and forces of evil in this action packed and humorous 8 part series. An excellent read!!! I read 4 books already.

Movies and TV SHOWS:
Old BOY: my childhood bud Raph suggested this one and I must say...its one DISTURBING piece of Cinema.....but it sure was an original interesting concept.
Heroes: Currently my top favorite show!!
LOST: Slipped to 2nd place.
RESCUE ME and SHIELD still in top five...but I seen all the episodes!!
CURB YOUR ENTUSIASM: Another Raph pick and I gotta say its some REALLY FUNNY SHIT....I rented the entire season 2 and watched it all in 2 days. GOOD STUFF. The story revolves aropund Larry David the co creator of SIENFELD and is a fictionous story of what he currently is doing in his life.

Okay that is it for now....

Take CARE!!

BIG DADDY

Back to Work...a day EARLY!!

2006-11-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

Hello Loyal readers,

My vacation is finally over.

At least I thought it was.

Theres nothing like going into work and have your boss telling you, "Hey your not scheduled to work today."

WTF!!

I was convinced I was...it took some PORTAGEE calculations to realize....He was right!!

WOW....that sux balls!!

"Hey," the SGT continues, "Do you wanna work Over Time?"

Now a sane man woulda ran as fast as he could out the door, peel out of the parking lot, drive at light speed all the way home, jump back into bed, and dream of getting a a full body massage by the PUSSY CAT DOLLS.

But alas....I'm one CRAZY SUMMAMABITCH!! I tell him.."Yes...bring it on!"

The reasoning is this people....besides the money factor.....To do this job you got to psyche your selves up sometimes. For the past few days thats what I have been doing...I've been outta the COP mode...because of the vacation....and I've been mentally preparing myself for the return.

All that PSYCHING out woulda been wasted.

COP mode is different for all officers...some think it is a MODE to come off as a Cocky prick...others like myself think it is to emmulate a sense of humble confidence that would let a suspect know you are not to be fucked with. Its just a fancy way of saying you are FIRM and not a PUSHOVER.

In my mind I really thought I had to work and when I checked earlier this week I was told by a Co Worker I had the "CELLBLOCK".

Ive mentioned that "bad word" before so I dont think it bears repeating...so you know its is not one of my favorite assignments.

Needless to say in my mind I was ready for the challenge.

And by a chance did any of you go outside and look into the sky?

Thats right...FULL MOON bitches!!!

Aww shit.

The Patrol Officers even managed to catch a Werewolf last night in the form of a DUI. Since the time he has been here he has plastered his cell with a fresh coat of FECES.

In the spirit of the KARATE KID...he was done an excellent rendition of the ancient fighting form of Ralph Machio....The WAX ON and WAX OFF techniquie has proven quite useful as he has used it to block the camera and cell window with lumps of SHIT.

Well people God has smiled down on me.

I have BOOKS today....I just have to type alot today..but I am getting Overtime pay.

I now have a 6 day work week but I should be okay.

I shall be dreaming of Dixon and all the pleasant memories I made up there.

Special MAHALOZ to my MOM and Papagito for housing us for 16 days. WHEW!!
We love you guys.

And another MAHALOZ to my Cuz, Teri Baby for keeping an eye on my house and pets...she made it thru the HOOD...but I wasnt worried to much...shes a pistol packin momma.

Okay gotta get back to work.

Aww shit who am I kidding this is overtime Im going to sleep!!

Good night!!

Big Daddy

VACATION-Quick Hit!

2006-10-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

Wassup Loyal readers,

I hope you are enjoying your 5 day work week as for me I'm enjoying every minute of VACATION.

Savor Savor Savor every second!!!

Its been a jam packed VACATION. I'll just give some quick highlights.

Second day here we enjoyed a excellent day at the EXPLORITORIUM in San Fran. Holy CRAP though if you ever drove across the GOLDEN GATE in the center lane it is very NERVE RACKING. At excess speeds at about 50 the only thing that seperates you and the oncoming traffic is these little 3 inch vertical sticks. YUP thats it. Talk about your PUCKER factor.

My sister Maggie brought her kids and her silent assasian Boyfriend up NORTH to my MOMs.
It was nice to see them and spend some time with them. We hit this farm called "IMPOSSIBLE ACRES". The kids could pick out PUMPKINS and play with farm animals, cats, and dogs. Holy Creature abuse Batman them animals was manhandled a wee bit to ruff...Bunnies were squeezed...chickens were kicked...cows were milked...it was like watching a TV show called "WHEN ANIMALS GET ATTACKED"!! We also took all the kids to the STATE CAPITOL in Sac town. ARNOLD was not there. But we brought nuts to feed the squrriels that live in and around the trees on the Capitol grounds.
***Just a note my sisters boyfriend isnt a assasian....but he sure is silent...I got 1 sentence out of him..out of 3 days.

My brother JOE is hanging out with us too. Its good to see the boy. He is doing well. He is still at WOOODSTOCK Pizza working his ass off. Sometimes double shifts...Morning and Night...at a staff AWARD dinner he won a WOODY trophy called "LIVES & BREATHES WOODSTOCK PIZZA" If you havent eaten there..I highly recommend you do...the toppings are freash and they have a cool assortment of Pizza type deserts...one even tastes like a RECESS peanut butter cup. DELISH!!

Joe is planning to be "DOG" the bounty hunter for Halloween. I will try to get a picture of him. We went shopping in OLD SACRAMENTO town & an army surplass store in WOODLAND. He will no doubt turn heads.

My sister Ann stopped by for 15 minutes. Not much to say bout her. Shes kinda like my dad in that aspect. Doesnt like to discuss personal happenings.

I talked to my brother Bill on the phone. He is currently testing a PC game...its temp work...but WHAT A JOB...sit around play games and eat snacks. You dont have to fix the game just report it to your boss when there is a gliche in the game. I think its called Never Ending winter 2??

Dawn and I hit VEGAS....talk about your WHIRLWIND visits. Not much has changed since I last been there in 2001 but Dawn was shocked with the changes. The trip was a suprise for her meaning I hid money arranged the tickets and hotel stay with the MAMAGITO travel agency.

Of course it almost wasnt a suprise. About 4 weeks ago Dawn finds my personal BANK statement and interogates me on where I spent 420 dollars. First I get accused of paying for my girl friends abortion. I told her, "Are you fucking kidding me!!!...I got wired hangers in my closet..when my girl friend gets pregnant i aint spending no 420 dollars...HOLLAH!!!

Eventually I had to give clues about what i used the money for.

No people i aint gonna say the obvious clues like dice cash elvis money bets...that kinda stuff so I gave these clues.....one per day...before we left.

SHINY BROAD SHARP HAS A HANDLE CAN BE WORN ON BODY WATER PROOF WAS FOUND IN A ROCK

She couldnt figure it out....Kinohi did in fifteen seconds.

It is a SWORD.

As in EXCALIBUR.

2 days 2 nights.

I pushed Dawn to hard. She had an asthma attack. There was a smokers CONVENTION in VEGAS and every smoker showed up. EXHERTION plus SMOKE INHALELATION equals HOSPITAL trip. Get my drift. Shes better now thanks to the dedicated men and women of the SACRAMENTO Hospital.

Poor Kaili looks like a CANCER patient. His Mamagito decided to give him a trim yesterday. She gets midway thru the buzz and doesnt realize the clip from the Buzzer falls to the ground. The clipper is bare and the Rat BITES commence. Good LORD. Needless to say he has been wearing a SKI CAP when we are in public.

We went to Six Flags today. GOOD FUN. The kids were grinning EAR to EAR. It makes all my MANY MANY MANY MANY hours of special duty worth it. I dont even feel my tired feet anymore.

Ahhhhhh.

Hey...PLEASE HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I'll see you soon...I hope!!!!

ALOHA OE

Big Daddy

PS: Nevermind checking all my Spelling misteaks....I'm on frickin vacation so EAT IT!!

Freaky Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Red headed step-children...I mean loyal readers,

I have neglected you like a carehome nurse might neglect a grumpy old man in soiled Depend diapers.

But NO MORE..I'm back baby!

YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!!

Why the long gap in-between blogs....no this isn’t the CHONGS 1 blog action. (;

I'm on vacation (Like Forests GUMP daddy)!

Okay now before you go on a "Well shouldn’t you have more time if you are on VACATION spill"...let me stop you short by saying two words.....

SPECIAL DUTY

Yes ladies and germs...(always wanted to use that in a sentence) yours truly has been working an excessive BUTTLOAD of SD traffic detail...I got the special duty tan to prove it.

YEEEEEE DOGGIE!

Gotta get dem dollahs HOLLAH BIYATCHS!!!

In a few short days I will transform into the entity I had to deal with for 2 weeks.

THE TOURIST!

Don’t play shy...we all were a tourist once...for some more than once...but people...I am nearly at my wits end....If I gotta answer the question "Where's the beach?" one more friggin time...I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!! ARRRGGGH.....Hey buddy from IDAHO...JUST KEEP ON WALKIN... WE ARE ON A FRIGGIN ISLAND HERE....YOU'LL EVENTUALLY FALL INTO THE PACIFIC FRICKIN OCEAN!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh OOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAA

(deep breath)

Im tired and beat with the 11 hours of Traffic duty but today is a special day....

FRIDAY THE 13th

I couldn’t let this day pass by with out some highlights and maybe a quick story...if you behave!!

Its been a hectic week....Kinohis OCD went into a spiral due to a BAD BLOOD DRAW at the hospital. Let's just say Human Vodoo Doll....and white as a GHOST and leave it at that. Just another anxiety for her to deal with. Along with vomit...which of course Ka'ili did also this week...that is also an issue with my daughter.....VOMIT, GERMS, FLU, and BLOOD....

OCD is not just washing your hands 50 times...or wiping down surfaces...its about these worries and anxieties that grip you and won't allow you to get past the fear to lead a normal life.

It's also about doing rituals to insure that bad things don’t affect you.....if you do a task a wrong way a bad thing will happen to you. Kinohi deals with these issues daily and you try to be the tough teacher to get her past her fears but it is DIFFICULT and such a delicate balance from pushing her to hard and coddling her.

Much mahaloz to the WIFESKI for dealing with it 24/7.

So lets see vomit, OCD ,shots, bad blood draw, a little cold....Ka'ili getting punched in the face 2 times when playing London Bridges...Kinohi injuring both her feet in one day.....FREAKY FRIDAY.

Aww hell lets go into a story.

I have been doing most of my SPECIAL DUTY in the streets of Waikiki. The LEWERS area is doing MAJOR construction and basically it puts traffic into a JAMONIT mode.

Thus the need for your handy dandy POLICE OFFICER.

For the past several months the hotels have hired us out to redirect traffic. 9-10 officers daily. Six days a week.

If you think thats an overkill....try taking a drive thru the area...it’s a mess.

Bumper to bumper traffic...crazy cab drivers...out of state drivers...tour buses..unloading..loading..cargo vans...delivery trucks...excavators...dumptrucks...cement trucks cranes...fork lifts....and a onslaught of tourists darting in and out of automania madness.

GET THE PICTURE.

On a separate note I made the NEWS on Channel 8 a couple of days ago. The topic was ..you guessed it WAIKIKI TRAFFIC....and the close up was of... you guessed it Grizzly Adams...I mean MOI...but I did look abit scruffy....VACATION!! No shavy shave...hehe

With 9-10 positions daily to be filled how do you suppose they decide who gets what spot.

Think about it for a sec......start time is 0630 am to 1730pm...that’s some long ass hours!!
All the spots to direct traffic are NOT equal....some places are slow....some are busy...some areas are blazing HOT...others provide shade all the way thru.

So once again I ask you. When 9-10 officers show up to work how do you assign them a position.

For the sake of "WHOGIVESADAMN" I'll throw a few ideas.

Seniority. Possibly...maybe abit time consuming....especially if 10 of your recruit classmates show up and you have to discuss who had the higher test score in the ENTRY exam.

Draw names from a hat. Okay that’s an idea ...we all got hats...

Hmmmm. these are a few choices....but let me explain how they do it.

The game is simple.

Whoever gets there first.

Okay.

When I first took this Traffic job a few months back...I would get there on time...maybe a few minutes early. But low and behold I would get stuck in a shitty spot...dodging traffic...herding tourists..dying of heat exhaustion...getting third degree burns in the Sun.

I found myself watching that COP in the shade...doing hardly anything...and I would think...BASTARD...how the hell'd you get such a sweet spot.

Folks...the EARLY BIRD gets the SWEET JUICY WORM.

Dudes were getting there an hour or earlier before start time.

Now sometimes...okay most times...it takes a ton of bricks to land on my head before I notice things and take action..(Hey great qualities for an Officer)

So I think to my self.."SELF...why cant you have the sweet spot?"

I answer back and say, "You can....just wake up extra EXTRA early!"

EUREKA!!

Unknown to the other officers I had a secret weapon.

Dawns TUTU has an apartment that is unused at the time...it is only 5 minutes away from the LEWERS SITE.

I devised a plan...a brilliant one actually....bring my equipment to the apartment set a clock and BINGO 430am I'm fricking first in line...getting the TOP SPOT...GRADE A...in the shade...heres a key to the Hotel bathroom...would you like a lawn chair while you relax in the comfort of the Chilly shade...type position...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

But let me tell you folks......it’s a LONELY place at the TOP.......man after being first for 5 consecutive days I get the dirty looks(and cheap shot comments) from other Officers...I get SNIDE REMARKS and ignored by SGT's.....all because I manage to WIN the wake up ....first come first serve basis RULES...WTF!!!!!!!

DON’T HATE THE PLAYAH HATE THE GAME.

I am not imagining it either for those of you who think I blow things outta proportion.

Now listen....if you don’t like it...WAKE UP at 4:00 like me!!!! Or heck change the game!!!

We stand there for 11 hours.....we can rotate every hour!! That’s simple right. But NOOOO...people gotta HATE and make comments like "WOT you sleeping in your Car"...or "Your so DUMB to wake up so early".

Oh yeah that’s right..I'm the dumb one...Yeah I'll be the one sitting under the tree over there....yeah ..if you need me just give me a loud HOLLAH...the dunce cap will be covering my eyes while I'm napping.

JEALOUS...extra hour sleepers.

The #1 sweet spot is actually Helumoa Street @ the Sheraton BUS DEPOT EXIT. Its just that....buses exit from there. 6 signs inform the public not to drive into the exit.

It provides the best shade with the less work.

My assignment: Tell (point actually) all over sized vans/buses to turn LEFT out the exit...yup..that’s it. Sweet huh...30 bucks an hour.

Okay before you go and say what a waste of money..... think on this.

If no one was in that spot.. .Buses would turn right and Drop into a 4-5 foot hole on LEWERS Street.

It’s a sweet but necessary position. A very envied position.

Today was very busy...Friday lots of traffic..LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT....RIGHT...no I mean left...sorry I was on the phone..LEFT LEFT.

99 percent of drivers listen to my directions..those who don’t are mostly tourists....you can spot em pretty well..driving slow and unsure..... frequent stopping....stuff like that.

I met the other percent today.

In the form of my old classmate Lia Driver.

Okay it wasn’t really her but she kinda looked like a 40 year old version of her. Bushy hair ,mix local CHIC, with colored eyes.

The devil in disguise.

Anyway I was about 10 hours into my shift....the goal line was in sight. The 4'-5' hole was covered and my SARGE informed me to reverse the flow of traffic.

OKAY easy RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT....whew.

No sooner did I start this when I spot a green nissan car with a female driver coming my way...kinda at a decent moving speed...not a tourist...local...she knew where she was going.

I spot her coming from the area I was previously sending the buses... yah know... LEFT LEFT LEFT.

At the end of that street is another Officer ensuring the cars move the right way too....of course his spot is around a blind curve...I cant see him nor communicate with him.....

But anyway here comes the Nissan at me ...I'm like okay the first customer from the other way...I point to the correct way to go...She gives me a look and turns RIGHT and drives fast into the BUS DEPOT EXIT.

HOLY SHIT!

I was shocked.

Total disregard for safety and directions.

Add that up...BUS DEPOT EXIT 4dr sedan....peak hour traffic..a bitch being blatant and looking for a short cut.....the BUS DEPOT ENTRANCE leads on to KALAKAUA...which she was looking to drive too just to avoid the LEWERS street mess.

Now the BUS DEPOT is not empty.... There are buses that want to go the POLEYNESION CULTURAL CENTER and are in a HEAD ON COLLISION COURSE FOR HER. CRAZY BITCH!!

I cant believe it.... she pulls to her left practically hugs the garage wall....she doesn’t slow down...I see her speed up...buses have to swerve to avoid her.

I began to give chase...okay maybe a light jog chase...but I whistle hard and hopes that the other Officer at the BUS DEPOT ENTRANCE will stop her.

I was pissed... the bitch was trying to run away from me cause she knew I couldn’t do a damn thing...no car no chase.

Luckily it was the traffic...army of BUSES that stopped her..HALLELUJAH....
I corner her and approach her car.

First I ask her..."Did you not see me point in the direction to go?!"

In a loud tita action voice she responds, "Eh..I don’t know.. I just trying to GET OUTTA here"

Now she’s caught and frickin lying ...claiming ignorance ..she’s local in a hotel uniform...she knew she was wrong but has a stink frickin attitude.

I said you are going the WRONG way and almost caused an accident....go the correct way and NEXT TIME PAY ATTENTION!! I shout.

I was pissed. I mean come on she was caught...she didn’t even apologize for it.

I make her turn car around....and head to the EXIT.

It takes her car 5-10 minutes to get to the EXIT.

When she gets to the EXIT she looks directly at me.

I mouthed out (cause her windows is closed)..GO THAT WAY! pointing to the RIGHT!

If that bitch didn’t make like she was brushing her BUSHWHACKER hair and stick the middle finger may God strike me down with lightning.

HOLY SHIT.

UNFRICKINBELIVABLE!!

She continues driving towards Lewers. ARRGGGGGGH!

Now this is where I imagine the ticket book fairy appears and gives me a patrol car and a box of TAG BOOKs...cause I would of SLAMMED HER biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig time!

But KARMA is a bitch loyal readers.

Remember..its 4:47pm peak hour traffic...she gets stuck sitting in traffic for 15-20 minutes on the corner of HELUMOA and LEWERS! HAH...that’s right BITCH!!

Whatever date she was trying to make just got F&*$# over!!

No I did not walk over to her car and chewed her out.

In this job...like I said before you have to choose your battles.

She was the type of bitch that would make up allegations that I touched her boobies and I would get suspended. YUP....its that easy nowadays.

Whew bring on the VACATION please!!!

Happy Friday the 13th everybody!!

and I'm OUT

Big Daddy

The Surprise

2006-09-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hello Loyal Readers,

I just realized I haven't posted for quite some time. I guess I have been busy with work.

I've been putting in extra days and or Special Duty for my trip in October. I will visit my mother in Dixon, CA.

Dixon is like a old school farm town. It is just south of Sacramento. It is a very peaceful town. So peaceful that Dawn and I noticed the "SILENCE" was deafening. No joke. It actually made my ears ring. I have been conditioned by leaving in the ghetto with the constant noise of vehicles sirens shots and screams.... the silence in Dixon is just so strange. Of course a trainline runs thru the town and if you are not used to that noise it can be quite abrupt when asleep in bed at midnight. TOOOOOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Oh NELLY SMELL THE PASTELE!

Anyway I have been busting my ballsax to earn the spending cash and am looking forward to the well earned break.

Speaking of well earned breaks. Since I have been putting all this extra time working my okole off I have been neglecting the kiddies so last week Thursday my wife and I arrange a suprise.

Thursday morning we tell the kids lets go to the beach. They are a little bit excitied getting on their swim gear and accessories. We pile into the Corolla and head west bound on H1. Normally we go to the beach at Ala Moana. My kids are pretty bright so at this time I was sure one of them would say..."Hey where the F#@$ are we going?" But no......they sat in silence looking outside the windows. As we reach Kapolei Kaili recognizes the area and deduces "Are we going to the beach near the hotel NANA stayed?" We give him a "maybe we should", kind of answer.
We pull into the parking lot of THE HAWAIIAN ADVENTURE WATER PARK and I exclaim I have to use the bathroom here. The kids still dont get it the sit patiently in the car.

Dawn and I exit the vehicle and simultaneously open the kids car doors and proclaim "SUPRISE!"

Several moments pass and it finally dawns on Kinohi that we are actually going to the water park. Kinohi likes to hide her happiness so a smile for her looks like a frown. The frown face quivers as it holds back true glee and excitement.

Kinohi has been there once before and had a blast. This was Ka'ilis first time and we were unsure what his reaction would be. He was abit anxious but overcame his fear once we hit the kiddie section. We warmed up with the little slides and he was ready for the HEAVY WEIGHT section.

Kinohi even managed to coax him to try out the SHAKA a VERY STEEP drop water slide. Even I couldnt handle it. Yet amazingly enough I overcame my overprotectiveness and allowed them to do it (Without Dawnys permission).

As they were going up the many stairs Dawn walks up to me and says, "Your letting them do the SHAKA!?!"

Yeah I say.

"I cant look...if they get hurt its all on you." she informs me.

Of course I did consider they could get hurt...Mr WORSTCASE.....the old mangled corpses in a heap battered bloody and broken on the bottom of the ride. But I decided to LET GO. Which was hard to do.

Kinohi and Ka'ili reach the top of the ride and Kinohi later told me Ka'ili wanted to back out. Kinohi being the supportive big sister tells him, "Too late...were here already."

So they mount up on the 2 man inner tube and get pushed off by the lifeguard who is harnessed in on the top of the ride for safety. He shoves them off the 40 drop decline!!!

Ka'ili,(who has the front row seat..thanks to sister again) has a wide eye terrified expression. As the acclerate to the bottom it changes to a confused "What the HELL just happened!" expression. It was priceless. And they survived!

We spent the day swimming sliding and enjoying family time....it was FUN!

It is nice to break out of the NEGATIVE funk...yah know what I mean.

Keep smiling,

Big Daddy

Baby Hasselhoff

2006-09-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

G'day Loyal readers,

Last night I worked at the Hoolaulea at Waikiki as a Special Duty assignment.

Initially I expected a traffic post position. To my surprise I discovered that I had security detail at STAGE one of the Aloha Week Festival Event.

People you have to understand something about me I'm not the type of individual that looks for fights. Ask around....I tend to keep my anger in check in the face of adversity...instead of jumping head first into a rumble I would rather try to convince the person (or people) that it is in their best interest to pick a fight somewhere else.

Special Duty is much like overtime. You have to call into a special number at a certain time to request an assignment (much like a radio show). Imagine hundreds of Officers calling into one number at the same time and you will understand that trying to get a Special Duty job is no easy task.

A Special Duty assignment can be one of two things. Traffic or Security.

A Traffic assignment is normally in the hot sun near a intersection. You’ve seen the officers there...you know the ones who are on the phone and is not warning you about the 12 foot hole on the street you just drove your car into..and than the same officer gets mad because you forgot your "READ YOUR MIND" headgear at home..so he tags you or puts a bullet hole in your ass...yeah....that’s the guys.

Security assignments include monitoring drunk assholes exiting a bar, breaking up riots at a game of UH football, discouraging wild teens from congregating at Zippys, or arresting disorderly people who are going apeshit at a block party.

Personally folks I would rather dodge 80 year grannies driving oversized Cadillacs. I get enough drama at work so on my days off I do not want to get into a brawl if at all possible.

Case in point. Baby Hasselhoff.

My first sight of Baby Hasselhoff or B.H. was on the security camera monitor. You see Unprocessed detainees are placed in Camera Cells and are monitored by Cellblock Officers.
They remain in this cell until they are ready to cooperate.

Drunk individuals can be abit crazy yelling screaming pounding on the door. Most times they run out of gas... pass out...wake up freezing in there piss covered clothing. When they sober up they normally are ready to comply with instructions.

Druggies have a lot more stamina and endurance. They can do all kinds of complex martial arts and gymnastic moves. They can yell and scream continuously. It is nonstop noise. After 10 minutes you are about to go CRAZY with them. Now try babysitting that person for 9 hours!

Do I get your sympathy?

Anyway, the aerial camera shot I got of Baby Hasselhoff was a white male stark naked sleeping face down in toilet water juices. The Night OPS informed me that earlier he was extremely disorderly and had flooded his cell.

This flooding technique of juvenile defiance happens quite often. Cellblock officers will normally put on their loose fitting crack exposing plumber pants and shut off the detainees water.

Our SGT and LT wanted this male processed because he was set up for court and they wanted his "HAIRY" ass out of here. Rushing a processing procedure with a combative male can be a very tense and potientially dangerous situation. I wasn't to happy. But what are you gonna do.

A few minutes later Baby Hasselhoff wakes up and is raising hell in the cell. He is yelling obscenities, doing flying kicks to the cell door, and is using his left foot as a toilet plunger. SKALOSH SKALOSH SKALOSH. Very nasty. He is still naked and his wet clothes are in a pile in the corner of his cell floor. We approach his cell to see if he is ready to cooperate.

FAT CHANCE.

He was a haole guy, about 5'8 - 220 with a semi muscular build. He had a very handsome face, blue eyes, and wavy gelled covered hair. With his broad hair covered chest he did look like a short stocky version of David Hasselhoff.

Now my SGT tries to speak with him. And it is very much like a "WHOS ON FIRST?" Abbott and Costello routine. Meaning the conversation goes around and around in a INSANE MERRY GO ROUND type fashion.

Readers thru my personal experience when you deal/talk with a crazy person it is best not to try to talk to them like they are sane. You end up just getting frustrated and going no where in an endless conversation. My suggestion is this...be CRAZY with them...if they think you are Mickey Mouse...than by GOD ride the insane train and become Mickey fricken Mouse!
Reason and arguing with them about reality will get you nowhere fast. So put on your mouse ears and go with the flow.

Baby Hasselhoff was convinced he was the next president of the United States. He kept informing us that we now work for him. He explained that we must immediately take off our uniforms and go into the Real Estate business. This becomes the never-ending topic. B.H. repeats this over and over. We promised him we will join him on his campaign if he agrees to the processing procedure. He puts on his wet underwear and pants and complies.

As Baby Hasselhoff exits the cell he says, "That’s great fellahs..you all work for me now." He stops in front of me and jabs an index finger in my chest and announces, "You are now the Chief of police". I am still moody about the punch I had 15 minutes ago I tell him sternly, "Do NOT touch me."

He pauses for a moment, shakes his head, than continues to walk towards the printing area. I look to my coworkers and say, "As the new Chief of Police I proclaim that we revert back to the 3/12 schedule." This comment gets a few chuckles from the gang and breaks the tension abit.

Printing and Mugging B.H. goes pretty well. He gives us his full cooperation. But he does explain that he needs to see a Foot Doctor about his in juried foot. I look down at his right foot and I observe that it is in fact swollen some kinda nasty. Self inflicted no doubt from his flying kick & toilet plunging escapades.

B.H. informs use he wants the best Foot Doctor in the world and he will pay him a trillion dollars to come treat his foot injury. We inform him we would get him a doctor in a little while but he needs to wait in his cell. He reluctantly goes back to his filthy water soaked domain.

I return back to the Cell Block office tending to my duties. With in a few moments Baby Hasselhoff is back to his kicks and plunges. He is also using his clothes as buttwipes covering it with human feces.

Can you say potential throwing weapons?

To my disgust B.H. puts his clothes back on.

Several minutes later my co-worker and former high school acquaintance, the Tasty and quite Fabulous Mickey Del Prado shows up. He is fully suited, belt snapped on, cuffs in hand, armed and ready to take B.H. to Queens Hospital.

Mick was an underclassman when I attended high school back in the day. I didnt get to know him quite well...but I knew him as abit of reserved, humble, funny, and overall nice type of guy. He hasn't changed. I have worked with him for several years now and enjoy his company very much. I have an older brother watchful eye type relationship with him because of our HMA school days connection. He is one of the few men I trust with my life when we have to mix it up.

As the door opens it almost instantly does not go well. I think it was just a conflict of personality. Baby Hasselhoff does not like Mick and Mick does not like Baby Hasselhoff. B.H. refuses to be cuffed and refused to be taken to the hospital but instead wants the doctor to come to his cell (for a Trillion dollar payment) to treat him.

"Don't you fucking touch me!!" he screams repeatedly.

Micks patience runs thin and face turns red with irritation he instructs him, "YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE YOUR COMING TO THE HOSPITAL WITH ME!" Baby Hasselhoff wants nothing to do with Mick but instead strips all his clothes off and retreats further into his cell.

Mick shakes his head and I know verbal negotiations were over. We were gonna have to wrestle this bastard and take him to the hospital. ARRRGGGGHHH!

We notify the SGT of our dilemma and he simply states, "Well... we gotta take him to the hospital." Translation: I hope you grunts like break dancing in SHIT SQUIRTY water.

If you are anything like me folks than rolling around in bacteria filled filth is not on a TOP 5 fun things to do list.

I wear a long sleeve BDU type uniform and don’t wanna literally smell like crap all day. I resort to suiting up with the only barrier we have as protection. The infamous PAPERSUIT.

The PAPERSUIT is used as clothing for detainees who are naked, don’t want to wear soiled clothing, or for felonies who got their clothes taken away for evidence purposes.

This tissue thin coveralls is similar to wearing an oversized napkin. I only hoped it would be enough...for it to maintain its shape and stability against the sewer water.

Once suited up we returned to Baby Hasselhoffs cell. He was still irrate but is eventually coaxed into Mick's handcuffs...much like a rabid pitbull would take to a collar and leash.

As we take him to the patrol car he is still talking non-stop...once again about his presidency and that we all work for him. B.H.'s temper escalates and he has to be forced into the backseat of the vehicle.

In my mind I anticipate Mick having one hell of a time trying to escort this fool to and from the car at the hospital. This dude was in his early forties but was very fit. I made an executive decision to go with Mick for his safety.

It’s the big brother in me.

I throw on my gun belt and informed the SGT. that I would roll with Mick to the hospital. He gives me an uneasy/unsure nod. I give em a "tuff shit I'm going anyway look" and we were soon on are way.

Baby Hasselhoff is not enjoying the ride. He resorts to name calling. I get the impression from his choice of language that he is an educated man and may just be on drugs and not crazy. See educated people can't really swear well. They lack originality and creativity. BITCH and ASSHOLE is weak cut downs.

He soon begins to talk about our wife and kids. A hardened criminal will say, "Im gonna rape your wife and kill your fucking kids." B.H. said, "Your wife and kids are gonna be homeless with nothing to eat when I sue your asses." See....weak. We laugh and turn up the radio to 93.1. Kelly Clarkson belts out a ballad that drowns out his screaming.

B.H. tries to scream even louder and reminds me of Donald Duck in one of his out of control fits. I laugh even harder.

B.H. shouts, "Turn off the fucking radio....pull over the car...you think Im a punk..I can bench 500 pounds.... take off these cuffs...lets see how tuff you are SMILEY MAN!". I continue to grin look at him, point to my ears, shake my head, and mouth out with my lips, "I can't hear you."

By the time we pull into Queens he is good and pissed. So much so that Security immediately puts us in a private room. B.H. is screaming, "I want someone to arrest these to cops...they are touching me...its against the law...I know my rights.!!"

The death threats are flying now as he informs Mick, "When these cuffs come off Im gonna kill you than I gonna kill Smiley man.!!"

I request B.H. to kill me first and than Mick. He gets silent for a second and agrees, "Okay I like that idea.....you first Smiley man."

He eventually screams get these cuffs off now!! Chanting this mantra over and over. He was seated on a chair but he immediately stands upright. Mick and I jump down on his back. Despite both of our fat asses on top of him. He does not go down. I see Micks face who is lifted off the ground. I see that, "Houston we may have a problem look". I change my position and use abit more technique than brute force. We soon have him seated like a collapsed accordion.

As the doctor enters the room he tries with no success to gain Baby Hasselhoffs attention. B.H. is just to damned pissed and continues to scream obscenities.

Defeated the doctor informs us, " I cant treat this man ...I'll get the refusal papers." he exits the room and soon after a nurse returns with the paperwork. A normally wait a Queens ER is anywhere from 3-6 hours. We were there for a total of about 12 minutes.

We exit the ER and return to the car drawing a small crowd of EMT's they watch the show in amusement. Mick and I get him to the car and once again refuses to get into the car. He continues on his threats and demands. I inform him "I'm gonna ask this once nicely,...Please sit down in the car." He doesn’t listen. With 3 or 4 shoves he is both seated and buckled inside.

On the ride to court he continues to yell and scream. B.H. says to me, "You aint laughing now Smiley man!" I point one finger in the air and with a devilish grin respond, "A little music to soothe the beast." Mick sees the cue and without missing a beat CRANKS another POP/ROCK tune. With music blaring once again we share a good laugh.

By the time we reach the court house he is beyond furious. He wants so bad to kick our asses. He now claims to be able to bench 700 pounds. I bet if we had circled the block he would change that bench press stat to about 1 ton.

I open the back seat to get him out of the vehicle. Of course he does not want out come out. I reach inside to pull his legs and get a MIST type spit action to my face. See, "Educated Man". An average criminal would have opted for a luggie.

Once again I could arrested him for harassment. But people...in my few years of service I have learned one thing.."choose you battles wisely". Yes I
could make a case but
A.) Did I want to spend the next 8 hours baby sitting this prick.
Or
B.)Turn him over to the Sheriffs and let him be there problem.

Easy choice

Wiping my face we dragged him to the Sheriffs Cellblock at court. As we turned him over to them he continued on his verbal rampage screaming "Come back here...don’t you walk away from me...I'll kick your asses...!"

With a quick wave I thanked him and informed him that he was a real gem.

All in one hour folks.

Sweet Fancy Moses.

I can appreciate the beauty in a FULL MOON. But when it’s a work day. I curse the luminous bitch that orbits our planet.

Heres hoping for a better work week.

Till next time

Big Daddy

Moonlight Madness

2006-09-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Wassup Loyal readers,

As I drove into work early Thursday morning I saw the Full moon illuminate the sky.

My stomach sank.

I know from previous experience the moon makes people frickin' CRAZY!!

You want your scentific proof....spend a day at my workplace at the CELLBLOCK.

I dont know the theories behind my observation...I'm not a scientist...I can only guess it has to do with the gravtional pull the MOON has on bodies of water.

And what is a human being...a body made out of water.

You can sit in your safe ivory towers...and call my claims...purely fiction.

Until you have gotten sworn at, spit on, poked in the chest, and punched all in the same hour.
Shut your piehole....you got NO idea.

That was how my Thursday....my Monday in my 5 day workweek started.

I walked into our lineup room 5:30 in the morning and I could hear the angry screams and out of control pounding of celldoors. The natives were restless. I was already mentally prepared for the worst. My assignment for the day was Cellblock Officer.

There are many different positions here at CRD. One of,... if not the most stressful assignments is the Cellblock Officer.

On paper the duties of the Cellblock Officer appears pretty basic..."Ensuring the safety and comfort housing of all detainees."

To the new recruit it may seem like a cushy assignment.

Foolish mortals.

Whats not on paper is the part were you have to listen to the non stop whining, banging of cell doors, screams of obscenties, the verbal threats and challenges that arrested people excel at doing. If you are of Short Temper and Patientence. This is not the job for you. You are basically babysitting and have to attend to the needs of very unhappy and angry people. I mean who really wants to locked in a stink tiny cell for hours on end.

After line up I got a list of all our detainees. Notes are sometimes attached to the detainees name if they are problem children or M.O.'s.(if you dont know what a M.O. is, I'll inform you in a future blog)

We had about 6 M.O.s and 4 aggressive problem children...mix in the average Murderers and Rapists..I knew I was in for a real treat.

I live my life as a Mr. Worst Case Scenerio...I mean its not a good or healthy way to live and I have no doubt it will put me in a early grave....the constant being on edge feeling..expecting the worse.

All I can say is this....When you expect the worse you won't be shocked when some one jumps you and begins beating the SHIT outta you...you do not freeze up and think, "Why is he doing this to me?"or "What did I do to deserve this"...but rather, as you begin to slowly slip into a coma your final thoughts will be, "Oh..I was wondering when this was going to happen."

That has been my mentallity for the past month or so. I haven't had a scuffle or verbally abusive suspect for quite sometime so its been bugging me...sorta gnawing at my psyche.

When is going to happen?

I got my answer yesterday.

The cellblock officer is incharge of waking up, to verbally identify, and ready each detainee for court.

Do you like getting waken up in the morning...I sure don't.

Imagine the response we get...imagine it and times it by ten. Heck just imagine trying to wake up a drunk who took a shit in his pants and is lying in his own vomit.....imagine the uneasy tension as you go to wake up a prisoner who has covered his entire face with a blanket..your mind begins to play tricks on you...you think, "Is he dead underneath the blanket and will I be staring at a lifeless corpse with souless open eyes and a gaping mouth....or as soon as I pull the blanket off his face, he will spring into action, overpower me, size me up for a sexy evening dress and make me his prision BITCH....or simply imagine trying to wake up an Ice addict...actually dont.. because they tend to be awake for days on end anyway. WAKA WAKA.

But I digress...and love to trail on tangents.

I was more than half way into my Wakey Wakey eggs and BAKEY routine when I came across my first ray of sunshine.

He was alone in his cell and there was no special notations by his name. The late forties asian male was very dirty and weathered...he had a drugie..homelss appearance...with a thick black grayish beard and a wilted afro type hairdo split down the middle. He appeared harmless at 5 foot nothing (4 feet perhaps if he didnt have an afro) and exited his cell slowly with mat and blanket in tow.

He moved with a senior citizen shuffle and kept on dropping his mat & blanket. I was getting abit irratated but mantained my silence..keeping to my work..I checked his name off the list and was checking on the next group of detainees I was about to pull out.

As he slowly made his way past me in the cramped cell hallway he stopped and with blinding speed executed a martial arts backhand fist move which hit me once in the elbow.

Feeling the sting and numbness of the blow..I was amazed that this little dwarf sized derelic had the balls to take a shot at me.
Despite my WORST CASE SCENERIO motto I did have a sudden "deer in headlights" moment.

I think it was just a mixture of shock disbelief and amusement. Its one thing going toe to toe with some one of equal or greater stature...but this...it was almost embrassing.

Once the embarssment subsided it was placed with warm controlled anger. I calmly put my list to the side and used a Wrist Pain Compliance move. Subtle but effective. The man became very apologetic real quick so there was no need for excessive force. He explains to me that an unseen seen force is grabbing his mat and blanket, (thus making him unable to carry these items correctly).

Uhh like I mentioned before he was the only one in his cell and there was no one walking behind him.

M.O..

I informed him of his stupidity and discouraged futher aggressive action or he would spend the weekend with us. He promised on his grandmothers grave to behave, so I released the wrist hold and the dude continues on his merry way down the hall.

I didn't want to make a arrest or a case because of the incident...frankly I did not want the ridicule and snide remarks of co-workers of how I was attacked by a M.O. elderly 3 foot homeless man.

The rest of the day didn't get any better.

The next incident occured with a UNPROCESSED male.

Unprocessed detainees are individuals who have chosen not to be fingerprinted or mugged. These people are either Drunk, Drugged up, Crazy, or just plain assholes. They can be very violent and verbally abusive.

Such was the case with Baby Hasselhoff.

But due to time constraints that is a story for another day.

Till next time...Keep your YANG up!!

Big Daddy

City of Refuge

2006-09-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

Aloha loyal readers,

In ancient hawaiiana times there was a village on the Big Island named, Puuhonua o Honaunau.

On this sacred land violaters of the kapu, defeated warriors, and non-combatants could seek refuge or safety from harm.

There he/she could be absolved by a kahuna in a purification ceremony, then return home with their transgression forgiven.

My Uncle Sam CARAVALHO chose his final resting place here, in the waters surrounding this sacred ground.

My Uncle Sam was born on the Big Island and raised in Kohala. He married than lived on the island of Maui for a time.

He divorced and eventually moved to Napa California where he spent most of his life.

In my youth I remember my Uncle as a kind gentle man who was always ready to offer a friendly hug. He had a radiant smile and infectious laugh.

My best memory with him was camping in the mountians of California during the early eighties. Along with my siblings we enjoyed breath taking forest scenary, icy lake swims, pleasant conversation, delicious food, and quality time. I keep that memory in my minds eye. I always want to remember him that way.

Unfortunately my Uncle Sam had a drinking problem. His body depending on it and would go into withdrawals if it was not fed alcohol. During his final years his body began shutting down.

Slowly by slowly.

Bit by bit.

The drinking continued.

In life we all have our weaknesses or demons we struggle with. It is up to the individual to give in or to overcome them in search of a better quality of life. My Uncle Sam lost his battle with drinking several weeks ago.

I dont look at his life as a failure. Only a lesson. He had a good heart. That is more that can be said for many.

It was at his personal request that a small simple service was to be made and his ashes be spread in the blue sea surrounding the City of Refuge.

It was a beautiful sunny day in Hawaii when his request was granted.

The location was fitting.

I know he is in a better place.

I know he is at peace.

All is forgiven.

Aloha oe Uncle Sam

Chrissy

BEYOND THUNDERDOME

2006-08-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

Wassup loyal readers,
Its been another looooooong week on the 5/9 schedule but it wasnt just all work...I had time to play a little.

My cousin Malia Joy had a Graduation Party up in he mountians of the Kahala area. Its not the Hawaii Loa ridge but its the mountain just EWA of it.

It really is a cool location and place to have a party. Its a Rec Center for the neighborhood with a spectacular view of the coast line and city.

The center has 2 pools, a ping pong table, a rented BOUNCY play pen, and a 70's style playground set.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with what I mean by a 70's style playground set...I mean that the playground structures are hardcore metallic death traps.

IT WAS VERY COOL!

If you are my age you can remember back in the days where recess was much like MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME. A lotta fighting, dog eat dog skirmishes, yelling, crying and to add insanity to the mix, 70's style playground equipment.

I'm talking metal structures created to test the durability of a every human child.

Back in my day there was no..soft pink plastic, curved corners, well hidden screws, height requirements, and cushiony foam foundations to fall on.

It was medevil twisted metal structures that was built high off the ground, with a single mistep you could plummet to your quick asphalt head smashing or neck snapping death.

The unlucky kids would either snare or impale themselves with sharp jagged exposed rusted metal from these structures and would die a slow agonizing infectious death.

This was a grand time...pre lawyers and lawsuits!

But thats the way it was...and we liked it. It made us tougher...there was no ADD kids back in my day...all kids were warriors on a battle ground. I still remember the blood stain carnage of playground equipment mishaps. Ahhh the memories.

Anyway The Rec center I went too had GIANT SWINGS...metallic playsets such as a SPACESHIP, JUNGLE GYM, MONKEY BARS and a SEESAW.

The SEESAW was FUN.

Of course there was a mismatch on weight as my kids myself and even DAWN battled to keep our opponents in the air...I had Dawn screaming in the air several times...but she got me back to. Dawn said she hadnt been on one since Elementary.

Remember back in the day when a friend you were SEESAWING with would jump off and you would fall to the ground with a bone crushing THUD...your balls and buttbone would explode on impact...and your head would jerk backwards and hit the concrete with a wet sickening SMACK!!

OWWCH!!

After leaving the playground(and the childhood memories) we feasted on oversalted popcorn, enamel melting cotton candy, hyper active HIC juice, spicy chili dogs and creamy gut wrenching fudge brownie sundaes.

I finalized the evening with a ORING BLOWOUT!

Folks you just cant pay for fun like that now!!

Till next time

CYAH

Big Daddy

The Ants go marching 1 by 1

2006-08-21T12:14:00.001-07:00

Wassup Loyal readers,

I am all alone at home and I thought I would drop a quick BLOG.

My family is chilling at Tutu's apartment. In the chilly air condition and pest free enviorment.

Here at home it is a different story entirely.

There is a WAR going on.

With the heat and humidity of summer upon us and the wet months far behind us we have been having an ANT invasion.

There are so many ant life forms that we have battled in the past. Most times with the right bait we have come out on top.

The first attack was from the GHOST ANTS.

GHOST ANTS never really bothered us all that much. They never really came after food that was left out. It was just the places they chose to nest in. For instance photo albums, electronics, and books. WEIRD and WILD and in the hundreds.

BLACK ANTS pretty much attacked the food source... you found them primarily in the kitchen areas. You could spot um in the hundreds in formation on are bright white walls. They were pesky but not to fierce.

This latest invasion is a new kind of pest.

I call em MINI FIRE ANTS. These little fukkers are brats. They are both quick, ruthless, and relentless. You leave even just one drop of food anywhere.... within seconds it’s a SWARM fest. They are light brown in color so they are a little harder to spot.

MINI FIRE ANTS also run on solo missions too....just to scout around.. random places such as on the couch, chairs, beds, sink tops, and towels.

My first horror experience with them was when I went to wipe down after I showered one evening. I began feeling this burning on my neck and back area. As I looked in the mirror I discovered welts forming. WHAT THE FUK! Upon closer inspection I discovered those little bastard on top my towel. HOLY SHIT! Now why the fuk would insects be hanging out on my towel!?! Fighting over Okole juice covered toilet paper grounds?!?

Beats the frik outta me!!

All I know is this Im glad I didn’t wipe down my ballsack area first.

I normally use a blowdryer down there and tease the pubes with a fine tooth comb.

What you don't?

Anyway after a few weeks my family and myself kept getting are asses bit....the straw broke.....yah know the one that broke the camels back.

I was watching reruns of RESCUE ME and I went to sit down to have Peanut butter cookies. I placed the 4 cookies on a paper plate and proceeded to watch the show. Feeling the call of nature, I placed the plate down and went to use the bathroom....this took 1 minute tops. Sitting back down I began to polish off the last 2 cookies. I got thru 1 and a half when I felt a numbing/ burning in my lip area. Looking down at my plate I discovered about 50 of those MINI FIRE ANTS having an orgy on my frikin cookies! ARRRGGGHHHH!! I drowned the rest of the cookie in the sink, rinsed my mouth out, and ran to look in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize the reflection.

I looked like a 40 year-old Hollywood actress with excessive BOTOX inserted in my lips. HOT DAMN! It was horrible!! I immediately began icing down the area. It wasn’t working. The next morning I still had swelling, I HAD TO GO TO WORK, so I did my best to hide my injury by pursing my lips, avoiding eye contact, and limited talking. Which is hard to do at my job. I pulled it off but HELL if I'm going thru that again.

Which brings me to why I am alone today.

We are bringing in the professionals. The pest controllah rock and rollahs. They will be here any minute.

Of course we did look them up in the phone book..soooooo.I can only hope they are trust worthy!

So listen please help with the investigation if they find my corpse in an uncompromising position, tied up with tape, my pants to my ankles and my O-RING anally violated. Please tell the detectives that I circled their company name in my Yellow pages phone book.

Oh shit there’s a knock at my door. Its them.

Wish me luck!!

Big Daddy

The Good and the Bad

2006-08-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Vietnam!!

Hello loyal readers.....I have some spare time so I will make my first official entry.

It was a very interesting week for me. I started on my 5/9 schedule here at HPD.
Truth be told, I was not happy with the CHANGE....some say change is good... but in this circumstances...it's not.

My profession (POLICE OFFICER) is considered a HIGH/LOW type job. HIGH stress LOW pay.

One of the benefits for working this job WAS the 3/12 schedule.
The three days 12 hour shift schedule allowed life outside of the department. For family, friends, errands, side jobs to buffer the low pay or to decompress from the stress of the week.

Now with the recently changed 5/9 schedule, your life is this department. Does this schedule benefit the public. Not one bit. Does this schedule benefit the officer? HELL NO! What kind of officer do you create when you EAT BREATHE SHIT police work. Stressed, tired and moody ones that’s who.

Granted I signed up for this gig....nobody twisted my arm but with the high stress level that this job creates, wouldn't you want a more HAPPIER cop protecting the streets?

I enjoyed my life outside the job...as did my co-workers. Now its 5 days of this.. 6 days if you catch an OT...7 days if you have to appear at court. HOLY CRAP!!

The 3/12 schedule was taken away not because of abuse of sick leave or tired Officers...it was taken away as retaliation for suing the Department for lost wages of OVERTIME. Of course I'm sure the survey about the CHIEF(That held him in a bad light) a few months back didn't help matters. It came down to his decision. He offered no explanation at the time. He basically said, "If you don’t like it...find a new job." Actually, several of my coworkers have left 2 others are planning to leave soon. Be careful what you wish for.

Morale is very low in the department....anyone who tells you any different is living in a fantasy land. Or a nice house on the eastside.

I currently work in the CELLBLOCK..(For about 3 years now)...its dirty work but as long as you do your share you are pretty much left alone. The same could not be said about the time I was in patrol. That is a story for another day.

I enjoy CRD much more than I did patrol work. Despite all my complainants I do not dread going to work yet.

I was in abit of a FUNK with this whole change of schedule. Not wanting to go out to..lotta naps..more than usual. But this 5/9 is here to stay aint nothing I can do about it. That’s what happens when your UNION is run by Police Officers. They have to answer to the people they have to make the contracts with. So a union official's career aint moving past a SGT or LT. if they don’t play nice with their bosses.

BITCH BITCH BITCH wheres the good in life. Well it sure aint my VAN which exploded on the way home last night. We barely made it home. As I turned onto my street...the meter read H.
It was overheating. HOLY CRAP!!. I just put near a grand in it a few weeks ago. When I opened the hood, I discovered coolant everywhere.....apparently a pipe broke. Here we go dropping more money. Again I ask where is the good in life.

I tell you where the good is people. I celebrated my LUCKY 13th anniversary with my beautiful wife Dawn. We are official senior citizens. No we don’t have gray pubes yet...wait...hold on let me check.....(shuffle..shuffle..pull....tugg..tug...tugg) Yup not yet.

Anyhoot we had a nice senior citizen dinner at ASSAGGIO’S. We had reservations at 4:30pm. Hehehehe. The early bird special baby!! We had a pleasant dinner and than proceeded to the local church for arousing game of BINGO. Of course I fell asleep at 6:30pm so I didn't win but the prune juice and fiber muffins were to die for!

Thats all for now.

BIG DADDY

OFF TO A COLD START

2006-08-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome family, friends, foes, co-workers, loose acquaintances, strangers, partners, M.O.'s, stalkers, heroes, villains, pets, farm animals, and inanimate objects.

Welcome to "THE MISADVENTURES OF BIG DADDY"blog (Insert audio clip of Mediaeval trumpets or Fozzie Bear saying Wakka Wakka Wakka)

Like in all aspects in life, there is a beginning.

This is mine.

A blog of my own creation. Its my chance to enlighten, inspire, amuse, and petrify anyone who dares read my thoughts.

I got a warehouse full of disturbing luggage to sort through so get comfortable.

Before I share a story or a personal thought lets get through a few "DISCLAIMERS"

1.) If you are offended by any or all material, please, don't pursue this in Civil Court. Yes I have
a gun, shovel, trashbags, and duct tape, but I really am quite harmless.

2.) Some names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. But to give you
a little heads up all references to a Dr. O-RING or Harry BEANBAGS is actually fictional
characters based on me.

3.) No animals were injured or harmed when writing this blog. They were just rubbed both
excessively and inappropriately in their private areas.

4.) Remember opinions are like ASSHOLES...if its anything like mine its volatile and needs
to be shaved weekly. Okay who am I kidding....... daily.

5.) Parental Discretion is advised. But if you want some F@#$ED up kids by all means read
them one of my blogs as a soothing bedtime story.

Hmmm....I think that covers about everything.

Thanks for visiting. Enjoy your stay.

Big Daddy